Jesse Jane: All-American Girl

Jesse Jane: All-American Girl is a movie that benefits from a mute button. There’s no dialogue, no vocal track at all, nothing but music, which is occasionally inoffensive (just violin or piano music, repetitive but not annoying), but occasionally shades into the maddeningly bad (there’s some kind of overproduced pop crap boy-band stuff in one of the scenes that had me leaping for the volume control on the TV remote). But actually, when you turn down the sound, this is a fun, light movie with a gorgeous headliner who doesn’t seem to take herself too seriously.

The film is packed with hot performers, from Jesse Jane herself (the once up-and-coming bikini model who infamously got into porn because of her insatiable appetite for sex, or so her Internet biographers would have us believe), to cute brunette Celeste Star, to sexy brunette Nadia, to well-endowed brunette Valerie Vasquez . . . hmm, lots of brunettes, there, as if to make Jesse’s all-American blondeness stand out even more. (Oh, wait, except Carli Banks is a blonde, and a very hot one, and the scene where Jesse and Celeste basically manhandle her into fucking them on the library steps is quite nice.) Jesse bouncing around in a cheerleader outfit? A beautiful thing. Jesse really enthusiastically sucking Jerry’s cock in the first scene? A treat. The abundance of knee socks and short skirts on pretty much all the performers? Well, what could be more American than that?

I guess apple pie would be more American than that, and, yeah, there’s some apple pie involved too . . . Jesse and Scott Nails take part in the so-cliched-it-hurts-my-eyes pastime of spraying whipped cream on one another’s soft bits and licking it off, but they did introduce a bit of innovation when Scott jizzed on the pie. Not my dessert topping of choice, but points for originality, I suppose, even if they did rather spoil my taste for pie . . . In one scene Jesse plays paddleball until the rubber band breaks, then she pouts prettily, and then Jerry beats her ass with the paddle, and her skin actually reddens — a shame about the musical track, because the sound of the smacks and her gasps would have made it even better. Jesse fucks Karlie Montana with a candy cane . . . but only after putting a condom on the candy. (Which is both considerate and somehow really funny.) Celeste Star has a solo scene where she pours herself some cereal and does her best to make that very everyday experience look erotic, which is funny, too (and, of course, she pours milk on her nipples and so forth). All in all it’s a whimsical, light movie with a gorgeous cast, so I’ll forgive the sometimes-awful music.