Toys for Valentine’s Day!
As the countdown for Valentines Day rings loudly in our ears, it falls upon me, your friendly toys buyer, to remind y’all to get off your procrastinating bums and go buy a gift for your lover, already! Yes we allll know that this holiday was carefully constructed by greeting card companies to suck you into a cacophony of piss-poor spending decisions, but too bad. Get something anyway. If fact, get one of these goodies listed below. Why? Because your toy testers have toiled long hours to bring you only the finest for your love day, that’s why. I’ve entitled this holiday list:
“Things You Should Consider Gifting Instead of Another Cubic Zirconium Heart Pendant and/or Shaving Kit with Nose Hair Trimmers” (Ahem)
1) Jack-of-Hearts Glass Dildo: Light purple glass with tiny etched hearts that dance around the shaft in a tango of lust. It was designed for Valentines Day, for gosh sakes! And it’s glass, and glass means danger, and danger means excitement, and excitement means really, really good sex. (Only this toy isn’t dangerous, it just seems that way, so it’s even better.)
2) Decadent Indulgence 3: The baddest In/Out vibe on the block, complete with a high-powered clit stimulator you have to see to believe. No really, it’s adorable.
3) Heart Slapper Leather Paddle: A little gentle stroking, a lot of playful smacking, and a few juicy red hearts to get that sweet spot singing!
4) Njoy Pure Wand Metal Dildo: A stainless steel crescent nested in a pink, silk-lined storage box. Great for lovers, especially those that can’t wrap a present to save their lives.
5) Soft Lover’s Blindfold: Exploring fantasies is hard enough without your lover staring at you wondering what is going to happen next. Cover their eyes in soft plushness, land a few kisses on some hidden crevices, and no one will be the wiser if you fumble with the bondage rope or have to wipe sweat off your brow.
6) Massage Oil Candle: Flick off the lights and strike a match. This candle burns with a delightful scent and, when the moment is right, extinguish the flame and pour the melted oils over your skin. Massage thoroughly. Repeat.
7) New-Comer’s Strap-On Kit: You’ve been thinking about adding strap-on play to your sex life, but how on earth are you going to bring it up when the kids are running around and the dog needs a walk and your garbage disposal is broken . . .? Skip the excuses and get a kit already. This one is simple: a harness, a dildo, you two, done.
8) Butt-Bling Gold Plated Butt-Plug: C’mon, people. Real gold adorning your most private of private places. We think everyone should love their asses enough to earn a plug like this.
9) Fantasy Restraint Kit: A restraint kit, for fantasies. Tie them to the bed and seduce them unmercifully. Or slip a blindfold over their eyes, bind them to a kitchen chair, and clean all of the dishes while you slather them in praise about how sexy they look just waiting for you to come and do them. Then do. Soap suds and a clean kitchen are some of the most underrated aphrodisiacs.
10) Amazing Hot Heart: Heat up your honey with this self-heating pillow of hearty goodness. Spread a little massage oil and rub against their skin during a massage or use it to help ease untimely neck pain (possibly making it more likely you’ll be able to get down later?). Amazing!
Play well, Have fun! Happy Valentines Day!
- Jack-of-Hearts Glass Dildo
- Decadent Indulgence 3
- Heart Slapper Leather Paddle
- Njoy Pure Wand Metal Dildo
- Soft Lover’s Blindfold
- Massage Oil Candle
- New-Comer’s Strap-On Kit
- Butt-Bling Gold Plated Butt-Plug
- Fantasy Restraint Kit
- Amazing Hot Heart
This entry was posted on Wednesday, 7 February 2007 at 9:37 pm and is filed under Toys. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
