The Blowfish Blog

[The Pro Circuit] The Love Song of Ernest E. Borgnine

Remember Ernest Borgnine? Though he’s been in lots of, you know, good movies, Borgnine first thrilled me in the early-’80s TV show “Airwolf,” a show that made me know exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a Vietnam vet helicopter pilot with a stolen top-secret gunship. I also wanted to hang out with Mr. Borgnine, who played the scrappy, earthy, sarcastic mechanic to Jan Michael Vincent’s angry depressed ex-military brooder who, each week, didn’t like to blow things up, but just had to because people pissed him off. Borgnine’s spunky mechanic, “Dom,” had the job of voicing things the other characters didn’t want to hear but ultimately would prove to be right.

Apparently the “spunky” Borgnine was, and is, thrilling himself as well, and still saying some spunky things other people don’t want to hear. A week or two back, the 91-year-old actor — appeared on “Fox & Friends,” where he was told by the effusive host that he looked like he was in his 60s. “How do you do it?” he was asked by host Steve Doocy. “I can’t dare tell you,” says Borgnine. Then he leans close to Doocy and, as they say, spills it.

It’s really worth watching for yourself, but I’ll cut to the chase: “I masturbate a lot” is what Borgnine said, causing Doocy and his two couchmates to collapse into fits of embarrassed hilarity. “So, have you ever been on YouTube?” guffaws Doocy in response — almost eerily prescient, these Fox guys.

Sex therapist Marty Klein was quick to chortle his approval of Borgnine’s “secret” and his expectation that the media would freak out, saying in his blog: “Is the phrase ‘I masturbate a lot’ as dangerous as a half-second of Janet Jackson’s breast? As bad as soldiers saying ‘fuck’ as they approach death in Saving Private Ryan?’ I hope Fox gets two or three complaints from high-profile erotophobes like Morality in Media. Then everyone will see the clip and discuss it for weeks, as happened with Jackson’s nipple.”

Dr. Klein, however, was not nearly as quick as the porn industry, which, with its trademark level of class, put out a press release. “Online adult video rental service XRentDVD has offered mainstream actor Ernest Borgnine a free subscription to its XRentDVD Preferred program,” said a story in Xbiz. The story quoted XRent DVD VP Vincent Sorvino: “Mr. Borgnine is 91 and he looks like he’s in his 60s. he has obviously found the fountain of youth, so we are offering a Hollywood legend some free product so he can continue along the road to the fountain of youth. We will create an account for him. He can create his queue and put as many titles as he wants in it.”

Whatever, dude . . . I’m guessing a guy who made it to 91 through self-love has figured out how to get porn on the interwebs. But regardless of whether Borgnine’s disclosure nets him free porno by mail, the media firestorm is not yet over because it . . . never began. Dr. Klein’s wish that Morality in Media should get all hopped-up over the motions of Borgnine’s right hand remains unfulfilled, and in fact the silence is deafening.

Borgnine’s statement reinforces the idea that it’s great to jerk off at 91 (or 60, or 70, or 80). As Dr. Klein observes, It sends the message to adolescents that they don’t have to cram their sex lives into the next five years, and also tells adults that what they do is OK. I’m not sure I was waiting for Ernest Borgnine’s approval to masturbate, but maybe somebody was.

But not WENN, which provides news for IMDB.com. According to them: “Movie veteran Ernest Borgnine refuses to retire from movies, claiming acting has helped him live to the age of 91 . . ..The Oscar winner is still as busy as ever and has three new films out in 2008.” Nothing wrong with keeping busy, as well as “busy,” I always say, but WENN also quotes Borgnine as saying “These guys who say, ‘I can’t wait to retire. Hot dog!’ And after about a week they’re ready to pull their hair out. Keep busy and you’ll stay younger and healthier, and you’ll be around a hell of a lot longer.”

Notice something missing? Apparently Borgnine’s self love has been disappeared, and replaced with a love of acting. The two may not be mutually exclusive, but a family-friendly source like IMDB doesn’t want to mix up the children. The incident made the blog rounds. It’s particularly telling to read Huffington Post’s search engine tags, obviously staplegunned there in anticipation of a huge media firestorm. “Borgnine Masturbate, Ernest Borgnine, Ernest Borgnine Masturbate, Ernest Borgnine Masturbates a Lot, Ernest Borgnine Masturbating, Ernest Borgnine Masturbation . . .” — WTF, dude, we got it!!

But there was no firestorm, and now Borgnine’s secret has been bizarrely cleaned up. The YouTube clip is still around, obviously, but it apparently doesn’t have the staying power of the really important news.

Does Borgnine’s secret really provide the fountain of youth? I don’t know any more than Ponce De Leon did, but it sure as hell can’t hurt.

Thomas Roche blogs about espionage, international relations and fart jokes at thomasroche.com.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, 26 August 2008 at 12:00 am and is filed under Industry. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.