The Blowfish Blog

[The Pro Circuit] Good News, Bad News: My Twenty Weirdest Moments in 2008

Wow, what a strange porn year it has been for me. Is it true what they say, that porn years are like dog years — seven porn years for each normal year? It certainly feels like that, and a lot has changed since last I took stock of the porn industry in December, 2007. Back then, I was a writer and commentator in the adult industry, and I reviewed at least 300 DVDs from a wide variety of production houses. I knew porno like the back of my hand; I breathed the rank stink of stale sex 24/7; I ridiculed dumb stage names at breakfast, marveled at stupid dialogue for lunch and got squicked by fake tits both before and after dinner.

It was an easy life: get turned on, get turned off, get outraged, write something snarky. It was kind of like falling off a log.

For most of 2008, on the other hand, I was a publicist and “porn insider” — and while I saw just as many titles, they were almost all from the same producer: my day job. Ridiculing it would be improper at best but then I’m left with the age-old porn reviewer’s question . . . How the fuck is one supposed to review porn if one cannot make fun of it?

Asked what the state of the industry was at the end of 2007, I held forth with an avalanche of observations based on an endless parade of facial cumshots, ass-to-mouth acrobatics, piss play, tranny porn, and wretchedly terrible role play darkening the DVDs of a double-dozen distributors.

Asked that same question here at the end of 2008, I could instead come up with a complex insider’s view of the business forces that are profoundly changing the industry at this important time. Nobody wants that.

Therefore, I’ve instead opted to wrap up 2008 by summarizing the twenty strangest and most unfortunate moments in my personal porn life. To wit:

1. Good News: Moving out of my old office at Eros Zine, I processed thousands of porn DVDs, tearing them out of their plastic cases and filing them in black file boxes by theme. Have you ever tried to recycle a couple thousand DVD boxes? It’s not easy. Have you ever tried to decide whether this stack of facial cumshot compilations should be consolidated with the stack of tit-cumshot titles and maybe even with the stack of ass-cumshot compilations over there on the water cooler? Sometimes you pause in the midst of your daily routine and ask: What the fuck am I doing here? There were many of those moments in January and February — many of them indeed.
2. Bad News: At Internext, the international meeting for people who sell porn on the web, I listened in horror as CEO Jay Grdina of Club Jenna ridiculed people who jerk off to porn. I doubt he even knew he was doing it, since the contempt of the porn industry for people who, you know, masturbate is endless. I quote Mr. Grdina here: “Duhhhhhhh,” a sound he attributed to people who watch porn to jerk off, rather than to marvel at the stunning sets, gorgeous costumes and brilliant acting. Duhhhhh, Mr. Grdina. Duhhhhhh indeed. And no, I’m not over it yet.
3. Bad News: The science fiction movie Cloverfield made me dizzy. How is it these people made a POV horror movie and didn’t make at least passing reference to shooting homemade porno? Christ, what were they thinking? Did it seem as obvious an omission to other people as it did to me? This is far from the largest of the many problems with this flick (the violent nausea being a larger problem), but in many ways it’s the most outrageous.
4. Good News: I got a new cell phone plan. You would be amazed at what this can do for one’s sex life.
5. Good News: The San Francisco Fetish Ball actually happened this year, which was pretty cool. Is it happening next year? I have no idea. Who would expect San Francisco to be one of the towns in North America that can’t support a yearly fetish ball? Let’s hope it ain’t so.
6. Bad News: BellaVendetta.com closed down — purportedly because all the blood, needles, and necrophilia squicked the bankers. Bankers are weird that way. The good news? It’s back!
7. Bad News: Max Hardcore was found guilty of obscenity. The interesting thing here is how passionately many people in the porn industry exclaim: “Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy! I hope they give him thirty years in Sodomy Prison!!!” immediately before they express their outrage that the government is prosecuting anyone, ever, for porn. So I guess this was good news to some of them. Apparently Max Hardcore also inspires passionate feelings in people who do not work for the Justice Department. Amid other federal obscenity cases, John Stagliano also got indicted, portending terrifying things — or not; nobody really knows. Then there was this presidential election and . . . oh, you already know that part, don’t you?
8. Bad News: Somebody tried to extort a measure of fame out of the porn industry, using Verne Troyer as her only bargaining chip. It was weird. It did not work. She did not become famous. I’ve already forgotten her name, and if you’ haven’t, you oughta.
9. Good News: It turns out that Greta Christina writes porn in public, too. She seems to be on some level titillated by the surreptitious exhibitionism of it; with me, it’s the only way I can keep my brain from providing my body a reacharound, in which case I will immediately stop having any interest in writing porn. Different strokes for different folks; huh huh, I said “stroke.”
10. Really, really good news, actually fantastic news: Sunny Lane lost her anal virginity. Then I got some terrible, almost apocalyptic news: I didn’t care. I have a longtime obsession with the stunningly beautiful and charmingly flirtatious Ms. Lane — she’s one of the few porn performers who managed to give me an erection when I met her in person, which seems like it should be more common than it actually is. This occurred for no good reason other than that she flirted with me. I also have a passionate and sometimes downright weird obsession with girls getting it in the poop chute. So add a dose of anal to a big fat steaming mug of Sunny Lane, and you’d think you’d have a rapturous 20 minutes of profound love for the universe, right? Wrong. I think I’m getting old.
11. Speaking of getting old, I got some more Good News: Ernest Borgnine jerks off.
12. Good News: So did Kafka, and not, as might be expected, to tentacle porn.
13. Good News: I chatted with some barely-legal robots, that is to say, artificial intelligences created with the sole purposes of providing companionship to lonely weird old men who are creeped out by talking to actual people online, but not creeped out by talking to barely-legal robots. How does a robot become legal, anyway? Can she really be undressed in front of Hustler’s cameras on the morning of her 18th birthday? Does she even have a birthday? I have no idea, but “What? LOL” seems to be a popular phrase among the youngsters nowadays, as is “I dream about fucking monsters . . .buckets of monster piss and sperm . . .huge tentacles in my body . . .split by slimy, dripping beaks . . .green monster shit . . .share my fantasy . . .grow with me.” Huh? What? Huh? I wish I could offer some sort of insight, but I just can’t. The world of artificial intelligence is a world of challenging moral conundrums and, apparently, green monster shit.
14. Good News: Jimi Hendrix apparently fucked on camera. Huh? Yes, it’s real. I understand he could also play a mean guitar.
15. Bad News: A non-MILF ran for Vice President, and everyone seemed all worked up about it, especially the liberals. Christ!! You could almost see Arianna Huffington stroking herself as she talked about how sexy Sarah Palin was. I half expected the Nation to run an all-Palin issue, with one section dedicated to each breathtaking part of her fantastically attractive body, with special attention paid to her booty just, you know, to keep it intellectual. Palin’s presence in the race inspired erotica websites and, of course, multiple porn movies attempting to cash in on the fad before said non-MILF vanished into the dustbin of history. Speaking of which, since Palin is already threatening (Promising? Threatening.) to run for President in 2012, which is appropriately enough the year the world ends in the Mayan calendar. If that happens, I’m moving to Sweden for the sole purpose of avoiding the resulting porn movies. I mean, seeing hagged-out skanks in porn movies is pretty much de rigeur, so I shouldn’t get all that worked up about it. But seriously, people, Sarah Palin. Seriously.
16. Bad News: BDSM writer and gay activist Larry Townsend passed away — it is a smaller world without him.
17. Good News: They found the G-spot. Apparently it was easier to do it with an ultrasound machine than with a rubber glove, some KY Jelly and a willing female volunteer, which is how I’ve been doing it all these years: that “Oooooh!” sound she makes, when her eyes go all crossy and her tongue starts to hang out? That’s the G-spot, people. Not really all that complicated, but thanks for the verification.
18. Good News: Maria Beatty is still making porn.
19. Good News: Shine Louise Houston is making porn, too — in fact, lots of it.
20. Good News: 2008 is over; every year comes with new promises for sleaze. Bring it on!

Thomas Roche blogs about cults, crime, and appendectomies at thomasroche.com.