The Blowfish Blog

The Pro Circuit: Free Porn, A Nightmare

In 2005, I started a new job where I wrote about porn. With a voracious appetite to learn about the field and, of course, be rapaciously titillated in the process, I sent out literally dozens of letters to porn studios, outlining my credentials and asking for review copies of DVDs. I’d already spent some years as a commentator and occasional pundit, drawling with great authority to mainstream journalists that “adult entertainment is a growing business,” and that “there sure is a lot of this stuff,” as if that was some kind of brilliant observation. Frequently questioned about the scope of the adult entertainment business, I’d tell writers something like “More than 12,000 adult DVDs were published last year,” secretly thinking to myself “And some day I’ll become a porn reviewer, and I’ll have it ALL!”

Now was the time. This was my moment. 12,000? Hell, send me every last porno disk, motherfuckers, and I’d finally have a stew going. Some guys dream of being porn stars; I wanted more than anything in the world to be the Lester Bangs of the pop shot.

Pretty soon, packages started arriving: boxes crammed with lurid DVD boxes promising “Horny sluts glazed with steaming BALL SNOT!” and “The HOTTEST face-fucking ACTION!” Sure, it wasn’t good porn, most of it, but it was porn, and it was free — it was free porn Oh, I was in friggin’ heaven. “Free porn,” I would murmur over and over again. “Free fuckin’ porn.” Within a few weeks I would sit in my office surrounded by great mountains of DVDs, weeping with joy. I sorted it by category: feature, gonzo, anal, audition, MILF, girl-girl, squirting, cumshots, gay, blondes, brunettes, redheads, big boobs, small boobs, medium-sized boobs, barely legal, double penetration. I took more pleasure in arranging piles of DVDs than I’d ever taking (or ever would take) in jacking off to them. Reviewing them was fun, too, but it was far less important than acquiring them. They were free.

The packages kept coming. Day after day after day after day, I slashed open boxes and stacked DVDs with shuddering pleasure. I guzzled French roast watched porn on fast-forward, cackling maniacally and typing as fast as I could, churning out reviews and pushing myself to consume more, more, more porn!! — after all, it was free. And damn, this was an easy job! All I had to do was watch this porn and say it sucked, it ruled, it was kinda OK, there wasn’t enough cunnilingus, there was too much deep-throating, gangbangs were freaky, pop shots were odd, I hated fake tits, I loved redheads . . . whatever bullshit struck my fancy. And in return for my efforts, I collected a paycheck — kinda cool. But more importantly, I was sent MORE FREE PORN.

It’s probably a testament to my Bangsian gusto that it took some months of frenetic viewing for the porno rose to lose its blush. I think it happened right about the time I discovered that my office was so packed with the stuff that I needed to actually sit on boxes of free porn in order to review my free porn. My office chair, you see, had become a place to store free porn. To say the least, there was a lot of it.

“Holy shit,” I’d say as more and more packages arrived at my office and I searched desperately for a place to stash them. “There sure is a lot of this stuff.”

And there was. In fact, “A lot” barely even begins to describe it. Twelve thousand DVDs is an easy number to chortle at gleefully (and it may or may not be accurate). But panic soon set in. According to my own oft-quoted statistic, there were like another 11,400 DVDs on their way, which kinda scared me — I mean, the fast-forward button only goes so fast, right?

I was still in denial about the steadily growing disaster that was my office. The nightmare shifted into overdrive when a ceiling-high stack of creampie titles crashed down around me and I pulled a pratfall into the six-deep gangbangs stacks. I desperately tried to claw my way free from the great cascading cave-in, and got crushed under an even larger assortment of felching discs, which I had separated out from the anal creampie category when I began to view it as an industry trend. Cursing, I scrambled for the door and got buried under an Everest of pseudo-lesbo smut; then the cumswappers started raining down about me.

“Damn,” I said. “There sure is a lot of this stuff.”

Finally, I came to my senses. I cleaned my office and gave away a bunch of review copies to my coworkers, none of whom had anything to do with the porn-reviewing side of the business. They were stoked. “Holy shit!” they said. “Free porn! You sure you don’t want it?”

I responded with a shudder and a twitch, and scampered back to my office to hide from the UPS dude.

Share This

This entry was posted on Tuesday, 1 April 2008 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Industry. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.