Sunday, 31 May 2009
| 12:00 pm
| Videos
Delectable Desires is female- and couples-friendly porn from Playgirl, with the expected emphasis on romance, adventure, and buff men servicing gorgeous women. It even includes a couple of performers I’m much more used to seeing in alt-porn or even BDSM contexts, notably blonde hipster goddess Charlotte Stokeley and dark-haired dark-eyed Sandra Romain (who I’m used to seeing in high-heeled black boots and leather corsets, occasionally with a flogger in hand). They bring an edgy energy to their scenes, while still exploring their softer, more romantic sides.
Some of the fantasies here are a bit more complex and outlandish than the usual attentive-new-lover casual-sex fare. Charlotte Stokeley meets a handsome doctor who gives her a more-thorough-than-usual examination, and it’s presented in a fun style, mimicking the feel of an old instructional video from health class. The “bossy drill sergeant” routine from Tina Tyler and raw recruit Damien is fun, though baggy camo fatigues aren’t the sexiest attire — once she strips down a bit, it’s a much hotter scene. Marco Banderas has a good turn as a Spanish teacher with a very dedicated student in blonde Brooke Banner, who is exceedingly interested in foreign tongues.
Sandra Romain has a pair of great scenes, first in “Back Light” with Mario Rossi, where she plays a performance artist doing a show that involves glow-in-the-dark sex toys and glowing paint — she and Rossi get thoroughly splattered with paint and, eventually, other things, and it’s a visually-stunning scene. She returns in “Heavy Weight,” a gym scene with Manuel Ferrara, that starts with heavy petting against a heavy bag and moves on to athletic fucking all over a whole suite of exercise equipment. It’s a hot and hard workout.
There’s another boxing scene in “The Contender,” with the impressively built Mr. Marcus celebrating victory with the incredibly yummy Marie Luv; their bodies work beautifully together, and in terms of sheer chemistry, it’s probably the hottest scene here.
Every scene — and there are seven, not counting a couple of bonus scenes and additional beefcake featurettes — is solid, and there’s a lot of good replay value. Delectable Desires should add a delicious spice to a couple’s quiet evening, or a ladies’ night.
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Sunday, 31 May 2009
| 12:00 am
| Videos
Michael Ninn was the god of stylishly nasty porn, as epitomized in his Neo Pornographia series. Ninn’s directorial prot.g. Chris Cross (not to be confused with ’90s hip-hop duo Kris Kross!) took up the glossy hardcore torch to create Nympho, Volume 1, a gorgeous, edgy, over-the-top extravaganza of posing and pounding.
Aloof, sunglasses-wearing Otto Bauer is the director’s proxy on screen, putting the performers through their paces. He has sweet brunette Alicia Angel display her ass, bending over and fingering her cunt and asshole for the camera, before putting her on her knees to service Sascha’s cock. Otto gives orders while Alicia gets her ass fucked in a beautiful reverse cowgirl, her gorgeous shaved cunt open and on display, then she switches from ass-pounding to deep-throating and back again. (The bit where he makes her crawl around and bark like a dog and howl during anal doggystyle is a trifle silly, but one can appreciate the dominant sentiment.)
Nikki Nievez and Roxy Jezel do some music-video-style poledancing for Otto, who instructs them to put cold glass and metal toys in their hot wet holes before pitting them against one another to see which one is the biggest cock-loving whore. Despite their claims that they like having all their orifices filled simultaneously, they only get one man to work on, alas. But first they work on each other with toys and fingers and tongues and lots of filthy talk. Alex Sanders appears to fuck their mouths and their asses in assorted sequences — he even fucks one asshole while licking the other (in a couple of different positions, no less), and there’s lots of ATM and messy cumswapping at the end.
The final scene has Kelly Wells in slutty lingerie and tottering high heels, and Otto Bauer finally stops just shouting orders and starts taking liberties, with some small assistance from Alec Knight at crucial moments. There’s double anal, with a toy shoved in her ass along with a cock (and she sucks both at once, too.) This is a simple, beautifully-made production, with gorgeous women doing incredibly filthy things. It’s nymphomagical.
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Saturday, 30 May 2009
| 12:00 pm
| Videos
Spyder Jonez is the nom de porn of Evan Seinfeld, a rock star from Biohazard and husband of legendary pornstar Tera Patrick. The fact that Spyder is actually Evan has never exactly been a secret — he’s a distinctive-looking bald guy covered in tattoos, and is unlikely to be mistaken for anyone else — but in Smokin’ Hot Blondes #1 he’s actually credited this way: “Evan Seinfeld as Spyder Jonez.” Which seems a bit redundant, but a guy who rocks and fucks as hard as he does can call himself whatever he wants. Though one idly wonders how his brunette wife Tera feels about him directing a series about fucking hot blondes . . . he does amusingly call Teagan Presley the hottest woman in the business today — “next to my wife.” Smart man!
This flick is gonzo rockstar fucking extraordinaire, with footage from Jonez’s website RockStarPimp.com. Biohazard even provides a lot of the music. Of course, rockstars fucking pornstars is hardly a new phenomenon, but seeing it on film is a novelty. It’s no-frills hardcore fucking with rock and roll style; Teagan even appears in a studded leather skirt and bustier in honor of Jonez. His years of fucking groupies and performing on stage pay off, and he uses Teagan hard until she’s covered in sweat and begs him to go easy on her — for a woman of Teagan’s experience, that implies some serious fucking.
Spyder also bangs 21-year-old Britney Amber of the Bunny Ranch, and adorable newcomer Lexi Belle, and former all-star cheerleader Madison Scott, and punky bleached blonde Jade Jolie (the only one of the bunch to have some punk rock style, and who likes clothespins clipped to her nipples). Spyder pounds them all thoroughly, and cums on their faces. It really is good to be a rockstar.
One complaint: the frequent flashing of the RockStarPimp.com logo, and the cum-spattered girls pimping the site in their final moments on screen, is all a bit annoying — I’m watching it already, aren’t I? I don’t need the hardsell. But Spyder does deliver the goods, so I’ll forgive him.
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Saturday, 30 May 2009
| 12:00 am
| Toys
Bloopy butt-toys are lots of fun, but sometimes they can be a bit . . . challenging. And, while I never thought about having bloops on only one side of the toy, now that I’ve tried it, I’m a convert. The Elements Omega Silicone Butt-Dildo is unique in that it has “waves” that emerge from only one side of the shaft, leaving the other side smooth. This allows for a more focused sensation, especially as it enters the body — try it with the “waves” facing your front, so they hit the sensitive area of the perineum as you insert the toy. The waves are tapered so that you can feel them more intensely going in than coming out — a boon for anyone who’s had a wildly good orgasm and then suddenly wants the toy out immediately (something that’s pretty common, actually).
Beginning with a slender, 1/2″ wide tip, the Elements Omega is easy to insert. The shaft has a slight “S” curve, but is made out of 100% platinum silicone, so it has a comfortable flexibility while retaining enough firmness for penetration; it’s also less porous than many of the other silicone toys on the market, which is ideal for a butt-toy (fewer places for odor to hide when you boil it or throw it in the dishwasher). The shaft is approximately 3/4″ wide, give or take (because of the waves), and maxes out around 1-1/16″ — still a beginner-friendly size. Because of the curves, this toy works well for prostate stimulation (or G-spot stimulation, if you have one of those instead — just be sure to boil it or run it through the dishwasher before you go from the backdoor to the front!). The flange is somewhat oval, with ridges on the slightly raised front end, which make for great perineum or clitoral stimulation (depending on where you use it and, of course, how you’re built).
Add to all these waves, “S” curves and ridges one vibrating bullet, and you’ve got some seriously tingly fun going on. The included One-Touch Bullet fits neatly into the notch in the bottom of the toy, and runs on three watch batteries (included as well). Because the silicone is firm, you can feel the vibrations all the way to the very tip of the toy. The Elements Omega Silicon Butt-Dildo may just be the end-all, be-all of, well, butt-dildo fun!
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Friday, 29 May 2009
| 12:00 pm
| Toys
This next toy has one of the prettiest controllers I’ve ever seen, and it’s nice to see that sort of attention to detail in a relatively inexpensive toy. The Vibin’ Vibin’ Miss Daisy Mini Vibrating Egg is a tiny (just over 3/8″ wide and just under 1-1/2″ long) vibrating egg attached via a pearly white cord to a lovely turquoise flower-shaped controller. Simply press the darker blue button in the middle of the flower to turn it on (and, if you’re trying it first at your desk like I did, make sure the egg isn’t sitting next to things it can rattle loudly against — I literally jumped out of my seat). The egg vibes surprisingly hard for such a wee thing, and you can keep pressing the controller to cycle up through three speeds, then a roller coaster up-and-down, strong slow pulses, strong faster pulses, and a slow up-and-down roller coaster.
Don’t let the news of hard, startling vibrations fool you, though — this vibe is surprisingly quiet in the hand or nestled against other soft tissue (if you have piercings, though, be aware!). The tiny egg is perfect for pin-pointing specific areas (for those who like intense sensations on your clit, this one nestles right in there). Once inserted, I was hard-pressed to hear the vibe even at the highest speed. The cord is long enough that you can keep the controller in your pocket (as long as your shirt covers it, it’s perfectly discreet) so you can wear it around and change the sensations as you see fit.
The controller and vibe are covered in a soft, matte turquoise (the packaging calls it “velvet touch,” which is perhaps overstating the case a little; it’s closer to silk than velvet in terms of feel). The flower controller is 1-3/4″ across at the widest point (petal to petal) and only 3/4″ deep. The Vibin’ Miss Daisy runs on four cell batteries (included) which fit neatly within the back of the flower controller.
A pretty way to make your passion bloom, the Vibin’ Miss Daisy is a tiny force for arousal!
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Friday, 29 May 2009
| 11:38 am
| Culture
I am in a strange position today.
As of last Tuesday, May 26, I am in the strange position of being one of about 36,000 people in the state of California who is legally permitted to be married to her same-sex partner.
Despite the fact that on Tuesday, the California Supreme Court confirmed that Proposition 8 was constitutional; despite the fact that the ban on same-sex marriage is now not only part of state law but is inscribed in the state Constitution . . . I am nevertheless legally permitted to be married to my same-sex partner. Because Ingrid and I got married in the brief window when same-sex marriage was legal here (after the Supreme Court legalized it in May of last year and before Prop. 8 passed last November), I — along with about 36,000 other people — am legally allowed to be married to my same-sex partner in California, and to have that marriage recognized by the state.
Which gives me — if I’m not mistaken — special rights.
Based on a quirk of my sexual and romantic life, based simply on the fact that I happened to be in a long-term, committed, ready- to- be- married, already- thinking- of-ourselves- as- married love relationship with someone of the same sex during that brief window of opportunity in 2008, I, and Ingrid, and about 18,000 other couples, now have special rights.
Which is exactly what the anti-gay right wing has been saying they don’t want.
For years, one of the mantras of the anti-gay right wing has been that LGBT activists want “special rights.” (It’s a mantra that gets used a lot to defend bigotry — it was sounded frequently in the fight against civil rights in the ’50s and ’60s, and in fact was used to oppose interracial marriage — so please take note of that.) And for years, one of the mantras of the LGBT rights movement has been, “Equal rights, not special rights.” We’re not asking for special rights: we’re asking for the same rights, and the same responsibilities, and the same opportunities to participate in and contribute to society, as everyone else.
And yet the weird-ass upshot of this court decision is that I, and Ingrid, and 18,000 other couples, have wound up with special rights.
That, my friends, is a strange position to be in.
I feel a bit like some of my straight friends felt when they got married. They didn’t think there was anything wrong with getting married, or that they were bad people for getting married even though Ingrid and I couldn’t. (And for the record, I agreed with them: I never took the position that opposite-sex couples should boycott marriage until same-sex marriage was legal.) And yet, at the same time, they felt like there was something off, like a slight pall had been cast over their special day.
That’s how I’m feeling now. I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with the fact that Ingrid and I are married. I love being married, and I don’t think denying ourselves that experience does anything to help people who are denied that experience by the law. In fact, I strongly believe that our marriage, and the 18,000 other legal same-sex marriages in California, will positively help the cause of marriage equality. The fact that our marriages haven’t brought the state and the universe crashing to a halt, the example we provide of happy and functional gay-married couples who don’t have horns and hooves, may be one of the strongest tools we have in the ongoing fight for marriage equality, in California and around the country and the world.
Yet at the same time, this feels — icky. It makes me feel soiled. Like I did something bad just by existing.
I can deal with this with my other privileges. I generally have no patience when people whine about being privileged, and I can deal with icky feelings about being white, and college- educated, and financially comfortable, and American, and so on.
But I hate, hate, hate having icky, complicated, soiled feelings about being married to Ingrid. That is not okay. That is just wrong on every level.
I don’t want special rights. I want equal rights. I especially want equal rights when it comes to the rights and responsibilities and social recognition of the most precious relationship I have. And the only way I know how to deal with those icky feelings is to keep fighting for marriage equality: to fight as hard for the right of every other same-sex couple to get married as I did for my own right to marry Ingrid. As hard as my straight friends fought for my right to get married. As hard as I hope everyone reading this blog fights for marriage equality, in California, and around the country, and around the world.
To find out what you can do to support marriage equality, go to Marriage Equality USA, Freedom to Marry, the Courage Campaign, or your local LGBT/ marriage equality organization.
Greta Christina, copyright © 2009. Be sure to check out Greta’s blog.
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Friday, 29 May 2009
| 12:00 am
| Videos
Girls Lusting Girls is lesbian porn from AbbyWinters.com. Shouldn’t that be Girls Lusting After Girls? Is this an Australian idiomatic phrase I’m not familiar with? Or? The DVD has two long girl-girl scenes, both set in bathrooms, both featuring women who look like real women (they’re attractive, but not plastic-surgery-enhanced pneumatic pleasure dolls), and all parties involved appear genuinely interested in fucking their fellow performers, which is nice.
One scene has pale, busty redhead Chloe and dark-haired, somewhat butcher Fae making out in a nightclub bathroom. (It looks more hygienic than you’d expect.) They take turns kneeling on hard tile and licking snatch before retreating to the privacy of a narrow bathroom stall and doing some acrobatic posing using the toilet and the toilet paper dispenser and the sides of the stall. Eventually they move on to the sink, which has the added advantage of a mirror, the better to see all the rimming and anal fingering and digital DP going on. They don’t always look entirely comfortable, but they do look like they’re having a good time, and after all, some discomfort in the right circumstances can be hot. They both come, loudly, often, and, it seems, sincerely.
The other scene is a bit more intimate, set in a residential bathroom, largely in the shower. Adorable Blaire soaps up under the spray until tall Annalisa climbs in, still wearing clothes (a fetching white top that quickly becomes transparent, always a plus in these situations). Before long they’re both naked, and spend some time getting one another nice and clean — when water’s not enough, of course, it’s necessary to really get in there with your tongue . . . seeing sexy women, naked, dripping water, making out and groping one another passionately is one of the true pleasures of porn, and this is an exemplar of the form. The performances are believable, natural, and passionate, everything I’ve come to expect from the folks at AbbyWinters.com. It’ll make you look at the bathroom in a whole new light . . .
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Thursday, 28 May 2009
| 12:00 pm
| Toys
Well, last week’s Spiked Duotone Balls were a huge success, so I thought I’d add another jiggly kegel ball set to the mix to give you even more variety. The Blue Zebra Silicone Kegel Balls are also textured, though this time it’s with raised blue and white ridges instead of spikes. A little gentler on your insides, while still giving you something to grip as your body slowly lubes itself up over the course of wearing them.
Wait, a few of you missed last week’s discussion of exactly what kegel balls do? Ah, the short version: these are a pair of hollow balls (in this case, made out of firm silicone), with little round weights inside each one. You insert the balls into your vagina, and as you move around the weights make the balls jiggle, knocking against you from the inside, providing silent, but steady, stimulation that can help you get in the mood or just keep your day from being too boring (especially if you nestle them against the G-spot!). They’re also a great way to focus your concentration while you perform your daily kegel exercises.
The Blue Zebra Silicone Kegel Balls are nice in that they’re made out of silicone, which is not very porous, making them easy to clean — simply pop them in the top rack of your dishwasher or boil them for a few minutes if you want to sterilize them, or handwash them in soap and water if you just need ‘em clean.
They’re connected by a narrow neck in the middle, making them 4″ long overall, and each of the balls is about 1-3/8″ wide. There’s a looped cord at one end for easy removal. The soft blue-and-white stripes are subtly pretty, making them look as good as they feel.
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Thursday, 28 May 2009
| 12:00 am
| Toys
We have a new version of a best-selling, old favorite double dildo. I’m a huge fan of the Feeldoe Silicone Double Dildo, and have been since back when there was only the “classic” version on the market. The innovative design allows the wearer to grip the insertable portion — shaped like a bulb (3-1/4″ long x 1-1/2″ thick), with a narrow neck for just this purpose — allowing for harness-free wearabilty for some, and greater control when worn with a harness. The receiver’s end is more traditionally dildo-shaped, and now comes in not one, not two, not even three, but four different sizes, so you can pick out the perfect dildo to suit your thrustee, no matter what a size-whore he or she is. The whole thing is made into a vibrating wonder via an (included) One-Touch Mini Vibe that slots into a notch in the “elbow” of the toy (so you both get to feel some of the vibration)!
The latest style is the Feeldoe More, and the receiver’s/ cock-end is a whopping 3/4″ longer and an 1/8″ wider than the next size down (the considerable Feeldoe Stout). (If you think that 1/8″ is paltry, you’ve never tried to go up a size in a butt-plug before you were ready for it.) The extra length is especially nice when wearing it in a harness, as harnesses inevitably hog some of the length for themselves, giving you less to thrust with.
But, this time the good folks behind the Feeldoe (er, I mean the creators, not the ones wearing them) decided to do more than just give you more length and more girth. The cock-end is made to be more flexible, giving you more maneuverability in your thrusting, letting you really get in there and nuzzle, thrust, poke and generally stimulate all those delicious nooks and crannies. They didn’t leave the wearer out, though, and gave her higher clit ridges, making it even easier to grind against and get off while wearing it. The Feeldoe More has more of just about everything!
One more thing about Feeldoes in general — even if you don’t have a partner handy at the moment, consider using it for masturbation. More than one of our testers has reported using it to “jerk off” — insert the bulb, sit forward on those ridges, and jack off the shaft. The jacking off motion — in addition to being novel for most women — pulls rhythmically at the G-spot and rubs steadily on the clit. This feels, frankly, kind of amazing, and is a whole new way for women to get themselves off. Even if you don’t marvel at the cool gender-bendyness of it, the sensation is wonderfully novel.
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Wednesday, 27 May 2009
| 12:00 pm
| Toys
Speaking of slender things, our Pretty Mini Vibrator is a diminutive take on an old classic “phallic” vibe. A smooth, 3/4″ wide shaft starts with a gentle taper and ends 5″ later at the plastic end-cap (where you insert the batteries and turn it on). Unlike the dull, hard plastic material of yore, the Pretty Mini is covered in a multi-colored, metallic sheen that feels wonderfully silky in the hand and is ooh, shiny! The taper (not to mention the silkiness) makes it easy to insert, or you can use it to put direct vibrations right on the clit.
Takes only two AAA batteries (sold separately), but don’t let that fool you — the Pretty Mini doesn’t fool around when it comes to heady vibrations. And you can use the dial in the base to adjust just how much — or how little — vibrating power you need at any given moment. As if that wasn’t enough, it’s completely waterproof, meaning you can take it in the shower, the bath, the hot tub or even jello wrestling (well, we haven’t tested it in jello, but it stands to reason it should do fine). The Pretty Mini is small enough to slip into all but the most teeny of purses, so it’s portable. Pretty, effective and stimulating, the Pretty Mini might just be your next best friend!
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I’ve had a few things in my bookmarks folder that I wasn’t exactly sure how to classify. They weren’t porn per se, but they definitely had elements that made me suspect they’d be titillating if viewed by the right set of eyes — erotic content being in the eye of the beholder, as it were.
Science fiction writer Charles Stross wrote a journal entry called “Rule 34″ that helped crystallize the notion in my mind. (Rule 34, for short-time readers, is “If it exists, there is porn of it.”) While reading about a guy who writes (parody) stories about Roy Orbison being mummified in Saran wrap, Charlie postulated “a rule 34.1: Anything on the internet can be construed as filth, by a mind that’s sufficiently warped.”
I’ve found this to be the case. Many sort-of-weird stories online are slanted with a, “This is sure to appeal to {fill in the blank} fetishists.” Like this pretty awesome high-speed video footage of people sneezing in ultra-slow motion. It’s a public service announcement about not spreading germs, but it must be delicious drawn-out erotica to the sneeze-fetish crowd. (Doubt the existence of such a crowd? I’ve documented them before, but here’s a link to some sneeze porn video favorites.)
Japan is usually the go-to country for weird and vaguely sexualized theme restaurants, but let us turn our attention now to Latvia, home of a hospital-themed restaurant where you can be served food on operating room containers by waitresses in nurse uniforms (with appropriately short skirts) while sitting in booths made of converted hospital beds. It’s either odd, creepy, or titillating, depending on your predilections.
What could be more innocent than the Muppets, beloved icons of puppetry and childhood amusement? Well, to be honest, the Muppets always worked on a couple of levels, making jokes the kids might miss but that adults could laugh at. Still, Jim Henson never did a burlesque version of The Muppet Show; we had to wait for some good people in Los Angeles to come up with that one. Miss Piggy was halfway to burlesque anyway, but to transform Fozzie Bear, Rizzo the rat, and of course the great Gonzo into burlesque figures requires some creative genius; it sounds like a hell of a show, and, of course, it’s an erotic smorgasbord for all those people with deep-seated Swedish Chef fantasies.
Go forth and enjoy the world, my friends, and remember: smut is where you find it.
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Wednesday, 27 May 2009
| 12:00 am
| Toys
This week I’m featuring two new products that were so immediately popular they sold out before I could even feature them here in the update. We finally have stock back in on these hot ticket items, but at the rate they’ve been going I wouldn’t dawdle before you get yours.
Our Rook Glass Butt-Plug was specially designed for us as a smaller, sleeker version of one of our very popular other glass butt-toys. The tip, shaft and neck of the toy all measure a *very* beginner-friendly 3/4″ wide — about the size of an index finger! Unlike an index finger, the rook is made out of Borosilicate glass (the generic name for Pyrex), which, in addition to being firm, smooth and easy to slick up with lube, can also be heated or cooled in hot water or an ice bath, adding yet another dimension to the many sensations it provides.
The tip is slightly elongated, giving you room to get used to the sensation before you tackle the two bloops — both still small enough for novices while adding that crucial bit of texture to titillate the many nerve-endings clustered right there. The bloops also give you something to clench down on, allowing for easier retention, should you desire to keep it while you do other things. At about 3-1/2″ long overall, there’s enough length to play around with while never really risking going too deep. Comes in clear or a lovely lavender color. The Rook is sure to make all the right moves when exploring new territory.
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Tuesday, 26 May 2009
| 12:00 pm
| Videos
In Fallen, headliner Jessica Drake — who’s older than most of her starlet castmates, but is still a lovely and formidable screen presence — plays a guardian angel. Her lovely charge, Jenna Haze, has an unfortunate accident, and Jessica’s failure to protect her gets the angel booted out of heaven, though she still retains certain angelic qualities. She’s miserable, angsty, and embraces the dark side, diving deep into the world of fleshly depravity to distract herself from her sad and meaningless existence. And yet, somehow, meaningless gratuitous sex is so fun to watch!
I like a good fallen angel flick, so a fallen angel porno seemed like a real treat, especially when it’s a production as lavish as this one. The deluxe edition has an oversized DVD case (bigger than a hardback book!) and multiple discs of bonus features. I was impressed. This is an awesome sexual epic, nearly three hours long, with a twenty-minute orgy scene, tons of group sex, anal, some gaping, double penetration with cocks, fingers, toys and etc., come-swapping, toy play, and fetishy costumes. The less epic scenes are still quite satisfactory, especially Jennifer Dark’s three-way with two guys, with Dark looking gothically adorable in a black bustier. There’s even a plot, too, though it doesn’t pay to examine the internal logic too closely. There’s some nice chemistry in Jessica’s scenes with her real-life husband (and director) Brad Armstrong, too.
I was a bit disappointed that, even though Alektra Blue’s name is mentioned prominently on the back cover copy, she doesn’t actually have sex in the feature film proper, but is relegated to an appearance with a lot of other (admittedly lovely) ladies in a deleted scene. That said, I should definitely mention the bonus features, which fill two discs and include some really sweet stuff, including an extended version of the orgy scene that lasts over 40 minutes. There are multiple endings, too, so you can help decide how the story turns out. Fallen is epic, occasionally a bit silly, and ultimately a lot of hot hardcore fun.
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Tuesday, 26 May 2009
| 12:00 am
| Industry
In a world where teenagers get busted for sexting and sex is, supposedly, everywhere on the web, why is abstinence-only-educatrix übermädchen Bristol Palin telling People Magazine:
“Girls need to imagine and picture their life with a screaming newborn baby and then think before they have sex. Think about the consequences . . . If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex. Trust me. Nobody.”
As the owl is fond of saying in chat rooms, “ORLY?”
I trust a lot of people, Bristol: Dentists, airline pilots and the handlers of nuclear waste chief among them. Many of them I trust reluctantly. But I don’t generally trust girls whose education, apparently, didn’t tell them how babies are made. In fact, Bristol’s sex education seems to have left out a lot of things.
Or maybe it didn’t. What it seems to have included is something rarely part of a sex-positive age-appropriate education, but apparently big in Alaska. Her education taught Bristol Palin that being a knocked-up hottie can be a long-term career choice, once she put aside her opinion, stated earlier this year, that abstinence for teens is “not at all realistic.” Now that she’s an abstinence-only spokesperson with her “expenses covered,” she seems to have changed her mind.
Abstinence-only sex education also informed Bristol how to look fabulously sexy. Bonnie Fuller wrote last week in Huffington Post about the fascinating idea that, as Bristol tells People, this “harried” single mother barely has time to sleep but had plenty of time to tart herself up like a hot, sexy nun for the magazine’s photo shoot:
The . . .article, with dreamy full page photos, might as well be titled, “I’m 18, a mom and HOT . . .and you can be too!” There’s not one photo of an exhausted, haggard, harried, unkempt-looking Bristol, reeling under the enormous responsibilities of raising an infant, working part-time — which she is — and hoping to somehow continue her studies. Instead, Bristol appears tanned, rested and already fitting back into her skintight jeans.
And while we’re at it, is it just my imagination, or is Bristol wearing chickens in this photo? And this one? Is looking hot a requirement for an abstinence-only spokesperson — putting out the message that you can be as pure as the Virgin Mary and still look fabulously, devilishly sexy?
Since any ass-clown tall enough to reach the keyboard could reasonably Google “dirty diaper” and get a vivid representation of “the consequences of sex,” as Bristol so charmingly puts it, it’s clearly that Bristol was missing some piece of the puzzle. What condom was she handed that gave her and futurebabydaddy Levi Johnston “permission” to “go all the way” without it? What non-abstinence-only educational forces conspired — in that compelling way that we do, between planning Satanic orgies and having interracial threesomes while wearing cowboy hats and/or David Bowie’s hair — to convince Bristol that the potential “consequences” of sex were things other than physical pleasure, a good time, increased social status, a profound sense of closeness in your relationships, a greatly enhanced sense of self and/or a few orgasms, plus quite possibly an STD or two, HIV infection, or a baby, not to mention a lingering sense regret at how the fuck you hooked up with that loser?
Or that which of those consequences you get playing Teen Sex Roulette depends not just on whether one has sex, but on how one has sex, and with whom?
Who, I ask you, who lied to Bristol Palin about what happens when you fuck!?
If I sound like I’m making a joke of this, I am and I’m not. Bristol Palin is selling sex, and in doing so preaching that giving it away is wrong. The girls looking to Bristol Palin to help them decide whether or not to have sex are not her fellow 18-year-olds, but the 12, 13 and 14 year olds who are just now developing how they feel personally about that choice.
Or, more accurately, those choices, since the message Bristol gives — that having sex is a binary, an either-or — is total bullshit. In fact, Palin is proof positive that sexuality is a continuum or a series of them, because she is expressing her sexuality just by showing off in these pictures. This is a display of exhibitionism in its most damaging fashion. I cannot overstate the destruction that can be wrought by this kind of age-inappropriate influence, which too-young-to-drink Palin is wielding willy-nilly over younger girls just now figuring out where they stand on sex. Palin’s message, that you choose either YES or NO when you “have sex,” is exactly the kind of crap that leads girls to just close their eyes and let shit happen, when a sex-positive harm reduction model could not only teach them what “shit” is likely to get them into trouble, but to encourage them to make choices, to not “let” anything happen to them, but to make choices based on rational evaluation of potential consequences, both positive and negative.
These images of Bristol Palin are totems of sexuality. They are important guides to future behavior. Teen girls even now are looking at these pictures and thinking “Wow, she’s so cool!” The photos, and Palin’s whole media portrayal, embrace sexual desirability while rejecting sexual activity, not specific sexual activities, but all sexual activity. But only one sexual activity can result in what Palin calls the “consequences” of sex.
Bristol is now employed in looking hot while preaching that desirability must remain untouchable — or at least untouched. Meanwhile, while complaining about how hard it is to live as a single mother, she’s cashing a giant check from People — yes, they pay people for starring in their glam photo shoots. In fact, Bristol’s making more per hour, I’ll wager, than any other 18-year-old girl except possibly an actress, musician, model or — wait for it! — the very top tier of porn star.
How many 16-and-17-year-old girls will be “saved” by appealing photos of the glamorous Governette, having abandoned her pre-pregnancy dream of becoming a nurse, trading it in for being an international famous person with nothing to say but lots of room to say it in?
I can guarantee you one thing: Most of them won’t be next year’s abstinence-only spokespeople. They’ll be too “harried” to hang out with the cheerleader from “Heroes.” And they won’t cash any huge checks from People.
Thomas Roche blogs about fairies, zombies, and 18-year-old skanks at thomasroche.com.
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Tuesday, 26 May 2009
| 12:00 am
| Videos
Is it silly that I decided to review Car Wash — from a selection of literally thirty screeners in my pile — solely because of the presence of Katie Morgan, who I just saw a few days ago in mainstream romantic comedy Zack and Miri Make a Porno? I always liked Katie’s work anyway, but the discovery that she’s capable of genuine comic timing (and that she’s willing to make fun of the business she’s in) made me even fonder. She does great work in this movie, too, and even gets to deliver some good lines.
The lovely blonde ladies — Stefani Morgan, Lanny Barby, Katie Gold, Katie Morgan, and Shay Sweet — are cheerleaders with dreams of making the national competition. Alas, only the top five teams in the country are invited to compete, and their team came in at number six. The obvious solution is to use some shady family connections to rub out one of the other teams, opening up a slot in finals (but they’ll call the mobster after they take a shower together, of course.)
Mob guy agrees to take out their competition, but it’ll cost five grand and some sexual favors, including getting head from Katie poolside while the others make out for his amusement. Other sex scenes emerge, as it were, organically from the setting — one girl walks in on a squadmate’s brother masturbating and decides to help him out, even asking him to fuck her in the ass. In order to get the money, they resort to various fundraising methods, from an erotic photo shoot to a bikini car wash — which involves pissing on a windshield, something I didn’t expect from such a frothy film. Pissing’s really gone mainstream, it seems, showing up in more and more otherwise non-fetish movies. Then again, bodily fluids in general getting sprayed around fits the crude teen sex comedy template, which is so accurate here that Carwash even includes a jizz-as-hair-gel joke. (And a naked feather pillowfight scene. And a team shower scene, as aforementioned.) Finally there’s a poker game where the stakes involve cocksucking and cunt-licking, but the team makes just enough money to put themselves over the top.
And, yay! They successfully have another team murdered so they can compete at nationals! I only regret that we don’t get to see a bunch of scantily-clad cheerleading squads performing obscene routines, but that’s what the imagination is for. This was a surprisingly fun and funny movie, with some good one-liners, and it really could be a summer teen sex romp where the sex is way more explicit than usual.
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Monday, 25 May 2009
| 12:00 pm
| Toys
While you can’t beat a good clitoral vibrator that is made to focus sensation directly on the clit, I’ve long been a proponent of the idea that a good innie vibe can also be used for both internal and external vibrations — there’s nothing stopping you from putting the vibrator on the clit, after all! Well, they finally went and made an innie vibe that seems to be made with just this dual-purpose in mind: the Pulse Multi-Speed Silicone Vibrator.
Why do I think they were thinking of clits as well as insertability when they made this soft blue silicone wonder? Well, the Pulse has horizontal ridges, which wouldn’t be noteworthy except that those ridges start off small and close together at the tip — the very place that you’re going to be rubbing back-and-forth over the clit, should you desire to use it this way. This means that while you’re focusing the vibrations on that sensitive little nub, you’ve got another kind of tactile sensation going on from those ridges.
The ridges get larger as they move down the long shaft (7-3/4″ insertable), so when you insert this guy you have somewhat bloopy sensation. There’s a smooth tip and this smoothness extends down on three sides, lessening the bloopy intensity a bit but also making it much easier to insert the toy. This is important as that shaft gets to a substantial 1-5/8″ wide — wide enough to make you feel nice and full.
All this, and I haven’t yet mentioned the nice variety of vibrations the Pulse has to offer! Three speeds of steady vibration are followed by two different pulsation patterns. Press the button on the bottom to start the vibrations and keep pressing to move through the various modes. Press and hold to turn it off again. Runs on two AA batteries (not included, but we do sell them), and comes with a handy instruction booklet.
Having those five vibration options is nice, especially if you’re not sure what kind of vibrations you’ll like going in. Our tester raved about the pulsation patterns; she said when inserted they simulated the sensation of a good rogering. The Pulse will have you grooving to your own private beat in no time!
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Monday, 25 May 2009
| 12:00 am
| Supplies
The new lube craze sweeping through the tank (aka Blowfish HQ) is Sliquid. And, while our suppliers are slipping and sliding and falling all over themselves in a comically hurried manner to fill the huge number of orders, I went and brought on yet another Sliquid option for all your lubey needs.
Now our Sliquid Swirl Flavored Lubricant comes in a new, Blue Raspberry flavor! Those of you who liked the idea of flavored Sliquid, but weren’t crazy about the ice cream parlor associations of Cherry Vanilla can now get all tarted up with a more sophisticated fruity taste. Blue Raspberry is also sweetened with a touch of aspartame (the same stuff that makes most of your diet sodas sweet), but has that delightful sharp tartness to the flavor as it plays over the tongue. Neither flavor is that overpowering, however — the folks at Sliquid are just giving you a bit of sensory counterpoint to the amazing slipperiness of their formula. Great for oral sex, or for regular sex where you stop and mix in some oral sex later, or just to add a bit of variety in your lube.
A few of you are still wondering, why the Sliquid mania? It’s a glycerine-free, water-based lube that stays slippery a loooonnng time. You can use it with latex, rubber, and silicone (as well as stuff like metal and glass of course). Because it’s glycerine-free means it’s not going to play unfairly with your hoo-hah chemistry (and, yes, I’m just being funny and I promise I’m not afraid to say vagina), and it’s easy to clean up (being water-based). Us Blowfishies just love us some Sliquid, and we give all varieties two fins up!
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