The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: Wetting the Bed with Pride

Last fall, I taught myself how to ejaculate. If you are a stranger to female ejaculation, well, you’ve probably not watched much porn lately. Squirting is all the rage these days, hitting the “cool things to do in bed” charts right behind anal and D-P (double penetration). Research indicates that 54-60% of women have experienced emission of fluid at orgasm at some point in their lives*, so female ejaculation, though discussed rarely at cocktail parties or in scientific labs, is certainly no stranger to the scene.

The gist? Female genitals are tricky things, what with all the ducts and systems going on beneath the surface. In many women, firm stimulation of the upper wall of the vagina (think: the side closest to the belly button) can induce swelling of the urethral sponge, more commonly known as the G-spot, as it was first named by Dr. Ernst Grafenberg. (On some other occasion I may choose to muse over the why Dr. Grafenberg would choose to name a part of the female genitalia after himself, but I wouldn’t count on it.) When stimulated with pressure and/or friction, the G-spot will swell as a result of two factors. First, because the G-spot is made of spongy tissue is very similar in composition to the penis; it fills with blood and puffs up when manipulated. Additionally, women have glands on either side of their urethra that collect fluid when they become aroused. These para-urethral glands are called Skene’s glands, homologous to the prostate gland in men, and the fluid that fills these glands constitutes the majority of female ejaculate.

The combination of significant pressure on the G-spot combined with pelvic contractions during orgasm may expel the accumulated fluid from the Skene’s glands and portions of the urethral sponge out of the body. In lay terms, pressure + friction = squirting. If you’ve ever squirted or seen a woman squirt, you might think that she is pissing. Never fear, female ejaculate is not urine, though it come out of the urethra, and is a clear, sweet-tasting fluid with some trace elements similar to prostate fluid.

I’ve talked to many women over the years that felt plagued by their ejaculations. Many ladies experienced rejection from lovers who accused them of urinating or partners who didn’t like the comforter getting soggy. Many women were humiliated that their orgasms made such a mess. On the flip side, I’ve also known plenty of women who say that their squirting intensifies their orgasms more than double and that some of their most pleasurable sex of all time took place while squirting all over so-and-so. I was willing to set aside my fears for just a taste of the intensity they describe.

I’ve doodled around with my G-spot for years. Even before learning what a G-spot was I knew that pressing on the upper wall of my vagina felt far better than pressing anywhere else inside (although pressure alone was pretty low on the “How Erotic Does This Feel?” scale). I’d come plenty of times from pressure on my G-spot when combined with clitoral stimulation, but I’d never hit upon the mysterious phenomenon of squirting orgasms.

Shouldn’t I be able to ejaculate if I wanted to badly enough? I am a sex educator, by gods! I have the right, no, the obligation, to teach myself to ejaculate for all of the women out there who have suffered out of shame for lack of information about their bodies.

I was game to ejaculate. But how was I to begin?

I hunkered down in my bathroom tub (didn’t want to wet the bed with a tell-tale spot, I know, not very sex positive, huh?) with a bottle of lube, a few firm dildos with angled heads, and my how-to guide Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot by D. Sundahl. The directions were clear enough. Insert lubed fingers and locate the G-spot. Rub vigorously. The G-spot should swell and put pressure on the urethra, which may result in feeling like you have to urinate. Once swollen and while rubbing firmly, try to let loose and pee. You won’t be able to. Keep trying. Rub, rub, remove your fingers and try to pee. Repeat. Eventually it will happen.

Hmm. Seemed easy enough. I got down to business with some lube and exploration. My G-spot did indeed swell up pretty fast. I figured I was right on track. Rub, rub, try to pee . . . nothing. Weird. Well, I figured I’d have to keep trying. Rub, rub, rub, rub, pee. Nope. Nothing.

The fingers on my right hand got tired from pressing so much. I switched hands only to discover that my left hand was a pathetic substitute for my right. I went back to rubbing with my right hand until my fingers cramped. This was more difficult than I had anticipated.

I remembered the toys I brought with me and went to town with them. That was better for a while, but still no squirting. The book encouraged me not to come while I was doing this so naturally I started to get a little bored. Rub, rub, pee. Nothing. Nearly 40 minutes had passed. Rub, rub, pee. Nothing. Rub, rub, pee. Noth— Oh My Gosh!

And there it was, streaming from between my legs and all over the bathtub faucet, my first ejaculation! I stared in amazement. It looked like urine but tasted (yes, I tasted it) like sweetish, clear water, just as I was told it would. I was floored. I can’t remember ever being as enthralled with my body as I was in the minutes that followed my first water show. I even dug out an old journal and wrote an entry about the experience as if I had given birth or kissed my first crush. Then I called just about everyone I knew to tell them the news.

I can’t say that my first squirt was the best orgasm I ever had. In fact, I didn’t even come that time. But I did have a tremendous sense of release and wallowed in pride for days. Over time I’ve learned to link my ejaculations with orgasm and, for me, squirting orgasms are truly fantastic. More than the sensation, however, I remain enthralled with the “proof” of my arousal that pours out of my body and soaks the sheets. It really is quite a sight.

But one of the most notable aspects of female ejaculation is the virtual silence around it as it happens in real-life sex. No one talks about it. It took the mentioning of this column for two of my best friends to come forward with the news that they’ve been squirters for years. One of them ejaculated the very first time she masturbated in the fifth grade! You might imagine her terror, fear that led to swearing off her genitals as unpredictable geysers for more than 12 years. I find this terribly sad!

Most women are capable of experiencing ejaculation firsthand if they put in the time and elbow grease. If you’ve never had the experience, I encourage you to try. I believe learning to squirt can redefine arousal as an active process for women and reveal new, exciting sensations. Not only that, it is freaking miraculous to watch. Just don’t fall victim to sleeping in your own wet spot. May I recommend laying down a bath towel?

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

* Bullough, B; M David, B Whipple, J Dixon, ER Allgeier, KC Drury. (March 1984). “Subjective reports of female orgasmic expulsion of fluid.” Nurse Pract. 9 (3): 55-9. PMID 6546788. Retrieved on 2007-06-22.

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Ask Blowfish: Sex, Dildos, and Rock and Roll!

Dear Blowfish,

So, tell me about the Heart of Stone! How heavy is it? It is heavy enough to stay still during serious fucking, all by itself?

Well, the Heart of Stone weighs in at 2.25 pounds (er, 1.0205828 kilograms). I’m not sure I can promise that it won’t move during a vigorous fucking — honestly, I’m not sure I can recommend that it be fucked vigorously (depending on your definition of “vigorous”), as it’s stone and therefore will not bend or give with your body; if you were to get carried away and come down on it wrong . . . well, ouch!

That said, the base is flat and nice and thick, so it probably will work ok if you put it on a non-slip mat on top of carpet, but I’m just guessing.

Happy playing!

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New Toy: Adjustable Spreader Bar

Maybe you have a late summer wedding that you need a gift for. Perhaps you have a weekend with your sweetie coming up and you want to spice things up. Or it might just be that you’ve had a long week and want to pamper yourself a bit. Whatever the occasion, Kama Sutra’s line of delectable massage and body products are sure to delight, soothe, titillate or otherwise inspire you to new heights of creative sensuality.

Our newest kit is a Treasure Trove of such delights — no, really, it says so right in the name: Kama Sutra Treasure Trove, Strawberry Champagne! Unlike Kama Sutra’s other kits, this gorgeous pink-tinged tin concentrates on just one tantalizing flavor, and it’s one we think appeals to a wide variety. I mean, who doesn’t like ripe strawberries, bursting with flavor alongside the nose-tickling light bubbly experience of good champagne? Comes with Kama Sutra’s Oil of Love, Honey Dust (with feather applicator) and Stimulating Pleasure Balm, all in said Strawberry Champagne. A truly kissable collection of sweet lover’s treats!

• Kama Sutra Treasure Trove, Strawberry Champagne

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New Supply: Kama Sutra Treasure Trove, Strawberry Champagne

Maybe you have a late summer wedding that you need a gift for. Perhaps you have a weekend with your sweetie coming up and you want to spice things up. Or it might just be that you’ve had a long week and want to pamper yourself a bit. Whatever the occasion, Kama Sutra’s line of delectable massage and body products are sure to delight, soothe, titillate or otherwise inspire you to new heights of creative sensuality.

Our newest kit is a Treasure Trove of such delights — no, really, it says so right in the name: Kama Sutra Treasure Trove, Strawberry Champagne! Unlike Kama Sutra’s other kits, this gorgeous pink-tinged tin concentrates on just one tantalizing flavor, and it’s one we think appeals to a wide variety. I mean, who doesn’t like ripe strawberries, bursting with flavor alongside the nose-tickling light bubbly experience of good champagne? Comes with Kama Sutra’s Oil of Love, Honey Dust (with feather applicator) and Stimulating Pleasure Balm, all in said Strawberry Champagne. A truly kissable collection of sweet lover’s treats!

• Kama Sutra Treasure Trove, Strawberry Champagne

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New Book: Stacked Decks: The Art and History of Erotic Playing Cards

As a child, breaking into my folks’ secret porn cabinet (with no locks, mind you), I remember stumbling onto my first set . . . a deck of nudie playing cards piqued my girlish curiosity, and I haven’t stopped peeking since. If you’ve ever wondered about the origin of playing decks like these, then we’ve got the book for you! Erotic art card decks, hand-picked from vintage pornographic art collector Mark Lee Rotenberg’s personal stash, feature yummy honeys from around the world, dating from circa 1835 to the early 1970s. This collection features bathing beauties with soapy nipples, fun little shots of girls with pasties, sky-clad coquettes, lesbian play, teasingly light bondage photographs, and sensual softcore Renaissance artwork, all condensed down to the size of a cigarette case (which was convenient, since many of these were packaged along with cigarettes). The book also details a fascinating historical glimpse into the underground — and once illegal — distribution of these decks. My favorites include: the French nude playing cards, an endearing Strip Tease deck, the smolderingly lush Le Florentin, and the nude in quirky wolf-masks or holding stuffed animals. As the chronology of the artwork unfolds, each new photo-card set is progressively racier, more taboo and more exotic for their day. Va-va-voom! An arousing, fun coffee table viewing book.

• Stacked Decks: The Art and History of Erotic Playing Cards

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New Video: Brea’s Crowning Glory

So, Brea’s Crowning Glory is actually quite good. But, oh, Laurent Sky, you strange director you. What’s with the women rotating around on lazy susans? Do you have a vinyl record fetish? Do you only like your ladies when they’re spinning at 78 rpms? I can roll with the weird sets and strange lighting and MTV-style quick cuts and double-exposures and gratuitous wind machines and everything, but whenever you start some poor starlet spinning around I can’t help but giggle.

Ahem. Okay, so the movie has a quirky style, but it also has hot hardcore sex and beautiful women and, weird as some of the costuming choices are, they’re also often hot. The first scene has the luscious Brea Bennett wearing booty shorts and a cutoff shirt that barely covers her breasts, and — in the necessary weird touch — a belt with an electronic display scrolling the word “Sexy” constantly. (Eventually the belt comes off, though it returns at the end to accept a portion of the cumshot. (Wonder if that voids the warranty?) Brea is famous as the first winner of porno reality show “Jenna’s American Sex Star” from Playboy TV, where women compete for the chance to become a Club Jenna contract star, and she really does have star quality. The camera seems to love her, and her look — blonde, fit, and lean — is surprisingly natural, with no obvious surgical enhancements. (In a later scene she has on too much make-up and overdone hair, but her first scene is quite lovely.) Brea is in fine form, but she’s outdone by McKenzie Lee, who looks like the very incarnation of decadent sex in her merrywidow lingerie, and who takes on two guys in an impressive threesome that culminates in double-penetration. Hillary Scott has the best anal scene, though. Really, this is a movie that goes from strength to strength, and ultimately the strangeness factor is surprisingly low and un-distracting for a Laurent Sky feature — most of the sex scenes are pretty much focused on, well, sex. It’s not perfect — the one girl-girl scene is kind of eh — but it’s well worth checking out, for Brea’s boy-girl initiation and McKenzie Lee’s blazing hot scene alone.

• Brea’s Crowning Glory

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Willing

I’ve been kicked by the wind, robbed by the sleet
Had my head stoved in, but I’m still on my feet
And I’m still.
Willin’.
—Lowell George, “Willin’”

Rebekah’s column in this blog on the F-word – frequency of sex, and couples negotiating same – reminded me of something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while. It’s one of the best pieces of sex advice I ever read, and I wanted to pass it along.

It’s from lesbian sex adviser JoAnn Loulan. Now normally, I’m not a big fan of Loulan; she’s a bit too fixated on slotting people into sexual categories for my taste, she’s insisted that butch/femme is a universal concept that applies to all lesbians whether they like it or not; and she’s said some outrageously harsh and stupid things about bisexuals. But this piece of advice has always stuck with me. It’s one of the most useful ideas about sex that I’ve ever heard . . . and as my sex life has changed and shifted with the years, it’s only gotten more useful.

The idea is this: To have a sexual encounter that’s pleasurable for both (or all) partners, you don’t need to start out being aroused or excited or in the mood.

You just need to start out being willing

You need to start out willing to be aroused and excited and turned on. You need to start out willing to have sex, and to have a good time doing it. You need to be willing to be seduced . . . and to seduce. You don’t have to start out in the mood; you just have to be in the mood to be in the mood. If that makes sense.

I think this is good advice for anybody. But I think it’s especially good advice for those of us who are getting older and whose bodies aren’t as quick on the draw as they used to be. It’s especially good advice for long-term couples who have been together a while, and who aren’t as instantly excited by the mere presence of a sexually available person in their bed as they once were. And it’s especially good advice for busy, stressed-out couples who are scheduling and planning sex to make sure they make room for it in their lives.

Let’s take a closer look at that last one. Scheduling sex in advance is advice that’s often given to couples whose sex life is flagging. But it also gets a bad rap. It’s seen as unsexy, unspontaneous, clinical even, to have sex, not because you’re “in the mood,” but because it’s in your datebook.

But when you let go of the idea that you have to be “in the mood” to get things started, then scheduling sex suddenly gets a whole lot easier. When you start reframing a willingness to be in the mood as a version of being in the mood itself, a pre-scheduled sex date seems less like a cold duty and more like a tingly, long-anticipated treat. Like sitting down to dinner at a fabulous restaurant that you’ve had reservations for for weeks.

To make this work, though, there’s something you have to let go of.

You have to let go of the idea that sex should be perfect at all times, a splendid erotic ballet between perfectly harmonized bodies and souls. Specifically, you have to let go of the idea that the transition from not-sex to sex should always be fluid and graceful, the idea striking both parties like lightning at the exact same moment, the way it does in the movies.

A scheduled sexual encounter, between people who aren’t yet aroused but are willing to be, will sometimes start out a bit awkwardly. When one or both of you doesn’t quite have your motor revving at full throttle yet, there’ll sometimes be a few jerks and hiccups before you get going. You have to be willing to let that awkwardness happen, and trust that once things get going, it’ll pass.

So the thing to remember is this: Even if you’re not in the mood when you start, starting to have sex can get you in the mood. And like most things, this gets better and easier with practice. The more you let yourself be willing to be excited even though you’re not quite excited yet, the more natural and graceful it feels . . . and with the Pavlovian self-training of time and experience, your willingness to get excited feels more and more like the actual excitement itself.

Greta Christina, copyright © 2007. Be sure to check out Greta’s blog.

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Caught in the Net: Childish Things

The good book says it, y’all: “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” But some of us don’t really bother with the whole putting-away part . . . we just make certain adjustments, and suddenly childish things can seem a whole lot more adult. Cases in point:

You gotta give it to the Japanese when it comes to fetishes: their culture is endlessly inventive. For instance, crush videos are a modestly popular niche in America, where women (often barefoot, though sometimes clad in boots or high heels) smush things with their feet, from grapes to eggs to bugs to dead fish. But in Japan? They make videos where hot models crush model trains beneath their heels. (This probably ties nicely into the Giantess fetish, too.) Choo choo!

Remember Care Bears? (If you’re roughly my age, I bet you do.) Those adorable snuggly bears from the land of Care-a-lot have headed for Southern California to co-star in rough strap-on porn videos with cute blondes.. (The bear in question is Cheer Bear, if you’re curious, which means this is lesbian strap-on Care Bear porn.) I think I just felt the last of my innocence dry up and blow away on a hot Santa Ana wind. I really hope they tossed that stuffed toy into the wash afteward . . .

What toys are more iconic than Barbie and her dick of a boyfriend Ken? I know lots of people who, in their youth, spent an unhealthy amount of time stripping Ken and Barbie naked and scrutinizing their crotches for some sign of vestigial genitalia. Thus, I was unsurprised to encounter this nicely done music video of the dolls getting it on. The Barbie blowjob is especially impressive, though I find the milk bath bit at the end strangely off-putting. (At least . . . I hope that’s a milk bath.)

I tried, but failed, to find porn involving dessert-themed cartoon heroine Strawberry Shortcake. It seems like there should be something of the sort out there; she always struck me as such a little tart. (Ba-dum-chi!)

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OTAKU MAnKO: Americans Relinquish Sex for the Net

Writer Audacia Ray recently linked to a Reuters article on a study that purports to prove that Americans, increasingly, are forgoing sex for the Internet.

Hey, can you blame them? How often does sex involve hedgehogs, UFOs and Britney Spears? (Don’t answer that.)

What’s most interesting to me about the study is not what it finds but that it was treated as news. This study was conducted by advertising giant J. Walter Thompson, a company with over 8,500 employees and more than 300 officces in 87 countries. J. Walter Thompson serves 1,200 clients, including Pfizer, Shell, Nestle, Kellogg (Hi there, Johnny Boy!), and the United States Marine Corps. More to the point, apparently tired of that stodgy “J. Walter Thompson” name that was kicking around since 1877, they’ve mothballed their venerable moniker and reinvented themselves as the enormously hip “JWT,” flaunting what they got in a web site that’s a screaming nightmare of browser-crashing self-indulgence. Clearly, this is a company with its finger squarely on the pulse of technology (guess which finger?).

The Reuters article quoted JWT’s Ann Mack, whose title, “Director of Trend Spotting,” should ensure that you believe absolutely anything she says.

“The internet is taking away from offline activities such as sex, socialising face-to-face, watching TV and reading newspapers and magazines,” said [Mack]. “I don’t suppose their partners are too pleased about it.”

As Dacia points out, the URL of the Yahoo repost of the Reuters story ends with /technology_addiction1_dc, which is helpful of Yahoo, for those of us too dense to clue in to the article’s agenda right off the bat. All this enlightenment is, quite helpfully, illustrated with a picture of a guy typing. The caption? “A man uses a keyboard in an undated file photo.” And here I thought it was a picture of a Peruvian tap dancer.

Regardless of whether Ann Mack or the ghost of J. Walter Thompson has any qualifications to tell me whether my partner likes or doesn’t like me on the internet, the study, like most news stories about sex on the net, assume that meaningful sexual interactions don’t take place online. News stories like this discount the profound power of the net to bring provide new sexual experiences.

In her comments, Mack assumes respondents are partnered, and are staying up late to email, blog, or download music rather than going to bed and fucking their partners. She, and anyone who reports this garbage as news, puts forth the belief that there’s some profoundly important interaction that takes place in bed but never takes place anywhere else. They assume that fucking is categorically different than emailing, chatting or blogging, when in reality, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t.

Even assuming the study is accurate — and I’m doing that only for the sake of argument — who’s to say it matters? As far as I’m concerned, all the sexual variations one can sample online are worth a little sacrifice. But I’m not convinced there’s really any sacrifice involved. “Sex” and “the internet” are not binary choices — but what if they were? People choosing the internet “over” real-time, in-person sex could be doing so for one of a million reasons. Maybe the kind of sex they want is physically impossible, or inappropriate with their real-life partner. Maybe they don’t have a real-life partner; maybe they don’t even want one. Maybe they get more satisfaction from reading Wikipedia articles about African history, or watching videos of puppies, or playing online games more satisfying than having sex.

What troubles me most about this study, and the wider newswriting trend it engenders, is that it does what physicians, psychologists, politicians, and sexual partners have been doing forever: pathologizing new behaviors because they are different. Studies like this reported as “news” represent the worst kind of technophobia and, less obviously, a rampant terror of sexual variation. People are going online “instead” of having sex, we’re told, and “I don’t suppose their partners are too pleased about it.”

I don’t suppose Ann Mack has the faintest idea what my partner is or isn’t pleased about, so I wish JWT would go back to hawking corn flakes.

Thomas Roche is the managing editor of Eros Zine, teaches at San Francisco Sex Information, and also blogs on sex, drugs and cryptozoology at thomasroche.com.

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Couple’s Couch: The F Word

There is none so fearsome a word in the English language as the dreaded F-word. I’m not talking about “fuck,” though. Nor am I referring to “fornicate,” “freeway traffic,” or even “flatulence.” One of the most difficult and pervasive issues in everyday sexual relationships revolves around the subject of “frequency.”

Sexual frequency issues are loaded enough to fell otherwise wonderful relationships. No matter how dedicated folks are to one another and how sexy they find each other, there are bound to be, at the very least, periods of a relationship where one of you wants to fuck twice a day and the other person would rather take a nap and be left the hell alone.

Sexuality is a funny thing. It is uniquely private and can exist in our imaginations and masturbatory fantasies without anyone else’s permission or knowledge. At the same time, it can also be something we agree to share with someone or someones, a negotiated exchange of ideas, pleasure, and trust. Given the very nature of partnered sex, getting folks to agree on the how’s and when’s of its actualization is not always seamless.

What are the couples (and triads and other collaborative sex-group members) to do when one person wants to fuck more or less often than the other(s)?

For the sake of argument, let’s assume that a couple comes in to my office complaining of sexual frequency issues. It boils down to the fact that she wants to have sex about five times a week. Her lover, while desperately attacked to her, self defines as a sex-once-every-week-or-two kind of guy. They both wax and wane in their optimal frequency (there is that dreaded f-word again), but they both report that this is where they average out.

It doesn’t take a therapist to see that this situation is going to eventually put strain on their relationship. If the female partner in this couple is like many other people that occupy the position of “seeking”, she might say that she feels like her desire for her partner is a good thing and that she wishes he could try a little harder to initiate sex, even if it was just every once in awhile. She might say that getting turned down over and over again is hurtful, and not only that, it makes her feel like she is always badgering him for sex which makes her feel simultaneously overbearing, increasingly desperate, and unloved.

And if he is like many other people in situation of “gate-keeping,” he would say that he is tired of being nagged about sex all of the time. The more he hears about fucking, the less he wants to be a part of it. He might even say that he tries to be intimate with her more often, but the moment a kiss gets passionate or he makes sexy eyes at her, she jumps right to thinking that full-on fucking is right around the corner. This makes him retreat from interactions that could be construed as sexual, which in turns forces him into the position of managing their frequency by means of withholding.

This dynamic ends up looking like an intricate dance of push and pull with no improvement and, unfortunately, increasingly frustrated lovers. What can be done to break this cycle?

If both partners are willing to work on a frequency issue, and both partners working on it is a requirement, there are some things that can be done to help facilitate an agreement.

• First off, there has to be some recognition that both partners have to do some compromising. You both may feel that you are totally in the right about your side of the equation and indeed, you are. No amount of wishing or begging is going to get you both on the same page, lickety-split, so be prepared for some work.
• Have a sit down, all out on the table conversation. I think a, “In a perfect world, what would your sex life with me look like?” scenario is a good place to begin. Once everyone involved gets a chance to talk, you can sit back and assess the discrepancy. From there, try to push yourself (no, I did not say push your partner) to move more in the direction of your partner’s optimal level. Everyone must give in this scenario if it is to work. And no whining; your lover, having pushed themselves out of their comfort zone for you already, will not be sympathetic.
• Consider romantic and sexual activities other than intercourse as interactions that can “count” toward an overall total. I suggest counting any activity that would cause intense embarrassment should you happen to be walked in on by a family member as half a tally. In this way, naked showers with soapy tummy rubs (but no genital play) could be considered an intentional sexual exchange. Lots of non-intercourse exchanges can “add up” to “count” as strongly as genital sex. What else would count for you? Massages? Sexy notes? Listening in as one person masturbates? Buying your lover a book of erotica and leaving it on their pillow? If you are the gate-keeping partner, there are lots of ways of validating your partner’s desire to be sexual with you without putting out. (And validation here is a key element to keeping them fulfilled.)
• Over the course of a few days, pay attention to the periods of the day when you feel the most (and least) sexual. Factors in our environment and the ebb and flow of our hormones regularly impact our desire to be sexual. Perhaps your partner feels sexy in the mornings with the sunlight pouring through the window but throughout the day stressors and obligations deflate their desire like a leaky balloon. Or maybe they feel hottest right before dinner when the workday is behind them; once they’ve had a shower and feel refreshed the game is on. If they masturbate, when do they do it? When do you? Compare your lists and see what your patterns look like next to one another. Act accordingly.
• Pick a night. I know, this already sounds cheesy. Often times, however, it is difficult to fit sex into a busy schedule. Clearing the calendar for fucking can help to increase sexual anticipation and make sure that sex happens. And if you aren’t in the mood when Wednesday evening comes around? Try faking it and being extra dramatic about it. It can be surprising how much a little over-the-top acting can put you in the mood. If both people aren’t into it though, call it a night and reschedule. This is supposed to be fun, not a chore. If the time isn’t right, don’t beat yourself (or them) up over it—unless you are into that kind of thing.

Some of these ideas may resonate with you while others may leave you cold. The most important message in all of this is learning how to accept sexual advances, and how to decline them, gracefully and with love. Unrest builds when there is high rejection and low validation. If your lover comes to you with lust in their eyes and it just can’t happen right then, do your darndest to phrase your “no” with tenderness. All too often your “no” is heard as a rejection of more than just their advances, but a rejection of their bodies, their love, and/or a rejection of them as a person. You must be careful with one another and use your words with mindfulness.

As an illustrative example: Just the other night I was chomping at the bit for some lovin’ and my lady looked at me and said, “I’m so flattered that you want to have sex with me right now and it makes me feel hot when you look at me like that. But honey, I just don’t have the energy right now. Can I take a rain check for tomorrow?” And just like that, I was both validated and defused. I had reason to believe that she still wanted me, a future date for some action, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not pushing her into a sexual situation that she did not want to be in.

And did I get laid the next day?
You bet I did.

Even if you never come to agreement on a set frequency, working on understanding one another’s perspectives will positively impact your sex for the rest of your relationship.

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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Male Dom Female Sub

Has anyone else noticed a drastic shift in kinky porn in the last few years?

It used to be that the most common trope in kinky porn was the dominant woman. Madame Cruella, Mistress of Pain, Kitten with a Whip—these were the themes and images that dominated, if you will, the world of SM porn, both in writing and in visual art. It was a cliche, even: everyone knew the cliche of the powerful business executive who paid to get beaten and humiliated once a week—or who built a library of fem-dom porn to help him fantasize about it.

But in the last few years, I’ve been seeing a definite shift. In the kinky porn that comes across my path (and a fair amount of kinky porn comes across my path), I’m seeing less and less porn starring dominant women, and more and more starring submissive women and dominant men.

I’ll admit that I haven’t studied this trend with any scientific rigor: this observation is very much anecdotal, and I could be talking out of my ass. But I really don’t think so. I was actually so used to the prevalence of dominant women in SM porn that it took me a while to realize that they weren’t nearly as prevalent as they used to be.

And now I’m wondering: What’s that about?

You could argue that this trend is sexism at work. Most porn is still aimed at a primarily male audience, after all. And while men were happy to fantasize about powerful women with whips back when it was overwhelmingly a man’s world, as women have been gaining more and more power, men are fantasizing more and more about taking that power away.

I suppose there might be something to that theory. But it can’t possibly be all there is. Because women are having these fantasies, too. In droves. Women writers and artists are creating a lot of this male-dom female-sub porn—and increasingly, a female audience is sucking it up. Myself included. I eat it up like popcorn.

In fact, you could argue that this dynamic is happening because of the opposite of sexism. Women have had submissive and masochistic fantasies for ages, and porn is finally starting to cater to our goddamn fantasies of being the helpless, vulnerable center of attention/ object of desire—not just men’s.

But I think there’s something else going on here, something that’s key. Again, I haven’t studied this with any kind of rigor, so I’m just going to speak for myself, on the assumption that what’s true for me may be true for others as well.

I think that we fantasize about what we don’t have. Stressed-out city folks dream of tropical paradises and bucolic rural getaways; bored small-town folks dream of the excitement and glamour of the big city. Unhappy single people dream of true love; unhappy married people dream of being footloose and fancy-free. Etc., etc., etc. That’s the whole point of a fantasy, isn’t it? Even if your life is generally good, you’re still not going to fantasize about the things you already have.

So what does this have to do with male-dom female-sub porn? After all, we still live in a sexist world where women have less power than men. Wouldn’t women and men alike be fantasizing about men in shackles and women with whips?

In the much broader and more obvious sense, of course that’s true. We’ve made a lot of advances, but the world is still very sexist indeed. But—again, speaking only for myself now—in a more immediate day-to-day sense, the reality that I want a fantasy escape from isn’t sexism.

It’s the fight against sexism.

It’s the constant vigilance against the stupid sexist indoctrination that’s been sunk into my head since I was an infant. It’s the constant struggle to be assertive when I’ve been taught to be compliant, to speak up when I’ve been taught to be a good listener, to argue when I’ve been taught to be agreeable . . . all without turning into an asshole. It’s the constant half-second arguments I have in my head every time a guy says or does something sexist—is this particular battle worth fighting? Do I respond, or let it go?

It gets exhausting. Not just for women, but for men as well, who’re contending with the flip side of gender indoctrination and changing roles and expectations. And I think a big part of the appeal of the male-dom female-sub fantasy is that it offers a break from the fight. It offers an opportunity—whether in a role-play scene in real life or a masturbation fantasy in your head—to take a vacation from the battle, to briefly wallow in the familiar roles, in a safe place that’s separate from your everyday life.

And like most vacation spots, for most people it isn’t the place where you’d really want to live. Sure, there are people who do 24/7 male-dom female-sub relationships, just like there are people who sell their houses and move to Tahiti. But for most people, part of the pleasure of a good vacation is how happy you are to come home from it, the fresh perspective it gives you on everything you love about your everyday life. The indulgence in a fantasy of a masterful man and a compliant or helpless woman gives you a break from the struggle against sexism in your everyday life . . . so you can emerge rested and refreshed and ready to do battle once more.

Greta Christina, copyright © 2007. Be sure to check out Greta’s blog.

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Not as Blissful, but Still Slippery

Dear Blowfish,

I used to use Bliss Lube from you, but it’s gone now . . . what happened?

Ah, unfortunately, the makers of Bliss Lube went out of business a little while ago. Two long-lasting lubes that you might try, if you haven’t yet, are Slippery Stuff (the Gel version is more versatile, in our opinion) or the Eros Aqua Formula (which is going to be quite runny). Both are virtually odorless and tasteless and last a long time.

Happy playing!

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Dryad Wooden Cock-Ring

You’ve wrapped your package in silicone, sheathed it in leather, ringed it in rubber, even cinched it up in chrome. If you’re tired of the usual old materials that our friend the cock-ring has traditionally been made out of, have I got an exciting new ring for you.

Introducing the Dryad Wooden Cock-Ring! These absolutely gorgeous rings are hand-carved from a rich reddish-brown wood that’s just perfect for showing off your manly bits. Sealed with an impermeable finish, these babies are waterproof, hypoallergenic, chemical/ bacteria resistant, phthalate-free and compatible with all known lubricants. Wood is also a natural insulator, so once you’ve got your ring on and warmed up, it’s going to keep your body heat (a definite plus over metal rings, which can stay cold quite some time; as most of you know, this is NOT an area where cold is your friend). (Do note that a few have a ribbon of yellow wood running through them, which is a natural variation; no, sorry, you can’t specify whether yours has it or not.) A very classy way to adorn yourself or that special loverman in your life.

• Dryad Wooden Cock-Ring

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Nitrile Black Dragon Gloves

A few years ago we finally found latex gloves in black, to much cheering from the stylish, the kinky, the goths and everyone else who agrees that black goes with everything. Now, finally, we can offer the same classic color in latex (and powder) -free Nitrile Black Dragon Gloves! Nitrile is a synthetic alternative to latex, with many advantages, including being stronger, thinner (which means more sensation!), and compatible with oil-based lubricants. It contains no natural rubber proteins to distress those allergic to latex. They come in small, medium, large and, yes, even extra-large, in boxes of 100 (all one size per box). Since Nitrile is less stretchy than latex, if you usually wear your latex pretty snug we suggest that you order these Nitrile Gloves one size larger than you normally would. If you’re tired of your Purple Nitrile Gloves, allergic to latex or just want to use your oil-based lube while wearing slimming black gloves for a change, we’ve found nothing better.

• Nitrile Black Dragon Gloves

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Erotic Paper Dolls

Who says you’re too old to play with dolls? If you fondly remember rainy days of cutting out paper dolls and dressing them (and undressing them) until the tabs fell off all the clothes, Erotic Paper Dolls might just bring up some good times. Five Italian artists have created the naughtiest book of paper dolls you’ve ever laid eyes on, with each artistic style, kink/ fetish, body type and even doll stand style very different from the next. From gas-mask hoods to bandage fetish to corsets to rubber dildo suits to riding outfits and everything in between, the world of a kinky paper doll is more diverse than we could have imagined.

• Erotic Paper Dolls

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American Bi

I’m always looking for good bisexual videos, so it was nice to discover American Bi, a blowjob video featuring hot girls and hot guys on their knees for other hot guys. (Well, presumably hot guys. Jean Val Jean appears as the suck-ee in two scenes, but they never show his face — the other scenes are more wide-angled.) This is not a sophisticated movie. The sets are pretty bare-bones, the plot is non-existent, and the scenes all follow a very tried-and-true formula, but variety isn’t the point of a movie like this. Blowjob videos generally have several variations on the same theme, and that’s exactly what their main audience is looking for — to have their particular sexual hot-button pushed over and over by different performers. If blowjobs are not your overriding favorite sexual act, you might find this one kind of repetitive. The basic set-up is this: a girl convinces her boyfriend to let another guy join in sucking his cock. Suck, spatter, rinse, and repeat, with only minor variations. Sometimes they’re doing it in a boxing ring! Or in a gym that looks suspiciously like some guy’s basement! Or they’re seducing their gardener (Riley Mason, looking as scrawny as a meth addict or a Calvin Klein model)! There’s one scene where both guys come on the beautiful Shy Love’s breasts! Which is a huge divergence from the other scenes, where the guy and the girl take a facial cumshot together.

The film is rather randomly hosted by Tory Lane and Park Wiley — probably the two most beautiful people in the movie, and each with a scene of their own, too. They set up each vignette and vamp a little for the camera, pretty pointlessly — it’s not a very long movie, so maybe they just wanted to bump up the running time? Tory and Park’s individual scenes are the best ones in the movie, though. Tory’s scene has her in a gym wearing insanely skimpy cut-off jean shorts and a radically altered t-shirt that doesn’t do a very good job of containing her breasts — it’s not plausible workout gear, but it’s total sexy cheesecake. And Park Wiley, who looks like a cute frat boy, has a very fun and playful scene in a boxing ring. So seeing them in between scenes isn’t exactly unpleasant.

If you dig blowjob videos and you’re bi or bi-curious (or a woman who likes seeing two guys get friendly), well, you’ve struck gold. And since the flick is subtitle “Volume 1,” you may be able to look forward to future installments in this particular niche.

• American Bi

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Coming Home

For those who look for a realistically-wide range of body types in their porn, you’re in luck with Coming Home, because this one runs the gamut from stocky dykes to middle-aged women to the more common petite tattooed hipsters. There are four scenes, each involving two women having sex at home, and there’s no pretense of plot, though the implication is that all the people involved are lovers of long standing, which is a nicely sweet touch — so much porn privileges novelty above all else, but there’s something to be said for getting it on with someone whose quirks and likes and dislikes you know well.

The first scene has Kathleen walking in on Everett as she emerges from the shower, and, let’s say, not giving her a chance to get dressed. Riding hard and putting away wet follow. These aren’t lipstick lesbians á la the L Word, these are unabashed dykes with body types you’ll never see in mainstream porn (and they fuck with more enthusiasm than you’ll usually see in mainstream porn, too). The next scene has tattooed, dark-haired, slender lovelies Anja and Eva getting together for a little morning glory, and it features some especially fine and vigorous strap-on fucking. The scene with Deborah and Shannon, two somewhat older women, is sweet and romantic — they light a candle and gaze at one another lovingly before disrobing and shagging with the eventual assistance of a variety of fun implements . . . though one of the women has a rather unfortunate hairstyle, like something your mom would have worn in the ’80s. The hottest scene, and the weirdest, is the Tinkerbell/Peter Pan scene, with a hot black femme covered in body glitter and wearing wings having her way with her pixieish, boyish partner — including swatting her ass with a magic wand, which was a pleasantly whimsical touch. (The strap-on fucking is nice here, too.) There’s a lot of great playfulness and energy in that scene, and it’s a good ending to the film.

There are a lot of toys here, which adds some nice variety to the scenes. In truth, I only found two of the scenes really hot, but all the performers gave it their all, and your favorites might well differ from mine. It’s heartening to see so much good indie lesbian porn lately, made with obvious love and care and attention, and Coming Home is a worthy addition to that emerging canon.

• Coming Home

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Caught in the Net: Superlatives

“Hottest [x] of [y]” lists abound, and for good reason — such lists satisfy the twin human desires to rank things and to ogle hotness. Herewith, a few lists:

AOL launched the second season of their “American’s Hottest Bartenders” contest back in July, and voting is apparently still open, though I’m not entirely clear on when the results will be announced (or if, perhaps, they have been announced already, and the website just hasn’t caught up?). But, hey, who cares about the results? Enjoy the journey, and don’t worry about the destination. Check out the very hot bartenders of both the male and female persuasions, complete with the names of the bars where they work, so you could, in theory, go tip the hotness in person. I’m sure nobody else has had that idea.

From the real world of drinking (and other sins of the flesh) to the virtual world: The Hottest Girls on MySpace. This is, shall we say, a highly personal and idiosyncratic list, and the commentary is a little on the passive-aggressive side at times, but, wow, that Paige really is pretty hot, isn’t she? No need to interrogate her motives. Just enjoy her willingness to share.

From Internet Famous to Actually Famous: The Top 10 Celebrity Boobs. (As ranked, funnily enough, by a gay male couple.) Some unusual choices: Reese Witherspoon. Amy Smart. Amanda Peet. Paris Hilton. A few of these I hadn’t seen before, which clearly means I should be watching more DVDs.

From gay men opining on the best boobs to gay women opining on the loveliest ladies: The Hot 100 List from lesbian site AfterEllen.com. Their list is, in itself, a response to lad rag Maxim’s “Hot 100 for 2007″ list, which enraged AfterEllen users by naming Lindsay Lohan the hottest woman e’er seen by human eyes. They crowned Leisha Hailey, who plays Alice on The L Word. (The top 5 has a couple of other actresses from that show, which means the program’s creators have an excellent sense of their core demographic. I confess, as a straight guy, I like the show, too, and not just for the boobies and girl-girl kissing.)

The best thing about these lists is all the conversation and debate and discussion they produce, don’t you think? Though the pictures of scantily or unclad gorgeous people is also pretty nice.

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