Comments on: On Jealousy http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305 Sponsored by Blowfish: Good Products for Great Sex. Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:12:52 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.0.7 by: Eclectic http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1900 Thu, 19 Jul 2007 03:39:59 +0000 http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1900 I dunno. Maybe it's just because I've never been in a non-poly relationship (my first SO had a preexisting OSO when we fell in love), but it doesn't occur to me to be insecure because of someone else. If they're monopolizing my SO, we'll have a discussion, but that's the same issue as work monopolizing my SO. I am entitled to know who I'm (indirectly) sharing body fluids with, and it's fun if we can all go out together, but two people want some private time sometimes, too. I dunno. Maybe it’s just because I’ve never been in a non-poly relationship (my first SO had a preexisting OSO when we fell in love), but it doesn’t occur to me to be insecure because of someone else. If they’re monopolizing my SO, we’ll have a discussion, but that’s the same issue as work monopolizing my SO.

I am entitled to know who I’m (indirectly) sharing body fluids with, and it’s fun if we can all go out together, but two people want some private time sometimes, too.

]]> by: C4bl3Fl4m3 http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1863 Mon, 16 Jul 2007 20:56:29 +0000 http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1863 I think you forgot a 4th kind of jealous: jealousy of your partner's future. Fear that they'll meet someone so much better than you and leave you. Now this may not be true jealousy, but in me, it's the same feeling that I get when I'm worried about their relationship (or lack thereof) in the present. I'm non-monogamous but it doesn't mean that I don't get jealous any more or less than other people. In some ways, I'm actually a very jealous person. (In other ways, I'm not jealous at all. It all depends on the individual other person/situation and the way we feel about each other.) But I recognize that my jealousy is MINE to deal with and not theirs. *I* have to own my own emotions and work through it, because, in the end, I don't have any right to tell them what they can do with their body just as they don't have any right to tell me what I can do with mine. Besides, using jealousy as a reason to be monogamous is using restriction of the body to stop a restriction on the heart. If the heart decides to fall out of love and/or in love with someone else, it will do that, regardless of if you're monogamous, non-monogamous or whatever. I think a lot of jealousy comes out of low self-esteem. At least, it does for me. When you're told all your life that there's something wrong with you by adults and peers alike, and you're shunned as the most horrible thing on earth by your peers, it's hard to feel that your partner won't find someone else to be better than you to be with and to leave you in the dust, you having been merely a holding place until something better came along. People say that they're too jealous to be non-monogamous. Well, radical non-monogamy is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'll ever do in the future. But I'm going to keep trying at it and going to keep going at it. Because I genuinely believe in it. I genuinely believe that my body is my own and your body is your own and that no one but ourselves has any right to tell us what we can and can not do with our bodies. I have an old activist button/badge from the 60s or 70s that says "I own my own body - but I share." I believe in that wholeheartedly. My body, my choice extends beyond abortion and adoption and birth control, and I don't understand why people don't seem to acknowledge that. Why you'll see a radical feminist fighting with hir boyfriend or girlfriend because zie looked at some girl/guy at a protest march. It doesn't make sense. My body, my choice applies to everything with my body. Reproduction, sex, love, relationships, the clothes I wear, even the food I eat. This is my body therefore I make all the choices for what happens to it. And that's why I'm non-monogamous, despite the fact that I get jealous and afraid even when no one else is there. I think you forgot a 4th kind of jealous: jealousy of your partner’s future. Fear that they’ll meet someone so much better than you and leave you. Now this may not be true jealousy, but in me, it’s the same feeling that I get when I’m worried about their relationship (or lack thereof) in the present. I’m non-monogamous but it doesn’t mean that I don’t get jealous any more or less than other people. In some ways, I’m actually a very jealous person. (In other ways, I’m not jealous at all. It all depends on the individual other person/situation and the way we feel about each other.) But I recognize that my jealousy is MINE to deal with and not theirs. *I* have to own my own emotions and work through it, because, in the end, I don’t have any right to tell them what they can do with their body just as they don’t have any right to tell me what I can do with mine. Besides, using jealousy as a reason to be monogamous is using restriction of the body to stop a restriction on the heart. If the heart decides to fall out of love and/or in love with someone else, it will do that, regardless of if you’re monogamous, non-monogamous or whatever.

I think a lot of jealousy comes out of low self-esteem. At least, it does for me. When you’re told all your life that there’s something wrong with you by adults and peers alike, and you’re shunned as the most horrible thing on earth by your peers, it’s hard to feel that your partner won’t find someone else to be better than you to be with and to leave you in the dust, you having been merely a holding place until something better came along.

People say that they’re too jealous to be non-monogamous. Well, radical non-monogamy is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I’ll ever do in the future. But I’m going to keep trying at it and going to keep going at it. Because I genuinely believe in it. I genuinely believe that my body is my own and your body is your own and that no one but ourselves has any right to tell us what we can and can not do with our bodies. I have an old activist button/badge from the 60s or 70s that says “I own my own body - but I share.” I believe in that wholeheartedly. My body, my choice extends beyond abortion and adoption and birth control, and I don’t understand why people don’t seem to acknowledge that. Why you’ll see a radical feminist fighting with hir boyfriend or girlfriend because zie looked at some girl/guy at a protest march. It doesn’t make sense.

My body, my choice applies to everything with my body. Reproduction, sex, love, relationships, the clothes I wear, even the food I eat. This is my body therefore I make all the choices for what happens to it. And that’s why I’m non-monogamous, despite the fact that I get jealous and afraid even when no one else is there.

]]> by: Gretchen http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1827 Sun, 15 Jul 2007 03:25:13 +0000 http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1827 Oh, and can I just say, holy shit! Nina Hartley--the real Nina Hartley!--left a comment! [blush] Hi, Nina! [bigger blush] Oh, and can I just say, holy shit! Nina Hartley–the real Nina Hartley!–left a comment! [blush] Hi, Nina! [bigger blush]

]]> by: Gretchen http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1826 Sun, 15 Jul 2007 03:23:27 +0000 http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1826 I totally agree, Greta. Being bisexual, I'm of the opinion that, when someone I'm dating has an "ooh, looky there!" moment, the best response would be, "ooh, yeah, think we can bring her home??" Because, ultimately, being attracted to someone else, and thinking about having sex with that person, is a fantasy. The reality comes when you see that person's sopping wet undergarments hanging from the shower rod, which, for many people (I'm sure there are some who would disagree), is not a huge part of any sexual fantasy. Just my two cents! :-D I totally agree, Greta. Being bisexual, I’m of the opinion that, when someone I’m dating has an “ooh, looky there!” moment, the best response would be, “ooh, yeah, think we can bring her home??” Because, ultimately, being attracted to someone else, and thinking about having sex with that person, is a fantasy. The reality comes when you see that person’s sopping wet undergarments hanging from the shower rod, which, for many people (I’m sure there are some who would disagree), is not a huge part of any sexual fantasy.

Just my two cents! :-D

]]> by: nina hartley http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1819 Sat, 14 Jul 2007 18:30:11 +0000 http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/on-jealousy/305#comment-1819 Wonderful post, Greta! In my experience as a non-monogamous person, jealousy is a posionous emotion. First it poisons the mind of the person experiencing it, and then it poisons the relatiohship. If a partner is not violting any agreements, I feel jealousy is almost completely about the individual's own insecrity and has little, or nothing, to do with the other person. It's a childish emotion: "I'm uncomfortable. What are YOU going to do about it?" I had to heal my own jealousy in order to live the open life of which I dreamed. So, I know it's possible to "get over" being a jealous person, but one must really want to do so, as the work is painful and difficult. Obviously, to be non-monogamous, one must heal one's jealousy, but it's equally important to do so when one is monogamous, since jealousy gets in the way of interacting with one's partner in a loving an compassionate manner. Great stuff! Wonderful post, Greta! In my experience as a non-monogamous person, jealousy is a posionous emotion. First it poisons the mind of the person experiencing it, and then it poisons the relatiohship. If a partner is not violting any agreements, I feel jealousy is almost completely about the individual’s own insecrity and has little, or nothing, to do with the other person. It’s a childish emotion: “I’m uncomfortable. What are YOU going to do about it?”
I had to heal my own jealousy in order to live the open life of which I dreamed. So, I know it’s possible to “get over” being a jealous person, but one must really want to do so, as the work is painful and difficult. Obviously, to be non-monogamous, one must heal one’s jealousy, but it’s equally important to do so when one is monogamous, since jealousy gets in the way of interacting with one’s partner in a loving an compassionate manner.
Great stuff!

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