On Jealousy
It’s a little odd to be writing about this. I’m not naturally a very jealous person: I’ve had moments, but to some extent I’m writing this from an outsider’s perspective.
An outsider’s perspective can be useful, though. With jealousy in particular. When you’re in its throes, jealousy is a uniquely difficult emotion to have a rational perspective on.
So in my “used to experience it a fair amount, still get twinges occasionally, but mostly seeing how it affects others” perspective, I’ve broken sexual and romantic jealousy into three basic categories. (I’m setting aside for now the accurate, justified, “your partner is in fact screwing around behind your back/ without your consent/ in violation of your non-monogamy agreement” variety. I’m trying to get at jealousy over feelings and desires, not over actual broken promises and threats to the relationship. Although it’s important to note that these aren’t the same, as it can be easy to confuse them.)
First: There’s the jealousy you get when your partner genuinely wants to screw someone else. They’re not planning to do it, mind you, but they’re pretty attracted to a specific other person or people, for a sustained period.
This, I understand. I don’t experience it much myself, but I get twinges, and I understand it. If your partner is sincerely yearning to do someone else, it can feel like a threat — what if they leave me for him/her? It can make you feel insecure, not just about the relationship but about yourself — what does that person have that I don’t? And it can just be hurtful, make you feel unwanted and left out. It’s not the most useful emotion in the world — if you’re with someone for long enough this is going to happen, and I think it’s a mistake to treat it as a crisis — but the emotion isn’t unreasonable.
Second: There’s the jealousy you get when your partner is attracted to other people. Not in an intense, “Every time I see this particular person I’m dying to fuck them” way, but in a casually swivel-headed, “Hey, you’re kinda cute” way.
It can be easy to confuse this with the first kind. But I think it’s vitally important to the health of a relationship to understand: these are not the same. And while the first kind of jealousy is reasonable (if not especially helpful), I think the second kind really isn’t.
If your partner is casually attracted to other people, it doesn’t mean they have a serious desire to screw around on you. It just means that they’re, you know, alive. Human beings are animals, and a healthy human being with a healthy sexual appetite is going to get a hard cock/ wet pussy when they’re around other human beings who look like hot stuff.
In fact, I would argue that trying to shut down your sexual attraction to other people is a first-class way to shut down your sexuality altogether. Which, for obvious reasons, is a bad idea. “I only have eyes for you” is a pretty dream, but it’s not a reasonable expectation in real life.
And you know what? Not everyone you’re attracted to is someone you really want to fuck. For me, this realization was one of the main benefits of non-monogamy. When I was in monogamous relationships, it was a major source of deprivation and angst every time I got the bad hots for someone else. Now that I’m non-monogamous, I realize I don’t actually want to fuck every person I get the hots for. Some people are cute but crazy; some people become less interesting once you get to know them; and sometimes I just don’t have time and energy for an extracurricular fling. Non-monogamy has paradoxically made my attraction to other people a much less big deal.
So Important Observation #1: If your partner gets passing fancies for other people, it doesn’t mean they’re deeply pining to screw around. It just means they’re alive and healthy and sexual. Think about all the people you’ve had passing fancies for. Did you seriously want to chase them down, to the point where you’d break your promises to your sweetie? If not, then I respectfully suggest that you chill.
Third and last, we have jealousy of people in your partner’s past. Plenty of people get angry or hurt when their partner talks about their exes, even in casual conversation. And plenty more don’t want their partners to have any contact with their exes, much less stay friends with them.
And this, I think, is the most unreasonable jealousy of all.
To be fair, my partner’s exes are about the last people on the planet she’d have sex with now. Even if I were monogamous and jealous, I’d still be entirely unconcerned about her exes. Ditto for her with mine.
But I realize that’s not true for everyone. Some people do still hold a glint in their eye for an ex or two.
So much more to the point:
What did you expect?
Of course your partner has exes. If you’re grownups, if you’re not teenagers and virgins, your partner is going to have exes. Probably a fair few.
And your partner’s exes are part of what makes them who they are, the person you love. Expecting them to not talk or think about their exes is like expecting them to not talk or think about their old jobs, their old schools, the places they used to live. It’s asking them to cut off a major part of their history and what shaped their character.
And you know, if they can get over past hurts enough to be friends with their exes, that’s not a threat to you. It’s a sign of sanity and strength. Not something you want to squelch.
In a way, I get it. This kind of jealousy can easily overlap with the first — your partner did have sex with this other person, it’s not wildly improbable to think they might want to again. But if you don’t want to live in Victorian England, if you want to be a sane grownup in a modern relationship, you need to accept that your partner has sexual attractions to, and a sexual history with, other people. If you don’t, you’re asking them to cut off a huge part of their sexuality — from you, and from themselves.
This entry was posted on Thursday, 12 July 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Saturday, 14 July 2007 at 11:30 am nina hartley wrote:
Wonderful post, Greta! In my experience as a non-monogamous person, jealousy is a posionous emotion. First it poisons the mind of the person experiencing it, and then it poisons the relatiohship. If a partner is not violting any agreements, I feel jealousy is almost completely about the individual’s own insecrity and has little, or nothing, to do with the other person. It’s a childish emotion: “I’m uncomfortable. What are YOU going to do about it?”
I had to heal my own jealousy in order to live the open life of which I dreamed. So, I know it’s possible to “get over” being a jealous person, but one must really want to do so, as the work is painful and difficult. Obviously, to be non-monogamous, one must heal one’s jealousy, but it’s equally important to do so when one is monogamous, since jealousy gets in the way of interacting with one’s partner in a loving an compassionate manner.
Great stuff!
on Saturday, 14 July 2007 at 8:23 pm Gretchen wrote:
I totally agree, Greta. Being bisexual, I’m of the opinion that, when someone I’m dating has an “ooh, looky there!” moment, the best response would be, “ooh, yeah, think we can bring her home??” Because, ultimately, being attracted to someone else, and thinking about having sex with that person, is a fantasy. The reality comes when you see that person’s sopping wet undergarments hanging from the shower rod, which, for many people (I’m sure there are some who would disagree), is not a huge part of any sexual fantasy.
Just my two cents! :-D
on Saturday, 14 July 2007 at 8:25 pm Gretchen wrote:
Oh, and can I just say, holy shit! Nina Hartley–the real Nina Hartley!–left a comment! [blush] Hi, Nina! [bigger blush]
on Monday, 16 July 2007 at 1:56 pm C4bl3Fl4m3 wrote:
I think you forgot a 4th kind of jealous: jealousy of your partner’s future. Fear that they’ll meet someone so much better than you and leave you. Now this may not be true jealousy, but in me, it’s the same feeling that I get when I’m worried about their relationship (or lack thereof) in the present. I’m non-monogamous but it doesn’t mean that I don’t get jealous any more or less than other people. In some ways, I’m actually a very jealous person. (In other ways, I’m not jealous at all. It all depends on the individual other person/situation and the way we feel about each other.) But I recognize that my jealousy is MINE to deal with and not theirs. *I* have to own my own emotions and work through it, because, in the end, I don’t have any right to tell them what they can do with their body just as they don’t have any right to tell me what I can do with mine. Besides, using jealousy as a reason to be monogamous is using restriction of the body to stop a restriction on the heart. If the heart decides to fall out of love and/or in love with someone else, it will do that, regardless of if you’re monogamous, non-monogamous or whatever.
I think a lot of jealousy comes out of low self-esteem. At least, it does for me. When you’re told all your life that there’s something wrong with you by adults and peers alike, and you’re shunned as the most horrible thing on earth by your peers, it’s hard to feel that your partner won’t find someone else to be better than you to be with and to leave you in the dust, you having been merely a holding place until something better came along.
People say that they’re too jealous to be non-monogamous. Well, radical non-monogamy is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I’ll ever do in the future. But I’m going to keep trying at it and going to keep going at it. Because I genuinely believe in it. I genuinely believe that my body is my own and your body is your own and that no one but ourselves has any right to tell us what we can and can not do with our bodies. I have an old activist button/badge from the 60s or 70s that says “I own my own body - but I share.” I believe in that wholeheartedly. My body, my choice extends beyond abortion and adoption and birth control, and I don’t understand why people don’t seem to acknowledge that. Why you’ll see a radical feminist fighting with hir boyfriend or girlfriend because zie looked at some girl/guy at a protest march. It doesn’t make sense.
My body, my choice applies to everything with my body. Reproduction, sex, love, relationships, the clothes I wear, even the food I eat. This is my body therefore I make all the choices for what happens to it. And that’s why I’m non-monogamous, despite the fact that I get jealous and afraid even when no one else is there.
on Wednesday, 18 July 2007 at 8:39 pm Eclectic wrote:
I dunno. Maybe it’s just because I’ve never been in a non-poly relationship (my first SO had a preexisting OSO when we fell in love), but it doesn’t occur to me to be insecure because of someone else. If they’re monopolizing my SO, we’ll have a discussion, but that’s the same issue as work monopolizing my SO.
I am entitled to know who I’m (indirectly) sharing body fluids with, and it’s fun if we can all go out together, but two people want some private time sometimes, too.