The Blowfish Blog

How Can You Choose Just One? Bisexuality, Blonds, and Monogamy

There’s an odd assumption that often gets made about bisexuals. (It got repeated recently in a letter to Savage Love — third letter from the top — which reminded me that I’ve been wanting to write about it.) The assumption: Bisexuals are constitutionally incapable of being monogamous.

The logic goes something like this:

Bisexuals are sexually attracted to both women and men.

Bisexuals enjoy sex with both women and men.

Therefore, bisexuals are unwilling — even unable — to give up sex with one of those genders. We must have sexual access to both women and men at all times in our lives. Without both, we’ll be dissatisfied, restless . . . and eventually, we’ll be tempted to stray. We’re attracted to both women and men — how could we choose just one, forever?

Here’s an analogy, to show exactly where this logic goes wrong.

Say you’re heterosexual. Or homosexual. Whichever. You’re attracted entirely, or almost entirely, to people of one gender — women, or men, but not both.

But you’re still attracted to both blonds and brunettes.

Does that make you constitutionally incapable of being monogamous?

Of course not. The fact that you still get the hots for brunettes doesn’t make you incapable of being monogamous with your blond partner. Getting involved with a blond doesn’t make you yearn inconsolably for the lack of brunettes in your sex life. Yes, you’re still attracted to both blonds and brunettes . . . and yet you’re capable of being monogamous with a blond, and foregoing sex with brunettes. Maybe for the rest of your life.

So why should bisexuals be incapable of foregoing sex with women — or men — for the rest of our lives?

Now, you can argue that this is a flawed analogy. You can argue that the differences between women and men are more profound, more fundamental, than the differences between blonds and brunettes. And because of those profound differences, the desire for one can never be satisfied in a relationship with the other. A bisexual involved with a man will always yearn for that missing female energy — and vice versa — in a way that someone involved with a blond isn’t going to yearn for brunette energy.

I’m not sure I’d agree about men and women being so profoundly different. But for the sake of argument, let’s say it’s true.

And let’s try some different analogies.

Let’s say you’re attracted to both Americans and Eastern Europeans. To cultured intellectuals and raucous party animals. To artists and cops. To people in their twenties and people in their forties.

Those are some profound differences. Arguably every bit as profound as the differences between women and men; possibly even more so. (Personally, I feel like I have way more in common with men my own age than I do with women a generation younger. With exceptions, of course . . . but as a general rule, I find the gender gap much easier to bridge than the generational one.)

Does that mean you could never be monogamous with an intellectual Eastern European artist in their forties? Would you constantly be filled with an impossible yearning for that American energy, that cop energy, that party animal energy, that twenty-something energy?

If not, then why should bisexuals be any different?

And if so, then what makes bisexuals a special case?

Now, there are some bisexuals for whom this assumption is true. I won’t deny that. I have known bi folks in long-term relationships who get hungry for whichever gender they’re not involved with; who even make a conscious effort to seek out women, or men, whichever they’re not getting. (Those folks have generally been smart enough to get into non-monogamous relationships.)

But I’ve known straight and gay people who do that, too. Not with gender, obviously; but with other things. I’ve known people with stable, solid partners who’ve sought out someone more lively and dramatic. People with serious, intense partners who’ve gone after someone lighter and easier. People in vanilla relationships who’ve gone looking for kink. And we’ve all known people who’ve strayed from their middle-aged partners to chase after sprightly young things.

For that matter, I’ve known bisexuals involved with, say, men, who are totally angst-ridden about all the other cock that they’re not getting . . . and totally nonchalant about their lack of pussy. Even for bisexuals who find monogamy difficult or undesirable, gender isn’t always the central driving issue.

Monogamy means making a choice. It means giving up a lot of involvements that you might have wanted, in order to focus on one involvement that you want more. Heck, a serious non-monogamous relationship usually means that, too. But there’s nothing special about bisexuality that makes that choice any more difficult.

Greta Christina, copyright © 2008. Be sure to check out Greta’s blog.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, 3 January 2008 at 12:00 am and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.