[Greta Christina] The Plausible Fantasy
Does anybody else do this?
There’s this thing that I do sexually. It’s kind of funny, but it’s also kind of irritating, and at times it drives me nuts. So I’m wondering if anyone else does it . . . and if so, how they deal with it.
It’s this:
I seem to be incapable of having sex fantasies that are implausible.
I’m not talking about supernatural or sci-fi sex fantasies and my general disinterest therein. I’m talking about perfectly ordinary, non-fantastical, physically possible sex fantasies . . . in which people simply don’t act the way they would in real life.
Examples. If I’m trying to have a fantasy about having sex with a famous person, I first have to come up with a backstory: not only about how we met, but about why, among all the people in the world who are probably throwing themselves at this person, they would pick me. (That’s probably why my “famous person” fantasies tend to be about only moderately famous people rather than global superstars. Supporting actors on cult TV shows; obscure alternative musicians; big fish in small ponds. Alyson Hannigan, yes. Madonna, no.)
If I’m trying to have a fantasy about someone I know, and in real life that someone is in a monogamous relationship, I first have to come up with an excuse for why it’s ethically okay. The couple is experimenting with non-monogamy, or the other partner is watching, or they’ve given their blessing as a one-time birthday dispensation, or something.
If I’m trying to have a fantasy about having kinky sex in the bathroom of a particular cafe, I first have to come up with some explanation for why the other cafe patrons aren’t getting irritated at us for hogging the bathroom.
That’s actually the one that’s been bugging me lately, the one that inspired me to write this piece. There’s a lovely new kink-themed cafe in San Francisco, Wicked Grounds, with a lovely bathroom very suitable for a kinky tryst. So I was having a fantasy about meeting someone at the cafe to negotiate a scene, and spontaneously deciding to go do it right then and there in the bathroom. But because this bathroom is the only one in the cafe, and having sex there for more than five minutes would definitely constitute hogging it, the fantasy got totally bogged down in this stupid detail. I finally had to switch it to a fantasy where we ask a cafe worker if we can play in their storage room. (And she says yes, of course . . . but only if she can watch. Which is a perfectly wonderful fantasy. But it’s not the same as the fantasy about getting spanked in the cafe bathroom. I still have not successfully had the fantasy about getting spanked in the cafe bathroom.)
And even when I do have supernatural sex fantasies — as with my surprisingly persistent Snape fantasies — I still have a need for something resembling plausibility. I don’t much care that magic isn’t real; I don’t even care that my fantasies are wildly inconsistent with the canonical storyline. But I do care if my fantasies aren’t internally consistent: either with the core personality of the character in the books, or with themselves. As the religious apologist Karen Armstrong might say, I don’t need the story to be literally true . . . but I need it to be psychologically true.
And if it’s not psychologically true? If I can’t convince myself that my friend’s partner would really give their blessing to our one-time birthday tryst? If I can’t convince myself that Alyson Hannigan would really stumble across my blog, become a fan, introduce herself at a reading, and ask me to be the customer in her long-time prostitute fantasy? If I can’t convince myself that nobody in the Wicked Grounds cafe is going to need the bathroom for the entire forty-five minutes that my date and I are hogging it?
Then I can’t have the fantasy.
Really.
I have to switch gears. I have to find a plausible twist on this one, or else switch to a different fantasy entirely. Otherwise, I’ll spend my entire whack-off session in my head instead of my clit: tinkering with my story, finding holes in it, editing it and re-editing it, and eventually either abandoning it or having a puny, detached, not terribly satisfying orgasm.
I’m even like this in my sex dreams. More than once, I’ve had dreams in which I almost have sex with someone I shouldn’t . . . but we decide it’s a bad idea, and don’t. (And then I wake up, totally frustrated with myself, going, “It was a dream! Nobody would have gotten hurt! I could have done it, and enjoyed it, and not had any reason to feel guilty!”)
Now, the plus side of this ridiculous habit is that, IMO, it’s one of the main reasons I write good porn. (Assuming you agree that my porn is good.) My bone-deep reflex to come up with plausible sex fantasies, sex fantasies with rich, complex characters and believable backstories . . . this carries over to the fantasies I decide are interesting enough to flesh out in print.
But I still have to wonder:
What the fuck?
They’re fantasies, for fuck’s sake. The whole point of fantasies is that they’re not real, and don’t have to be. The whole point of fantasies is that they’re for my enjoyment, in the entirely consensual privacy of my own head. That’s the whole point of having a fantasy about getting spanked in the cafe bathroom, instead of actually doing something. And if I enjoy thinking about getting spanked in the cafe bathroom, then I should be able to enjoy thinking about getting spanked in the cafe bathroom . . . without worrying about whether actually getting spanked in the cafe bathroom would be an unacceptable breach of cafe etiquette.
But that’s just the point. Fantasies are for my enjoyment . . . and if they’re not plausible, I don’t enjoy them. If they’re not plausible, I can’t get lost in them. I can’t get immersed in them to the point where they feel real. With a good fantasy, once I’ve built the foundation, once I’ve sketched out the characters and the situation and the backstory, I can forget about it, and just play the images in my head. And the richer and more real the characters/ situation/ backstory are, the more deeply and thoroughly I can savor those images. If there’s no plausibility, that immersion just doesn’t happen.
So again, I’m wondering:
Does anyone else do this?
And if so, how do you deal with it?
This entry was posted on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 11:25 am and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 11:52 am Psychokitty wrote:
Well just give you a bit more plausibility, I’m sure if you timed it right you could get away with using the cafe bathroom to get spanked and stuff once we start closing for the night and its not needed for a good 45 minutes or so… as long as we can watch.
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 4:25 pm FantasizingGuy wrote:
Actually, I have the same problem. The basic fantasy is that I look like Michelle Trachtenberg and my girlfriend looks like Alyson Michalka. It’s always those two. I know it is completely unreal because they neither know each other nor are they lesbians. And I’m male (and straight). But I have this fantasy all the time. We are in high school or college or the military, etc, etc - and I spend most of the time ruminating over the exact details. I even look things up on the internet if I don’t know them. e.g. if it is set in a college town, I’ll find out the town layout, info about the school, apartment names. If it’s the military, I’ll brush up on the latest news on “don’t ask don’t tell” and I’ve actually gone so far as to look up the uniform regulations for the service in the fantasy. This is so I can be accurate. Until I read your post, I didn’t even realize that I spent so much energy on this facet. To just “make up” background info would be, well, unthinkable. I know I wouldn’t enjoy them if I didn’t make them accurate. For me, it is part of the fantasy; It isn’t just the “story” but the back-story, too.
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 4:32 pm Ola wrote:
I could’ve written this! Well, okay, I couldn’t have, ’cause I can’t write so well, but you know what I mean… :-)
I do all the things you described — making elaborate stories about how some famous person and I could have it (and spending much more time on the backstory than on the sex itself), desperately trying to make up excuses for doing someone in a monogamous relationship (and being unable to enjoy the fantasy if the excuse is not found) - even having dreams where I can do the wrong thing, but I don’t… not even in the dream. And I even wondered many times, as you did — what the fuck?!
How do I deal with this?
I just accept it, and try to make lemonade out of lemons.
And sometimes, adding a layer of detachment helps a lot. For example, there are things that I wouldn’t do, because I’m nice and good. But… a person who is not nice and good might do these bad things and enjoy them. And I — I can be the omniscient observer :-) Not present as a character in my own fantasy, but knowing the thoughts and feelings of everyone involved. This works great for me.
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 4:47 pm Lex wrote:
Heh! Now that you mention it, I do that as well. My first thought is that it has to do with a quest for excellence that is probably a theme in the other parts of your creative life.
How does it go about the creative process? Lots of down time, punctuated by periods of intense activity. Anyone who creates knows that during the “down time” we are turning it over and over in our head until it’s just right.
On the other hand, if I am ever going to get to fuck that hunky, straight construction worker, I want to have a well thought out plan if the pieces ever start falling into place.
Lex
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 6:38 pm yb wrote:
I have this same problem, actually. And it extends to being *really* nitpicky about the same type of stuff in movies and TV shows when it would be a lot nicer to be able to sit back, relax about them, and enjoy whatever I’m watching. Haven’t come up with any solutions yet.
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 6:53 pm jo wrote:
I am also very much like this. I think it’s related to my tendency to make up stories in general, and also the fact that the psychological component of sex is very central for me. It’s never bothered me though… more of a point of a pride I’d say…
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 7:26 pm jemand wrote:
http://xkcd.com/429/
Comic on this exact same thing! I love xkcd.
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 7:27 pm jemand wrote:
Oh, I forgot to mention, you really have to read the mouse over on that one too.
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 7:30 pm Rob wrote:
I was gonna say that same thing, Psychokitty. There’s lots of possibilities that can come from two people being the last customers left in the cafe as it’s closing for the night :)
on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 9:56 pm RB wrote:
I have a weird related issue: I can’t comfortably fantasize about anyone I know unless I’m certain they wouldn’t mind. So the guy who fancies me? Sure. One of my friends who I’ve fancied forever? Nope.
Nothing to do with plausibility, but it just feels odd. Perhaps I only need to come up with a scenario in which they wouldn’t mind.
on Thursday, 29 October 2009 at 1:14 am Paul Crowley wrote:
Same here, but I’m not sure I see it as a down side; I think it’s part of the joy of having a detailed, well-worked-out fantasy. I’ve worked out the detail of the bondage in some of my fantasies to a truly obsessive extent - even things like the quick-release safety features, since if the fantasy top is an SMmer the safety has to be worked out if they’re to carry on. I think there’s tremendous satisfaction to be had in ironing out all that stuff, so you can get into it without it niggling at you.
Shame about the dreams though. Morpheus is terribly unfair.
on Thursday, 29 October 2009 at 7:27 am Thomas wrote:
I do, in fact, have a lot of sci fi/fantasy fantasies. And I have the same problem. I always assumed it was just because I’m a writer, but I spend a lot of time empathetically mapping the feelings of the other characters. I have one fantasy where i’m god-king of a nation of elves, and for god’s sake I can’t have the fantasy without involving a preamble of courtship to justify that whoever the subject is doesn’t resent me for the sex. (the way I figure I couldn’t just ask them because they’d feel obligated to agree.)
on Thursday, 29 October 2009 at 10:25 am jemand wrote:
Sorta in general reference to fantasies, I often wonder if it’s possible that a sufficiently advanced intelligence could accommodate rudimentary consciousness in the beings it conjures up in it’s imaginations. But knowing how oddly uncontrollable my imaginations and fantasies are I feel kind of bad, because I don’t know how “sufficiently advanced” is sufficiently enough, and while I’m not having conscious terrified figments running around my imagination it kinda feels unfair I’m morally allowed to fantasize but someone with way more brain power who hasn’t quite evolved yet wouldn’t morally be able to fantasize about the stuff I do.
on Thursday, 29 October 2009 at 2:38 pm Jaynie wrote:
I definitly do this too — and not just with sex fantasies. I’m a) a big nerd and b) a compulsive daydreamer, but I can’t just make up any old story on the fly for a science fiction universe. I have to come up with a plausible, canonically accurate version of events, and I spend hours tinkering with the details trying to get things to make sense. I had to figure out how Time Lords (a la Doctor Who) could possibly have evolved, how a twin-sun solar system would work, how any time travelling device could be infinintly big on the inside with a small surface area, etc. before I could even entertain the (admittedly childish, OK) daydream of being one. I have spent ages making up the laws of science for the most completely unscientific things. I get really stuck on them. Give me a whole day to daydream up a story (or a sex fantasy or whatever) and I will probably spend 23 hours tinkering with the laws of physics, social mores, and the basic premise.
Still, it can be kind of fun, in a nerdy sort of way.
on Friday, 30 October 2009 at 2:48 pm Bonne Vie - Wholestyle on the Web: Week of 10/30/09 wrote:
[…] Blowfish Blog: The Plausible Fantasy […]
on Friday, 30 October 2009 at 3:59 pm Cand86 wrote:
Ha, I do this in my dreams, too. So many near-sexin’s that don’t happen and I wake up cursing my brain. I think my fantasies are too fragmented, though, to suffer from an implausible storyline. I guess they’re more like little flashes of one thing or another, all jumbled together.
Jen Kirkman totally suffers from the plausibility in fantasies thing, though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCysQms5DpI
on Friday, 30 October 2009 at 10:47 pm BeccaTheCyborg wrote:
What could have been a mindblowing sex dream involving a very unconventional mermaid ended up going nowhere because as she could not speak any language I knew, I did not feel comfortable communicating clear consent with her, so I kind of feel your annoyance there.
on Saturday, 31 October 2009 at 7:22 pm Melinski wrote:
I was astounded to find Christina’s blog, and then to find so many who said “Me, too!”
Me, too.
My fantasies are about being coerced, but not physically. A man is telling me to do naughty things, and I have to or else. So then I have to work out why. The back story has to be right, or it just doesn’t work. I’m in some sort of peasant serf society and my father owes a debt so I’m given to the lord of the manor to pay the debt, and if I don’t obey my family will pay - but then I have to work out what exactly will pay the debt, or how long, and what I’m wearing, and what happens to my family if I don’t, etc. It’s annoying. Why can’t I just think of something that turns me on and get turned on? Sometimes I just want to get off, not write a novella.
So I have a few stories that are adequate, and I think, “OK - THAT one,” and go from there. They are all getting stale, though, and it’s hard to come up with one that has the right balance of coercion but not violence that makes sense and gets me going.
And thank you, Christina, for blogging about this - I really didn’t think anyone else did this!
on Sunday, 31 January 2010 at 9:20 am Implausible Fantasies - ErosBlog: The Sex Blog wrote:
[…] In a repost this week of a post that originally appeared on Blowfish Blog, Greta Christina made an unusual confession: I seem to be incapable of having sex fantasies that are implausible. […]