[Greta Christina] Porn, Relationships, and What It’s Reasonable to Ask For
When you’re beginning a relationship, is it reasonable to ask your partner not to watch porn?
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column here about porn. I was writing in response to an advice column by Scarleteen, an answer to a letter from a young woman who was upset because her boyfriend watched porn. I posed the question, “In a monogamous relationship, is it reasonable to expect your partner not to watch porn?” And I concluded that it was not. I concluded that people have the right to watch whatever they want when they’re by themselves and on their own time, and that asking a partner not to watch porn is no more defensible then asking them not to watch reality TV or read true crime. I concluded that trying to regulate your partner’s private cultural pleasures — pornographic or otherwise — is like trying to regulate their imagination.
But some readers thought I’d misread Scarleteen’s advice. They said Scarleteen’s point wasn’t that people have the right to ask their existing partners not to watch porn . . . but rather that if someone objects to porn, they should spell that out at the beginning of a relationship. And on re-reading the Scarleteen column, I think they’re right. In my defense, the situation I was writing about was, in fact, the situation described in the letter — dealing with an existing partner who watched porn, and trying to decide what to say to them. But I do think I misread Scarleteen’s intention in their response, and for that, I apologize.
So now I’m going to address the position Scarleteen took: that people who object to porn and are beginning to date someone should spell out their position early, and should state clearly that they don’t want to be involved with someone who watches it.
And I’m basically going to stand by my original position.
Which is that this is an unreasonable, overly controlling thing for an adult to ask another adult. It’s somewhat less unreasonable than asking it of a partner you’re already involved with, someone who’s already gotten emotionally invested in your relationship before you dropped your “It’s me or the porn” ultimatum. But I still think this is seriously pushing the line between “reasonable negotiation of desires and limits in a relationship,” and “controlling attempt to regulate not only your partner’s behavior, but their imagination.”
Here’s why.
Like I did in the previous column, I’m going to take this question out of an erotic context, to give it some perspective. (I am, however, going to keep it gendered for the moment, since much of the previous conversation was about gender and sexism.)
Let’s say a single straight woman has objections to televised sports. She thinks they’re immoral, or politically objectionable, or she simply finds them upsetting. (Which some women do — as do some men.) And let’s say she tells all her potential partners, “I just don’t want to be involved with someone who watches sports. Ever. Even when I’m not around. Even on their own time. Even if it’s just when they’re hanging around with their friends. If we’re going to get involved, you have to be someone who doesn’t like watching sports on TV, and you have to promise never to do so.”
Would that be a reasonable thing to ask?
I would argue No.
And I’d argue it pretty darned strongly.
At my most sympathetic and calm, my response to that would be, “You should know that an awful lot of men watch sports on TV. And plenty of those men don’t fit the stereotype of the sports-obsessed Neanderthal. You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about what kind of man likes to watch sports on TV, and whether those men could share your basic values — assumptions that really aren’t warranted. If you’re going to rule out all men who ever like to watch sports on TV, you’re going to limit yourself to a very small dating pool indeed . . . without a very strong or reality-based reason for doing so. You might want to rethink this. You might want to look more carefully at why you feel so strongly about sports — and at whether there might be a better way to handle those feelings than refusing to be involved with anyone who enjoys them.”
If I were feeling less sympathetic and calm, my response would be, “Are you out of your mind? What difference does it make what your partner watches on TV when you’re not around? How is that any of your business? Again — you seem to be making a lot of assumptions about what kind of man likes to watch sports on TV . . . assumptions that really aren’t warranted. What on earth makes you think that’s a reasonable thing for one adult to ask another?”
And frankly, if I were dating that woman, I’d end things as soon as I could after that conversation — even if I didn’t like sports. I’d see it as a huge red flag that she had a very controlling side of her. I’d see it as a huge red flag that she was a seriously insecure person — one who dealt with her insecurities by expecting her partner to tiptoe around them. I’d be out the door as fast as I could — even if I never planned to watch another sporting event in my life.
Why should porn be different?
If watching porn didn’t carry the stigma that it does — if any and all pursuits of sexual pleasure didn’t carry the stigma that they do — would we see these two situations as any different? If it weren’t the case that sports are a generally accepted cultural activity and porn is emphatically not, would we even be having this conversation? If there weren’t a stigma around porn, would anyone seriously consider asking their partner never to watch it . . . and if there weren’t shame around porn, would anyone who was asked not to watch it take the request seriously?
Now. To be fair, it’s certainly true that in relationships, we get a few “I know I’m being irrational, but I feel strongly about this, so can you please just humor me?” free passes. I think we do, anyway. But when we ask for those free passes, I think we need to acknowledge that that’s what we’re doing. I think we need to acknowledge that we’re asking for something unreasonable, above and beyond the call of duty — and not act as if we have the moral high ground.
And we need to recognize that not everyone is going to say Yes. We need to recognize that a lot of smart, thoughtful, decent people are going to turn us down. Especially when the activity we’re asking our partners to forgo is something that’s both ridiculously common and generally harmless.
Like watching sports on TV.
Or watching porn.
Does my hypothetical woman have the right to ask her potential partners not to watch sports on TV, even when she’s not around? Sure, she has the right to ask. We have the right to ask for pretty much anything. We have the right to ask our potential relationship partners to not smoke, to tie us up on a semi- regular basis, to take Argentine tango lessons, to watch the entire DVD set of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” in a one-weekend marathon, to wear polka dotted underwear every Friday without fail.
But does that make it a reasonable thing to ask?
Is “don’t ever watch sports on TV, even when I’m not around” a reasonable thing for one adult to ask of another? Is it reasonable to expect that people will say Yes? Is it reasonable to expect people to even take this request seriously?
I don’t think so.
There are lots of things that we have the right to do, which are still not right or reasonable for us to do. We tend to make that mistake a lot: the mistake of thinking that because we have the right to do something, we should therefore just charge on in and do it. It’s not clear thinking. We have the right to scream bigoted epithets on the street corner, too. That doesn’t make it right or reasonable to do it.
Now.
I will qualify all this by adding: If someone is very firm in their anti-porn position — if they’ve thought it through carefully after being exposed to many sides of the debate about it, and their feelings against it are still as strong as ever — then yes, they should warn their partners up front that this is the case. I don’t think it’s a reasonable thing for them to ask . . . but reasonable or not, if it’s a dealbreaker for them, then by all means, they should ask it. If I were dating someone who felt this way, I sure as hell would want to be warned upfront, before I’d invested a lot of time and emotional energy in the relationship. I’d want to run screaming sooner rather than later.
But here’s the thing. In this particular letter, in the letter to Scarleteen that started this whole conversation, I did not get that impression at all. Nothing about this letter gave me the impression that it was from a confirmed, hard-core anti-porn feminist who was familiar with feminist arguments in favor of porn and had rejected them. Everything about it seemed to be from a young person who was upset by porn, and who ascribed much her of her upset to the supposed sexism of porn . . . without ever really thinking about it carefully, and without ever being exposed to feminism that enjoys and supports porn. (Scarleteen seems to have gotten the same impression, since they made sure to tell her that being anti-porn wasn’t the only way to be feminist, and they provided links to a wide variety of feminist writings on porn.)
So my advice to her would not be, “If you’re opposed to porn, to the point where you’re not willing to be involved with someone who ever watches it, you need to spell that out early in a relationship.”
My advice would be, “If you’re opposed to porn, to the point where you’re not willing to be involved with someone who ever watches it, you need to seriously rethink whether that’s a reasonable thing for one adult to ask another. If you’re assuming that a shared opposition to porn means you’ll have shared values about sex and gender and politics, you need to seriously rethink that assumption. You need to be aware that there are a lot of pro-porn feminists in the world — women and men both — and that opposition to porn isn’t the default feminist position. You need to be aware that an awful lot of men watch porn, and it doesn’t automatically make them sexist objectifiers of women. You need to be aware that refusing to be involved with any man who watches porn is going to seriously limit your dating opportunities — and is likely going to rule out a fair number of men who might otherwise be great for you. You need to be aware that asking someone to limit what they do and don’t watch when they’re not with you is likely to come across as insecure and controlling . . . even to people who share your basic tastes. And you need to be aware that since there’s so much shame and stigma around porn, a lot of men aren’t going to feel comfortable standing up for their right and desire to watch it, and you may not get a straight answer about it. You might want to think about whether there’s a better way to deal with your insecurities than asking your potential partners to never even look at erotic photos or videos of other women.
“And if, after all of that, you’re still opposed to porn, to the point where you’re not willing to be involved with someone who ever watches it — then yes, you need to spell that out early in a relationship. But you need to be aware that you’re asking for a lot. And you need to not take the moral high ground about it.”
Being a feminist means, among other things, recognizing people’s right to sexual autonomy. Women’s and men’s. If you’re going to deal with your bad feelings about porn by expecting your partners to forgo a private sexual activity that doesn’t involve you in any way, you need to consider whether that’s really consistent with your feminism.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, 27 January 2010 at 3:36 pm and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Thursday, 28 January 2010 at 1:24 pm Steve Bowen wrote:
To cross reference this with another post. Asking someone not to watch porn, even on their own, is like asking them not to masturbate to a personal sexual fantasy (or for that matter fantasise while having sex with you). It’s an invasion of their personal space and let’s face it un-enforcable. It is the death of trust in a relationship.
on Thursday, 28 January 2010 at 2:05 pm Ephemeriis wrote:
It really isn’t a question of what is reasonable or not though… It’s a matter of what is going to work in a relationship between two people.
I agree with you that it’s kind of ridiculous to attempt to regulate what your partner watches on TV… But that doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who do exactly that.
Which means you need to spell it out very clearly ahead of time. And if your partner is actually OK with that, then you can live happily ever after. And if your partner isn’t OK with that, they can go find someone a little less controlling.
on Thursday, 28 January 2010 at 5:08 pm Janet wrote:
I’m inclined to think that one should be able to ask for whatever one wants in a relationship. One simply shouldn’t expect to get it.
I don’t really understand the whole idea of “having the right to ask for X.” If you want something, ask for it; if you don’t get it, you have to decide if you can live with that, or if it’s a deal-breaker. That’s true whether or not you have the “right to ask.”
on Thursday, 28 January 2010 at 7:30 pm Maureen McHugh wrote:
I do want to make a qualifying response to one thing you say, “I concluded that people have the right to watch whatever they want when they’re by themselves and on their own time, and that asking a partner not to watch porn is no more defensible then asking them not to watch reality TV or read true crime. I concluded that trying to regulate your partner’s private cultural pleasures — pornographic or otherwise — is like trying to regulate their imagination.”
I read this at first as saying that my partner can watch porn and just not tell me. (I realized on a second reading that you don’t say anything at all about how this should be handled.) But it is a problematic issue. What can my partner do on their own time? They can watch. Can they watch in a strip club? Why or why not? It’s their own time. Can they chat with a sex bot on the internet? Or does interaction cross the line?
Men and women don’t talk to each other much about porn. As a result, most conversations about porn evoke shame in one partner. I think that’s a problem, because it shuts down understanding and communication. I don’t like porn–in particular I am uncomfortable with the way the porn industry uses men and women. Like you, I decided it was unreasonable to expect that someone who enjoys porn could reasonably be asked to stop, because to me, the resulting lies and shame were more problematic in a relationship than pornography. (Ask me to give up eating sweets and I’ll end up lying. I know I’d be better off if I stopped eating sugar, but I really like it and even if I went a year without it, at some point I’m probably going to buy a doughnut.) That doesn’t mean that there are an astonishing number of relationships out there living that lie.
Shame is pernicious. Trust is precious. And I don’t know the answer when someone feels that looking at porn is a breach of their trust with their partner.
on Thursday, 28 January 2010 at 11:49 pm Pseudonym wrote:
I’m inclined to agree with Janet’s response. I don’t think that it’s my place to say what consenting adults can and can’t negotiate about in an intimate relationship. I may think some demand is unreasonable or dumb, but if I’m not in that relationship, I don’t care.
Having said that, I agree with the thrust of Greta’s post, with one qualification. I think it’s extremely reasonable to make demands about shared resources, such as shared time or shared money. Whether or not you’re allowed to consume porn is one thing, but whether or not you’re allowed to spend money on it is quite something else if money is shared.
on Friday, 29 January 2010 at 2:41 am Valhar2000 wrote:
An good argument in favour of not sharing all your money with a lover, which is something that Greta has advocated for in the past.
on Friday, 29 January 2010 at 6:20 am Steve Caldwell wrote:
Pseudonym wrote:
-snip-
“I think it’s extremely reasonable to make demands about shared resources, such as shared time or shared money. Whether or not you’re allowed to consume porn is one thing, but whether or not you’re allowed to spend money on it is quite something else if money is shared.”
It’s my understanding that there is plenty of free “sampler” porn out there — other than time, there may be no shared expense involved.
on Friday, 29 January 2010 at 2:01 pm Hambydammit wrote:
I think there’s a hair to be split here, and Greta has kind of danced around it without saying it explicitly. I share the opinion that there is no reasonable justification for demanding unwanted change from a romantic partner. That is, if we are in a relationship, it should be because of who the person IS, not who we want them to be.
When a woman says, “I don’t want you to ever watch porn again,” she’s really saying, “I want you to be the kind of person who doesn’t watch porn.” THAT’s what’s really unreasonable about asking a man not to watch porn.
There are some behaviors that are not especially indicative of deep seated personality traits. For instance, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for one partner to say to the other, “Listen, I love you, but it grosses me out that you chew with your mouth open, and it grosses other people out. For my own sake and for yours, I’d like you to learn to chew with your mouth closed.”
But watching porn is different. Chewing with your mouth open is not something anyone especially likes to do. It’s just something some people do, and it’s a behavior that can be changed without changing any part of a person’s personality. Watching porn is an enjoyable recreational activity, and asking someone not to do it is asking them to make their life less enjoyable.
Having said all of that, I’d support a person’s decision to break up with their partner over porn watching or chewing agape. Being in a relationship isn’t about moral justification. It’s about getting what you want. I agree that a person has every right to ask whatever they want of their partner, and I also agree that a mature, emotionally developed, empathetic person wouldn’t exercise that right, and would instead accept porn as a healthy personal sexual practice.
But that would be asking immature, emotionally undeveloped, non-empathetic people to change who they are, when what we should really do is run away, fast.
on Saturday, 30 January 2010 at 1:17 am Abram Nichols wrote:
I’ve had girlfriends TRY to tell me they don’t want me watching porn, especially if we have a sexual relationship. I laugh and say “nice try.” ‘Cause you know what will happen if I comply? Notwithstanding the fact that I believe a man should be able to watch all the legal porn he wants, as soon as a man cedes his right to watch and get off to porn, he has given his significant other all the power over HIS sexuality. She doesn’t feel like sex one night/week/month? Tough. He can’t really do anything about it. A man should at the very least be able to say “ok honey, you don’t want to have sex? Well, I’m going to take care of it myself then (without involving another live human being of course).” And the woman should understand that. Women want to have their cake and eat it too: “well if I’m not in the mood then he shouldn’t be enjoying himself without me.” Try this guys. The next time it comes up, tell her “I’m a guy. I watch porn and I jerk off. Deal with it.”
on Saturday, 30 January 2010 at 1:57 pm Iamcuriousblue wrote:
“Women want to have their cake and eat it too: “well if I’m not in the mood then he shouldn’t be enjoying himself without me.” Try this guys. The next time it comes up, tell her “I’m a guy. I watch porn and I jerk off. Deal with it.””
While I agree with your general point, I really don’t think making sexist “battle of the sexes” generalizations like this is at all helpful. Also, that presumes that a woman who objects to porn use is really objecting to her partner masturbating on his own time. And while that is true in some cases (and constitutes controlling behavior that sets off especially loud alarm bells), I think there also many who would say they’re OK with masturbation, they’re just not OK with porn. While I think Greta makes a really good argument that this can still cross the line into controlling behavior, an argument that ends with “I’m a man, deal with it!” doesn’t really cut it.
on Sunday, 31 January 2010 at 4:07 pm Mike wrote:
For men, watching porn results in masturbation. Does this woman want her boy to pledge not to masturbate?
I doubt she’s thought about that. Her objections to porn are more about her control freak personality than about him ejaculating while not in her presence.
I’ve heard of couples who pledge no masturbation. At times, I’ve thought that would be a really hot arrangement. But I’m too lazy to commit to that myself.
Not always, but almost always, women who nag about porn are doing it from neurotic motivations. More often than not, this should be a clear signal to dump the woman.
on Monday, 1 February 2010 at 11:35 am Liz wrote:
“her objections to porn are more about her control freak personality than about him ejaculating while not in her presence”
Yes, actually. A lot of women who are bothered by the idea of men watching porn want to try to control where men get ideas of how women should act in the bedroom. And they don’t know that not all porn objectifies women to the point of obliterating their needs. As a woman, it’s really obvious when a man you’re sleeping with has learned how to have sex from bad porn, because generally he’s really bad at actually pleasing you, and doesn’t get why you’re not just aroused to the point of senselessness by being in the presence of his dick. She’s trying to avoid that behavior.
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Plenty of men watch porn and aren’t like that. They might get off on it, but ask when when they’re not in the process of watching it, or interact with them sexually, and it’s really obvious that they get that porn is performance, not reality. In fact, I’d hazard a guess that most adult men get this, and the few that fall into the category described above get talked about more because they’re so unusual. And it’s not like you can’t get inspired to try new things from porn, you just, again, have to realize that porn is performance.
The hard part, at least in the context of the original letter, is that the sad reality is that more and more young boys don’t get the difference between porn sex and real sex. Chalk it up to another problem caused by abstinence-only education. Because no one is saying “this is how adult relationships work” they are learning about sex through porn.
on Wednesday, 3 February 2010 at 6:47 pm Steve wrote:
Women place so many restrictions on male sexuality it’s a wonder we don’t all turn gay out of spite.
I would never date a woman who did not watch porn, initiate kinky sex or have a large and complex list of fetishes, kinks and peccadilloes she wished to explore.
I think my stance on whether it’s ok for a wonam to ask a man not to watch porn is clear
on Wednesday, 3 February 2010 at 8:01 pm Fan of Greta wrote:
I love your blog - my first ever comment is going to be a gentle criticism but that’s only because usually I 100% agree. I agree that it is wrong to try and regulate someone’s imagination. But that’s not the only reason why one would object to porn.
There are blood diamonds and there are fair-trade diamonds. There are organic tomatoes that are produced by exploited workers in California and there are tomatoes that are produced by small family-run farms. There are clothes made in sweatshops and clothes made in factories with labor unions. There are construction workers who are forced to take illegal risks to their safety in order to earn a living and there are construction workers who always wear their helmets. I think EVERYBODY ought to try and direct their purchases in an ethical way.
I was horrifically sexually abused by my father and others. I had sex for money because my self esteem was nothing and it’s a pretty common story (before everyone jumps on me, I’m not saying EVERYONE who does sex-work has a background of abuse.) I have a huge problem with the idea that a partner of mine - or a friend - would watch with their own eyes something that may well be abuse - because of the values that are reflected or because of the experiences of any of the actors. The people who care about me try to understand what I went through and actually adopted my point of view.
I love food but I try really hard to eat ethically. If I ever dated someone whose father was horrifically exploited in some big-ag processing unit in Mexico and then contracted an illness from toxic fertilizers, and that person asked me to make really really sure to only ever eat ethically when around him, of course I would do it. I would be immoral not to.
For the record, I have no problem with anyone watching Annie Sprinkle…. :)
Oh and Abram Nichols - you have a lot of anger. If you keep on dating women who try to control you, you should seek therapy to figure out why you do that and how to stop. Generalizing in such an ugly way about all women only hurts you. I used to be scared of and even hate all men. My life is much richer for having overcome it.
on Thursday, 4 February 2010 at 4:10 am Sweetness wrote:
Before I offer up a perspective which might be unpopular here, let me first make clear that I have nothing against porn. I enjoy porn, both by myself and with partners. I certainly have no “moral” objections and don’t believe porn generally exploits women. I agree with Greta that requesting a partner abstain from porn on “moral” grounds or out of a need to control is unreasonable (and frankly, ridiculous).
While I think porn is usually a fun and healthy addition to anyone’s sex life, personal experience has shown me that it can become a hindrance too, and asking someone to at least watch less might not always be unreasonable. Let me explain: I was in a relationship with a man who–no surprise–was a lover of porn. Yipee! Me too! Sex was good…for a couple years. We all know that as time passes the heat naturally wears off a bit, but I believe a little effort and imagination can go a long way toward keeping the fire burning. If, on the other hand, one party begins watching porn every day at least once, sometimes two or three times, while his living, breathing, hot, horny girlfriend has to beg to get laid, well, in my book that’s just not cool.
At that point it’s not about control. It’s about whether our needs and desires match up. After much earnest discussion about his needs/my needs/our needs, etc., I came to the conclusion that I NEED sex with a partner more than once every week or two. I DON’T want to feel like I have to compete with porn for my boyfriend’s attention. I DON’T want the frustration of hoping for a roll in the hay, only to repeatedly have my hopes dashed because he’s already satisfied himself before I got home from work, or when I ran out to the grocery store. As a result, I asked (gasp!) that he cut back on the porn and masturbation so he’d have more energy for our mutual sex life. Asked, not demanded. I think there’s a big difference and I think this was a perfectly valid request. He was free to say no and I knew full well that he might. But I also knew that if his desire for porn/masturbation was that much greater than his desire for sex with me, then we just weren’t a match and I would have to move on.
I do agree that, as a rule, it is unreasonable to demand that your partner forgo all porn. However, I guess I’m trying to illustrate two points: 1) Asking your partner to compromise in order to meet your needs is not automatically unreasonable just because it involves porn. People negotiate in relationships all the time on all kinds of issues. And 2) Not all people who ask their partners to lay off the porn are misguided, neurotic, porn-hating control-freaks. (Most are, but not all.)
on Thursday, 4 February 2010 at 8:09 am Eva M wrote:
Talk about hot button issues… You know this is one for me.
I think it’s so simplistic to compare porn to merely watching sports on TV, or speak of a partners objections to viewing porn (excessively) to the censoring of one’s imagination.
Porn– and I include porn produced by women like Candice and others– creates such unrealistic standards and expectations for (mostly men) in our culture. It’s made it utterly impossible for us real (mostly women) to age authentically and comfortably.
NO one comes in porn for real– really… No one experiences pleasure for REAL in porn– at least not in the way that is portrayed in what (mostly men) view, and then invariably compare to their real life partners. If I had a dollar for every time my last partner, and current partner have said: “One thing has nothing to do with the other!” I’d have made back half of my 401K losses.
I’m fine with my partner playing with porn in moderate doses, with and without me present. But SO many (mostly men) can’t manage to do that, and it becomes thei primary sexual outlet. So, what’s a woman with an aging body, and a waning (but still present) libido to do?
Toss Viagra into the mix and that makes for a lot of men pining for the 22 year old, fake- panting porn images.
What I’ve never understood is how porn could be viewed as a postmodern feminist statement. I’d love help with that one. I totally support giving the respect due, and creating decriminalization for sex workers. But I’ve spent lots of time at the Lusty and the Market St. Cinema (with my ex) watching men skulking out of their booths to secretly return to their partners and wives—only feeling deprived in their real lives of what they’d just experienced. When porn or sex work is a secret- it’s as damaging as any lie in a relationship.
on Thursday, 4 February 2010 at 3:50 pm Steve wrote:
Eva
The blokes were there because of the male need for novelty. You may desperately need to believe that men are all absolutely satisfied sexually with one life long loving partner but that is just not the case for the majority of men. They are satisfying their need for novelty using porn.
What is more damaging to a relationship - the lie or 80% of blokes saying to their wives and girlfriends look, I love you deeply and want to grow old with you but I’m a man and I am driven to seek sex with new partners and will enjoy it more than I will with you. We can try my just using porn but what I would prefer is several threesomes and orgies a year. Because that is what they really want.
Perhaps believing the falsehood that women hold on to that their partners are satisfied with them is better than the truth.
on Sunday, 7 February 2010 at 12:46 pm Hank Fox wrote:
I agree pretty much totally with this post.
I’m also imagining the range of female responses that would follow if this post had been written by a man.
on Monday, 8 February 2010 at 12:01 pm Byron wrote:
As a married man I of course I totally agree with you, though I‘ve read other articles that argue the opposing view. You’ve know doubt heard the arguments that porn leads to problems in a marriage, making the man not interested in his wife. And I contend that it’s much more than that. It’s not always the porn but how the relationship has evolved. Marriage itself is problematic. There’s nothing absolutely natural about it. Just because you’re married or in relationship doesn’t mean all your sexual needs are being met. And just as I can’t expect my wife to have sex with me every night, she can’t expect me not to masturbate to porn. If porn is not her thing, okay, that’s her. But just as she reads her romance novels nearly everyday, I should also be able to watch porn. Confronting any problems in our marriage should not mean I have to give up porn or that she gives up her romance novels. That doesn’t mean we don’t need to work our relationship. But it’s also important to recognize that men are not always the problem for when a marriage is not going well, and that making porn the culprit is equally not the answer.