[Greta Christina] My Partner Cheated On Me With Their Right Hand
Will someone please explain this to me?
Because I do not get it at all.
I’m talking about masturbation jealousy. I’m talking about people who get jealous, not when their partners get attracted to other people, not when their partners look at porn starring other people, but when their partners masturbate. And I mean seriously jealous. Not “a little twinge of weirdness” jealous; not “I know this is irrational but I just can’t help feeling this way” jealous. I mean, “This is legitimately hurtful and threatening to me, it’s a violation of sexual trust, and I expect you to stop it” jealous.
And I do not get it at all.
Admittedly, I’m not necessarily the best person to ask about jealousy. I tend to rank fairly far down on the jealousy scale; to me, the fact that my partner gets interested in other people seems pretty normal, and not a particularly big deal. But it’s not like I don’t get it at all. I’m human. I get twinges. And I’ve felt serious, hard-core jealousy before, in bad relationships with people I didn’t trust and shouldn’t have. It’s not like the emotion is alien to me.
But getting jealous of your partner masturbating? That, I am totally baffled by. I’m trying to figure it out. And I might need someone to explain it to me.
Let’s take a closer look at jealousy for a moment. We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion. But I don’t think that’s so. I think it’s more accurate to think of jealousy as a stew of different emotions. It’s part fear — fear that your partner will leave you for someone else. It’s part insecurity — insecurity about your own value and desirability in comparison to someone else. It’s part hurt feelings — hurt feelings of being unwanted, rejected, left out. And it’s part just flat-out controlling possessiveness — the feeling that your partner’s sexuality belongs to you now, and that they shouldn’t have any sexual feelings or experiences that don’t involve you.
Now.
Which of these feelings have anything at all to do with a partner masturbating?
It’s almost certainly not fear. It’s not impossible, I suppose; but I highly doubt that very many people are genuinely afraid that their partner will leave them to pursue more masturbation.
And for much the same reason, I don’t think it’s insecurity. Are there people in the world who are anxious about their partner whacking off and making unflattering comparisons? Are there people in the world who are genuinely concerned that, compared to a vibrator or a right hand and a jar of Vaseline, they just don’t stack up? Maybe. But I’m skeptical.
What about hurt feelings? Possibly. In the same way that some people feel rejected or left out if their partner eats dinner without them, goes to a movie without them, has a drink with colleagues after work without them, there may well be some people who feel rejected or left out if their partner has an orgasm without them.
But my money’s on possessiveness and control.
I speculate (and I will freely admit that this is speculation, it’s not like I’ve done a peer- reviewed study or anything) that 90% of jealousy over masturbation has to do with the idea that, once you get into a relationship with someone, their sexuality should be 100% focused on you. It’s not just that they shouldn’t have sex with other people, shouldn’t look at other people, shouldn’t maintain friendships with people they’ve had sex with in the past. They shouldn’t even have sex with themselves. They shouldn’t enjoy their bodies, and their bodies’ capacity for sexual pleasure, if you’re not there. Their sexuality belongs to you now. According to this way of thinking, that’s just part of the implicit contract of a relationship.
And this, I think, is why it baffles me.
I get the other parts of jealousy. I get being afraid that you’re going to be left for someone else. I get feeling insecure about your attractiveness, and feeling anxious about being compared to other people. I even get feeling hurt and rejected if you’re not included in something that you care about and want to be a part of. These aren’t always the most useful emotions in a relationship, but they’re certainly human, and they’re certainly understandable. And they can be dealt with, in a variety of creative ways.
But I absolutely do not get the part about how being in a relationship means diverting every milliliter of your sexuality towards your partner — and how any divergence from this is tantamount to betrayal. I think that’s just loony-tunes. What’s more, it’s loony-tunes in a way that’s singularly inflexible, impenetrable to negotiation or processing or reason.
And I think that’s what expecting your partner not to masturbate — and getting jealous when they do — amounts to.
I think. I could be wrong. I really don’t get this. Can somebody explain it to me?
Please note: I’m not talking about the “My partner masturbates all the time and we never have sex together anymore” situation. That’s different.
This entry was posted on Friday, 8 May 2009 at 8:37 pm and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Saturday, 9 May 2009 at 6:09 am annajcook wrote:
I like the way that you break down the feeling of jealousy into distinct sub-categories of response . . . I, too, often locate “jealousy” in myself in the fear/insecurity nexus: I usually figure it’s an emotion to pay attention to because it signals not so much that I have anything objectively to be jealous of, but that I’m not getting something I want or need, or I’m not feeling secure with the person for some reason. Reasons which are worth locating and thinking how to deal with.
When it comes to solitary sex vs. partnered sex specifically . . .? I feel like solo sex is analogous to going off and spending time by yourself reading a book or going for a walk. Even in a relationship, most people need alone-time. Why not alone-sex too?
But our culture doesn’t see masturbation as a legitimate way of being connected to yourself: we still frame masturbation as a substitute for partnered sex — something that people do when they can’t get sex with someone else. So actually, I think insecurity could be a really big part of peoples’ unhappiness with a partner masturbating: they could be reading it as a judgment of their “performance” as a sexual partner.
I think the romantic narrative about partnered sex, too, idealizes a sexual relationship — and that partner — as being able to meet all of your sexual and emotional needs. So when it turns out that your partner has a relationship with their sexuality that is entirely independent from you, that can probably be threatening. Especially if you, yourself, don’t have a similar relationship with your own sexuality.
This is particularly true in the sexual-conservative/abstinence-only narratives about sex (which are creeping ever further into the sexual mainstream right now), in which there’s this sort of scarcity-of-resources model of human sexuality. Policing sex, in and outside of marriage relationships, is in large part about channeling what is percieved to be a limited supply of erotic capacity toward your partner — rather than imagining that that capacity is infinitely expandable. So in the limited-supply concept of sex, any sexual energy spent on yourself directly takes away from sexual energy you would otherwise spend on/with your partner. Even if in practical terms the sexual relationship appears to be flourishing.
on Saturday, 9 May 2009 at 8:38 am littleblackdress wrote:
Even in a serious relationship, I expect both myself and my partner to masturbate fairly regularly. The enjoyment and release that I get from masturbation is almost completely different from the enjoyment and release that I get from our adult playtime and I suppose because it is really different, for me, it’s something that I can understand continuing to indulge in even with a very active non-masturbatory sex life.
Perhaps for some people, an orgasm is an orgasm and there’s no difference (in their minds) between when they masturbate and when they have sex. At least, that’s the reasoning I’ve always told myself as to the phenomena you’re describing.
on Saturday, 9 May 2009 at 5:10 pm Steve Caldwell wrote:
Greta — I like the article and the Optimus Prime graphic too.
on Saturday, 9 May 2009 at 10:15 pm Ola wrote:
I suspect it’s fairly simple: they’re jealous because of the fantasies the partner has. It’s not as much about masturbation as about who they think about when they masturbate. And then it’s all the feelings you listed: insecurity, hurt feelings, possessiveness.
Also, one reason you guessed: it’s a part of that myth that my partner should be able to satisfy my *every* need. If I masturbate… that means he failed! I heard this once from a woman who had such feelings: “I should be enough for him”. Well, that explains it.
on Sunday, 10 May 2009 at 11:15 am What I did May 10th - Eddie Current wrote:
[…] […]
on Sunday, 10 May 2009 at 2:44 pm Sue wrote:
I’ve talked to many of my girl friends about this (I don’t know if my sample is just self-selecting, but most of the people I know complaining about their partner’s masturbation habits have been women partnered with men*). The most common complaint is “aren’t I good enough?” - both in terms, “isn’t just me enough for him” and “he’s looking at perfect porno women and/or thinking about someone else and that makes me feel insecure”.
So I think there is a lot of both fear and insecurity involved too:
~ insecurity that you’re not as good as women who fuck for a living and have the bodies to prove it, if he’s looking at porn. If he’s not, then he must be thinking about another woman, another woman he actually knows - because if he weren’t, he’d be having sex with me rather than on his own.
~ fear that masturbating to porn is a “gateway drug” to actual sex with an actual other person. We could perhaps blame the Bible for this attitude: “But I say to you, anyone who stares at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
*There have been a few gay men complaining their boyfriend looks at porn too much too. I’ve never heard a man complain that a woman looks at porn too much. Except my partner ;-)
on Sunday, 10 May 2009 at 6:20 pm Elin wrote:
I can’t relate to feeling jealous about your partner masturbating. The only thing I can kind of understand is that sometimes, if your partner is a man, and he’s whacking off so much the day before he sees you that you can’t get him to cum when he’s with you, that can be frustrating. Just because it’s pretty satisfying to make someone cum…it’s not quite the rush you might think it’d be, but it’s nice.
I have a feeling that you’re right on the money on this one: this jealousy-over-masturbating thing is about control. “He’s only supposed tobe having that much fun with me!” I can sort of understand, but it’s still lame.
on Monday, 11 May 2009 at 12:54 pm Jade wrote:
I don’t think it’s fear that one’s partner will leave them to masturbate more that drives people to become overly jealous when their partner masturbates. I think that it’s a fear of sexual inadequacy- the fear that you aren’t good enough to pleasure them, and once they get bored with their hand, they’ll move on to another partner altogether. That’s just my though though. Lovely article by the way, and well written as always. :)
on Thursday, 14 May 2009 at 5:58 pm ToppHogg wrote:
I am a victim of a “I should be good enough for you” marriage. Somehow, my sexual urges are supposed to precisely correspond with the twice-a-month-whether-you-need-it-or-not partner I married. I can’t discuss sexual frequency, practices, attitudes, nor especially frustration. I have found over time it is more pragmatic to avoid the topic altogether rather than go through a lot of drama and evasive responses as to why I’m wrong and she’s right. Despite all of the talking, reversion to the status quo is the only outcome. It’s almost like trying to pin down Obama as to why he hasn’t begun prosecuting Bush officials for torture and other crimes. As I am the only one suffering, I’ll live with it - as I have for many years. Other options are not possible right now.
on Sunday, 17 May 2009 at 7:43 am Carnival of the Godless #117 - State of Protest wrote:
[…] Any time I see a new Greta Christina article pop up in my RSS reader, I know it’s going to be good. I’m never disappointed. Her submission reminds me of an article I wrote back in December, Being Religious is Like Eating Sand. Both touch on the question of whether spirituality, loosely defined as some desire or perceived connection with the unexplained and attributing it as a necessity to something supernatural, is something worth keeping after rejection of organized religion. Mine focuses generally on religion and religious belief, and Greta Christina’s focuses on spirituality. After you’re done reading her article, take a listen to her interview at Secular Nation, and then visit the Blowfish Blog for some of her excellent articles on sexuality (like her recent “My Partner Cheated On Me With Their Right Hand“). […]
on Sunday, 17 May 2009 at 1:36 pm Hambydammit wrote:
I think some of the commenters are spot on about the insecurity many women feel when their men masturbate. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about healthy sex-positive living, and one of the things I have come to realize is that a healthy sense of one’s own limitations is the only starting place when we begin trying to reshape our sexuality without the Christian cultural myths.
I’m lucky enough now to have a partner who enjoys both of our fantasy lives. When she sees a tall blond German looking guy, I know she’s thinking about fucking him, and I like it. She’s being open and honest with herself about what she likes and desires, and isn’t trying to be something she’s not to protect my ego. What a compliment! She trusts and loves me enough to know that I am ok with not being a 6′5″ German underwear model. In the same way, she realizes and appreciates the fact that no matter how old I get, twenty-one year old college girls will look really sexy.
Oh.. and there’s the part where she likes girls, too. That’s a good thing.
When it comes right down to it, I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that a healthy sex life requires a conscious and honest admission that “ownership” of anything between two people is a dead end road.
on Wednesday, 22 July 2009 at 4:23 pm Sebastian wrote:
I have always thought that those who are jealous of masturbation are not very active masturbators themselves. They might have tried it out sometimes but have not grown into the habit and thus masturbation is not a part of expressing their sexuality. Then when they pair up with someone who regards masturbation the most natural thing, they have a hard time coping with it.
on Sunday, 17 January 2010 at 3:58 pm [Greta Christina] Can Watching Porn Be Cheating? | Blowfish Blog wrote:
[…] Why not? Well, let me put it this way. Do people have the right to expect their partners not to masturbate? Or, for that matter, do people have the right to expect their partners not to watch reality TV or read true crime? On their own time, when they don’t have any obligations and their partner isn’t around? […]
on Tuesday, 15 June 2010 at 7:52 pm Chevychick062587 wrote:
My boyfriend and I have been pretty open out our sexual relationship and more open as time went on. It never bothered me that he masturbated. He mentioned to me one time that he didn’t watch porn so I believed him. Well one day after being together for quite a while I got nosey and looked at the history on is computer and there it was…porn. I got so jealous I couldn’t stand it. I don’t think it was that he was looking at porn more as it was he sort of hid it from me. It was soft core but still… I tried to do everything I could to get him to stop including trying to see him even more so that he didn’t have time to do it. The only thing I could think of to do besides tell him I was snooping was to talk about what I do when I masturbate. He eventually one day admited he watched it and I felt an instant relief. Weird huh? Also he admitted how much jealousy he has for my little and big “friends” (my toys) so it really doesn’t bother me one bit what he does anymore because I know he feels it just as much as I do. =)