[Greta Christina] Morals, Deprivation, and Prioritizing Sex: Is Cheating Ever Okay? Part 3
I swear to Loki — this is the last round of this for a while. Next week, a nice review of a new book on sex and science. I promise. But this is too compelling a topic, and too interesting a conversation, for me to drop at this point.
I’m talking, of course, about cheating. Specifically, cheating in a sexless relationship.
And today, I want to connect it to how high a priority we place on sex.
Because I think that’s something that’s been missing from this conversation.
When I wrote my first piece on this topic, I put the question in terms of a social contract. I argued that yes, cheating is a violation of the unspoken (and in some cases, spoken) terms of a relationship agreement. But I also argued that unilaterally and permanently depriving your partner of sex is also a violation of those terms. And I argued that, when one person violates their half of an agreement, the other person is no longer obligated to keep theirs.
Now, over on my own blog (where this question was also being discussed), a lawyer friend of mine, Jon Berger, clarified a point of law that’s very much relevant to this question. (Don’t worry — I’ll get out of all this contract stuff soon, and back into the stuff about sex.) He pointed out that in contract law, there’s a difference between a simple breach of contract and a “material breach” — and only when a breach becomes material are you no longer required to keep your end of the bargain.
And I think this whole “material breach” thing is crucial to what I want to get at today.
Because, in my opinion, the unilateral, non-negotiable, permanent cutting off of sex in a monogamous relationship is a material breach.
One that’s every bit as serious, every bit as significant, every bit as harmful, as cheating in a monogamous relationship.
And I think this is a concept that many anti-cheating advocates are not seeing. (Or maybe they’re just not agreeing with it. I’m not sure.)
Jon is right, of course. It’s not like any violation of any relationship agreement gives you license to cheat. If your partner promises to take the garbage out on Friday nights, and one week they forget, that doesn’t give you license to run off to the nearest singles bar. Forgetting the trash one week is not a material breach, and cheating wouldn’t be a proportionate response. (Or, for that matter, a relevant one.)
But to unilaterally cut off sex in a monogamous relationship, without any willingness for negotiation or even discussion, and with every intention of it being a permanent arrangement? To unilaterally force your partner into a situation where their only options are cheating — which is admittedly not that honorable; breakup or divorce — which many people in many situations would also consider dishonorable; or lifelong celibacy — which many, many people, myself included, would consider intolerable?
You’re damn right I think that’s a material breach.
And while I don’t think I’d personally choose to cheat in that situation, I can easily see how a good person might decide that cheating was both a proportionate response and a relevant one.
Now, some argue that cheating is always indefensibly wrong because it’s non- consensual: one partner is non-consensually forcing the other into a type of relationship that they didn’t agree to and don’t want. And this is an interesting point, with some validity to it. (FYI, there are other anti-cheating points being made in this debate that also have validity: I just don’t have space to address them all.)
But my counter-point is this: It is equally non-consensual for one partner to unilaterally decide that the relationship will now, and forevermore, be sexless. It is equally non-consensual for one person to try to force another into a life of lifelong, permanent celibacy.
And in my opinion, it is an equally serious moral violation, with equal potential for harm.
I’m not sure why I’m being so tenacious about this. (Apart from the fact that I’m a tenacious person, and am like a dog with a bone when I get hold of an idea.) I have a sex life that I’m happy with, and I’m not monogamous. So for me personally, this is all something of a moot point.
But I’m always troubled when I think people are trivializing sex, and sexual desire, and the high priority that some of us place on it.
And that’s some of what I’m seeing in these debates.
I’m not saying that all anti-cheating advocates are trivializing sex. But I am saying that, in the debates about cheating in sexless relationships, I’m seeing what I consider to be a disproportionate emphasis on the cheating . . . and a similarly disproportionate lack of attention to the sexlessness, and the harm that it can do, and the difficult moral bind that it puts people in.
Adult life is full of complicated ethical situations, with no one clear morally excellent choice. Adult life is full of situations in which we have to prioritize some of our values over others. As both Seth and Ola pointed out in the comments to last week’s column, one of the central questions in this debate is whether honesty in relationships is the highest priority, outweighing all other values and ethical considerations. And even if you personally think it is, I think you have to accept that this is not the only morally defensible position. I don’t think it’s reasonable or fair to expect people to sacrifice sex for the rest of their lives just so they can live up to your personal ethical priorities rather than their own.
Look. I’m not saying cheating is a morally excellent choice. I’m saying that it’s sometimes a complicated choice. I’m saying that good people sometimes make this choice for reasons that are valid. I’m saying that good people could reasonably see it, not as a great choice, but as the best bad choice that’s available to them, the choice that they think is the least likely to cause harm in a complicated and difficult situation. And I’m saying that, even if it’s not the choice that you or I would make, we have to not just reflexively and unthinkingly treat everyone who does make it as if they were wicked, selfish, unethical people by definition.
And I’m saying this:
I think that, if sex-positive people are going to take cheating seriously as an ethical violation, we need to take the unilateral and permanent turning off of sex in a relationship every bit as seriously. We need to acknowledge the complicated and difficult moral bind that the latter choice puts people into. And if we’re going to treat the latter choice with compassion and empathy and understanding for extenuating circumstances, it’s unfair to treat the former with stringent and unrelenting condemnation.
Previous posts in this series: Is Cheating Ever Okay? Is Cheating Ever Okay? Part 2
This entry was posted on Friday, 18 July 2008 at 1:13 pm and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Friday, 18 July 2008 at 1:59 pm berick wrote:
I so, so agree. I went through this issue for years with a partner, who believed that sex was the “icing on the cake”, something that was nice but not vital. So when she decided that less sex, then no sex for an indeterminate time, was what felt right for her, I was supposed to go along. I argued that she called this monogamy, but I felt it was something else - non-ogamy (yeah, I have a bad habit of coining terms). Basically, she thought I was shallow and immature for placing such a priority on having a sex life. I wasn’t even supposed to self-sex, because that made her feel bad about the lack of sex. I loved her, and still do, and I didn’t cheat, but I and we just broke down trying to live without.
on Friday, 18 July 2008 at 4:59 pm Tara wrote:
I replied early on to your first cheating post.
I mentioned that after a sexless 13 year marriage I finally broke down and cheated. It wasn’t a planned affair. It wasn’t a proud moment. Still no regrets.
I’d like to make a point to those who trivialize sex - often in sexless marriages it’s not just sex that is lacking. It’s basic expressions of love and emotion. What that means is that there is not just a lack of sex - there is no hand holding, there is no cuddling, there is no kissing - not even a peck on the cheek, there are no hugs, there are no brushes against each other in the hallway, there is no “I love you” - there is simply a lack of everything that a couple needs to FEEL LIKE A COUPLE.
Yes, I hear it now - WHY stay together? There are many reasons. Financial, children, etc. etc. etc. I stayed for all those other reasons and more.
Eventually I stayed because my self-esteem had been so damaged that I didn’t think I was worth better. If this man who promised to love, honor and cherish me can’t stand to touch me with a ten-foot pole, WHO could possibly want me? I thought.
My affair showed me that I was still a desirable woman. I was still HUMAN. I was still worthy of love and affection. Now I’m working to rebuild myself from the inside out.
My husband is a good man, he’s a good father, but he’s a terrible husband and partner. I can’t help him anymore. We did therapy (before the affair). We tried medications (he’s chronically severely depressed and has been for 30 years). We tried everything we could think of.
What it came down to is that he has a problem showing love and affection. He has intimacy problems. He’s either not WILLING or ABLE to change.
I didn’t lie to him about the affair - I was honest and open with him about it. (And there was no issue of spreading diseases to him since we don’t have sex with each other.) Yes I hurt him, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the pain he felt doesn’t come close to my 13 years of hell.
I didn’t have an affair for revenge, or because I didn’t love my husband. I had an affair because if I hadn’t I would have completely lost myself to a sea of self-loathing induced by that terrible relationship. Having the affair is what I needed to do to realize that I had to get out of this relationship.
While in the midst of the negativity of the relationship I was not able to muster the will to leave. Being reminded - through the love and support of my “affair” - that I’m a *good* and *worthy* person was exactly what I needed to spur me into action. I had suffered a type of abuse and neglect that is often overlooked by those who haven’t experienced it first hand. I had been mentally and emotionally *damaged* - so it wasn’t just a simple matter of waking up one morning and saying, “Well I’ll just leave.”
For some people they are able to accomplish this with the help of family, friends or therapy. Therapy didn’t do it for me, and my family wasn’t helpful in the least. On the one hand I’m not happy that it took another man to help pull me out of the quicksand I had fallen into, but then again, it was actually his *caring for me* that pulled me out.
I have not seen my lover in two months. He’s 1,000 miles away right now. I pulled out of that relationship temporarily in order to clear my mind and tie up loose ends. I’m working on getting a job. I’m getting divorced. Once I have a place of my own he can move out here to be with me if that’s what we both want at that point. But for now, I’m simply taking the time to *breathe* - for the first time in over a decade.
But even now, because of what I went through with my husband, there is a part of my mind that doubts my “affair’s” love for me - that doubts his desire and NEED for me. There still a piece of me that says, “Oh sure, he acts like he likes me now… but in 6 months that’ll all stop…” I have had *years* of thinking that my husband’s behavior was because of my looks, or my attitude, or some other failing. I’m only now really pulling myself out of that cycle of self-hate. I’m not old - I’m only 36. I’m told I’m beautiful. I’m told I look 10 years younger. I’ve had people ask me if my son is my brother. But I still find it hard - in spite of the evidence and what people tell me - to undo the damage that’s been done.
I don’t believe that cheating is the best option or only option. I don’t agree with those who cheat on a regular basis simply because they are selfish. I know a woman who has cheated on every man she’s ever been with simply because she just wanted to - she was never denied anything by any of them or mistreated in any way. I could not be like her.
But to condemn and dismiss all who have gone through such a traumatic event - because even if I don’t regret my action it WAS traumatic - as bad people or cowards or some of the other comments I’ve read is showing a true lack of any type of empathy or sympathy for those who have suffered at the hands of another.
on Friday, 18 July 2008 at 7:50 pm Abbie wrote:
How widespread is this problem of partners suddenly going frigid?
on Saturday, 19 July 2008 at 4:01 am ysabet wrote:
I feel very strongly about this topic.
If - for whatever reason - I became unable or unwilling to have sex with my husband, or he with me, I think that non-monongamy would be a serious proposal. on the table. Because sex is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and being deprived of it is horrible.
It’s come up once or twice when we’ve had dry spells due to medical or mental issues - they haven’t lasted long enough for us to really take that option yet, but it’s an option we’re well-aware of. Should we ever go down that particular path, though, honesty would be a key requirement.
on Saturday, 19 July 2008 at 7:04 am Steven wrote:
Well, if Dr. Phil’s show is any indication there are a fair number of partners who turn off the sex for one reason or another.
It isn’t just women either, it sounds like there are plenty of men who expect their partners to live a celibate lifestyle.
Personally, I found that almost as soon as we got married my wife completely lost interest in sex. I think we spent more time arguing on our honeymoon than we did in bed.
Part of it is that she’s bi-polar and her medication really zaps her libido and maybe the rest is that after 9 years I’m just not that sexy anymore.
It’s a huge problem that casts a shadow over all the other really positive elements in our relationship. It doesn’t help that I have a keen interest in intimacy and find my wife very attractive.
The idea of cheating just seems wrong to me - a basic betrayal of someone I love and of the family that we have. It also seems selfish to leave just so I can “get some”.
I’m really not sure how to resolve this issue. It will probably be less of a problem once I get older and my desires diminish. The tricky part is - how do I get over resenting my wife for her part in depriving me of a sex life for so many years?
on Saturday, 19 July 2008 at 1:01 pm Brian wrote:
I feel the most in common with Tara’s story, here in the Comments section, except the gender roles are reversed. My wife and I have been married 5 years, though together for 8, and sex effectively ended 3 years ago. The last time we had sex was March 1 2007. She does some lingering physical pain issues from a car accident 10 years ago, meaning head/neck/back, plus some dizziness & lightheadedness at times, plus some other stomach issues, although the latter only began about 3 years ago. We had dry spells before due to some of this, sometimes for as long as 2 months, but 2005 was when it all really went downhill. She began being more serious about exercising in order to strengthen her body and help it recover more, help muscles fight the pain. All well and good, but it became the top priority and sex dropped far down the list. I am quite a sexual person. I love to do it, I read about it, write about it, watch & review porn on DVD, love to try new things, but I also love my wife and have always been considerate and aware of her physical conditions. She does not have much of an interest in sex, not even her own for the sake of her own pleasure, and is not eager to experiment much. But we are wonderful friends and have a great bond, which has kept the marriage coasting for the last 3-4 years… but the emotional, mental and physical deprivation eventually got to me… I wanted to please a woman, know that the woman wanted me sexually and would act upon it and wanted an active, consistent sex life… so the cheating occured. I was no longer satisfied with just my hand and a few sex toys, I wanted the real deal. My wife suspected, the truth came out, it was really difficult, but she says I am too important to her to let all of this end… so we’re going to try to work this out. I am in therapy, she is not so keen on it, but might try it… we are trying to schedule times for physically intimate things, but the most that has happened is just holding each other. A small start, but we’ll see how it progresses…
I want you to know that I did keep bringing up this topic over the few years, trying to reach a compromise, suggesting we do something, anything that could be considered physically intimate and she simply was not interested and never tried, never compromised and then admitted she felt I’d be unsatisfied by having sex with her. Good grief, I never gave that impression before, why think it now? I always stressed how important it is to keep this part of a relationship going, she agreed… but then would make no changes. What’s a spouse supposed to do after 3 years of almost no sex? (Only 7 times in 3 years.)
on Saturday, 19 July 2008 at 3:11 pm Jennie wrote:
I am very sympathetic to Tara, I too was in a sexless marriage. Before we were married, we had no problems. But within months of the wedding, he seemed to draw away from it and when I asked him, he just said he wasn’t really interested. If it was just about the sex, I probably would have just taken care of my own needs fine but he withdrew all affection as well. The loss of affection, the feeling of having somehow failed to keep his love and desire, as well as the painful loneliness drove me to cheat.
I don’t necessarily approve of what I did and I’m not saying that it was the Right Choice to have made. But it made me see the problems went deeper than just sex. Sex wasn’t the main issue, it was a symptom of a larger problem. Despite therapy and years of failed attempts to fix things, I finally decided I couldn’t live with him.
I never did tell him about the affair, I didn’t see the point in telling him something that would do little more than cause him pain. I know that people say honesty is the best policy but I think that’s just because people can’t live with the guilt of what they have done. Telling him would not have changed the relationship and would only have caused more pain. I chose to leave instead and spent a long time figuring out how I had gotten to that point to begin with. From my experience through therapy and many, many conversations, I think that cheating in a sexless marriage is more often about affection and loneliness than sex. It’s just sad that the partner who chooses to deprive their loved ones of these things just will never understand. They only see it as sex.
on Saturday, 19 July 2008 at 7:27 pm Tess wrote:
I still disagree with you.
There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to react to a breach of a contract.
I’ve mentioned my parent’s relationship before and I will again. My mother felt that part of the contract was being voided when my father became somewhat emotionally unavailable. She felt that she had been forced to uproot and that my father had no regard for her feelings. This, combined with her depression was reason enough for her to breach another part of the contract, the sex part.
Was this appropriate? Fuck no. From what I can tell, there was little communication involved, and this is the crux of the matter.
It’s not appropriate to cut off sex when you’re unhappy due to perceived “contract breaches.” It’s not appropriate to cheat due to perceived “contract breaches.” Everybody places a different value on sex, and there is nothing wrong with this. I would be unhappy in a sexless relationship and I would end it. There are people in relationships where there is little sex and this is mutually satisfying. They key is to find an arrangement that you are both happy with.
I’m not trying to say that people who cheat are all bad people. But how many of those that do fit the criteria you’ve laid out? A sexless relationship with no end in sight, where communication and other avenues have been explored and a split is impossible. I’m not even comfortable laying out distinct criteria where I think cheating is and isn’t ok.
I just don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect my partners to be honest with me.
on Saturday, 19 July 2008 at 8:56 pm Seth Manapio wrote:
That’s great. And that’s you.
Let’s take a different scenario. Let’s say that Abner developed a real fetish for footjobs before he met Bert. And Bert, well… he tried, you know, but in the end he just couldn’t do it. It’s humiliating for him, actually, because of this whole thing with his cousin Carol and the watermelon and its just a huge fracking mess, honestly.
Abner loves Bert. I mean, really loves him. And they have a lot of sex, and its good, meaningful, sweet sex, and Abner wouldn’t do without it, or Bert, for the world. And they are really honest and good to each other, and they adopted Bert’s daughter Daphne, and bought a bakery together and really, life couldn’t be better.
So Bert is out of town, visiting his mom with Daphne, and Abner is a little bored and he goes out for a coffee and this guy at the coffee shop who looks like Brad Pitt but with sensitive eyes gives him this look, and Abner knows, he just knows that this guy gives foot like Eric Clapton plays the guitar.
And as it turns out, Clapton is a rank amateur.
Anyway, Bert get’s back into town, and Abner just doesn’t tell him. He suffers for a while, but in the end he decides that its better not to tell him. Its just going to hurt him, really. And so it isn’t until Daphne is grown up with kids of her own, and they’ve sold the bakery, and one morning Bert reaches a foot over at breakfast and starts unbuttoning Abner’s pants that Abner remembers that one time that he strayed, so many years ago.
Should he tell Bert? Should he have told him then? Were all those years that they had meaningless, the joy, the love, the sex on the beach, Daphne’s graduation, the birth of their grandchildren? Are you, Tess, going to walk into their lives and turn the clock back and decide what was right and wrong, and who should have done what?
Maybe that foot job kept that marriage alive… just the very fact that it was possible, that it was available, that doing without was a choice kept Abner from needing it quite so much. Maybe it was meaningless, a blip on the radar of their lives that didn’t matter either way. I don’t know, and you don’t either. We know that up until this moment in time, this new decision, Abner’s moment of weakness hasn’t hurt anybody.
on Sunday, 20 July 2008 at 3:27 pm Seth Manapio wrote:
One day soon, my therapist tells me I’ll be cured of my random apostrophe use.
on Monday, 21 July 2008 at 11:48 am Eshu wrote:
I’ve heard it’s normal and good to renegotiate the terms of a relationship as people grow and change.
If someone breaks or wishes to break the original terms, that ought to trigger a discussion. I can’t claim to know why this doesn’t always happen. Perhaps shame is part of it.
Sometimes I think that can work, other times I suspect people just grow apart and inertia is all that keeps them together, while leading fairly separate lives.
on Tuesday, 22 July 2008 at 6:02 am Joreth wrote:
I’m only speaking for myself as one of the “cheating is always wrong” camp, and I want to address the idea of “material breach” and trivializing sex.
I am not disagreeing that cutting off sex is a Big Problem. What I’m disagreeing with is whether or not it’s a “breach of contract”. The problem here is when the frequency of sex is an implied assumption, not an explicit agreement.
If a married couple sat down before the wedding and said “honey, part of our marriage vows means you have to perform sex for me once a week for the rest of our lives” and both partners understand and agree to the arrangement, then it is reasonable to assume one partner cutting off sex is a breach of the contract.
But if two people never discuss the future of their sex lives, the person doing the cutting off clearly does *not* assume that sex is part of the contract - otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it. I’m not saying that person is being “fair” or is right to condemn their partner to a life of celibacy, I’m saying that the rule of regular sex was an assumption on the part of the person getting cut off and that assumption was not shared by the other partner.
*That* does not give the other person the right to cheat. *That* is not a breach of contract because only one person in this arrangement believes this clause to be part of the contract in the first place.
I’m *not* saying the person cutting off sex isn’t also doing something wrong, I’m just saying that the assumption of it being a breach of contract is not a given the way monogamy is a clear and explicit part of the agreement.
Only when both partners fully understand and agree that regular sex is part of the deal can abstaining from sex be construed as a breach of contract. But not everyone believes that regular sex is part of the contract and unless both partners actually discuss that, there’s no way to know that the person you married doesn’t feel he or she is obligated to perform sex for you whether he or she feels like it or not. And if both partners discuss it, then the cheating is not then a breach of contract either - it’s a renegotiation of the contract.
Without that discussion, the cheating is a clear breach and the celebacy is only a breach that is assumed by one party and not the other. That’s what makes the cheating “wrong”, it’s a full, premeditated breach of a contract. Without the explicit discussion of regular sex being mandatory, the celibacy is not. It *can’t* be a breach of contract of the person doing the breaching doesn’t realize it’s part of the contract and didn’t actually agree to it in the first place. Just because some people here believe it is a breach of contract doesn’t mean everyone else has the same assumption - and the only way to know that is to do crazy things like talk to your partners.
on Tuesday, 22 July 2008 at 8:58 pm Seth Manapio wrote:
Then you have a lot of explaining away to do. In particular, you need to explain why in some jurisdictions–say, Virginia–and also historically in Jewish and Christian culture, refusal of sex can be grounds for divorce. It seems to me that if refusing to have sex can be considered grounds for nullifying a contract, it is pretty obviously a breach of that contract.
You also have to explain, clearly, why your reasoning does not apply to the cheating partner. In particular, the cheating partner can borrow your principle that “Only when both partners fully understand and agree that regular sex is part of the deal can abstaining from sex be construed as a breach of contract” and simply state that they do not not now, nor did they ever agree, that discrete, casual affairs on their part constituted a breach of contract. Using your principles, not only is cheating okay when the other partner refuses sex, its okay whenever the cheating partner chooses to cheat.
on Wednesday, 23 July 2008 at 9:53 am Greta Christina wrote:
I’m spending some time looking at a state by state divorce law website. And while technically Seth is mistaken, in essence he seems to be correct.
Refusal of sex per se isn’t currently spelled out as grounds for divorce in any state — except Rhode Island, which lists “neglect and refusal” as grounds for divorce. (I’m assuming “refusal” means “refusal of sex.”)
But “impotence” is in many of them. As are “neglect” and “failure to perform a material marital duty or obligation,” which I believe has been traditionally understood to include sex (among other things).
Also, many states list “living separately without cohabitation” or “refusal to cohabit” as grounds for divorce. I’d always thought “cohabitation” just meant living together, but most of the statutes that cite this as grounds for divorce spell out the distinction between living together and cohabiting, so I was wrong about that. According to Law.com Dictionary, “Cohabitation implies that the parties are having sexual intercourse while living together.”
Plus, many states require some sort of waiting period in which the spouses are separated before a divorce can be granted. And many of them say that, while you don’t have to actually live apart for this separation to be valid, you do have to not be having sexual relations.
And finally, some version of “irretrievable breakdown of the marriage” is spelled out as grounds for divorce in almost every state, often with language about “the objects of marriage have been destroyed.” I asked a lawyer friend about this, and while family law isn’t his particular area of expertise, his guess is that most judges would recognize the permanent refusal of sex to a spouse who wants it as an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
All of which says to me that Seth is essentially correct: sex is widely, if not universally, considered by law to be an inherent part of marriage. The specific spelling out of sexual deprivation as grounds for divorce seems to be largely outdated; but it’s still very much implicit in the divorce laws of almost every state.
And I agree with his assessment. Given that this is the case, the unilateral and permanent cutting off of sex by one partner is a breach of contract.
on Friday, 2 January 2009 at 6:05 pm grey_shadow wrote:
On the subject of implied expectations, if you’re in a Christian marriage, presumably, the default is to accept the Biblical rules on marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV) (talking about the role of sex in marriage): “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
In a Christian marriage, according to St Paul, sex on demand is part of the contract.
The Anglican marriage service includes “N, will you take N to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?” and “I, N , take you, N , to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part; according to God’s holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow.” (and identical text with husband substituted for wife) and “N, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body I honour you, all that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.” as well as “The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together in the delight and tenderness of sexual union and joyful commitment to the end of their lives.” in the preamble.
So, at least in the Anglican Church (which is the one I’m most familiar with), it is clearly spelled out that love and comfort, or loving and cherishing, or sexual union is as much a part of the deal as lifelong commitment.