[Greta Christina] Can Watching Porn Be Cheating?
In a monogamous relationship, is it reasonable to expect your partner to not watch porn?
There was a recent letter to Scarleteen, the sex advice and information site for teenagers and young people. In this letter, the querant was upset because her boyfriend (a) watched porn, and (b) would soon be going on a road trip with his buddies in which he might be getting lap dances. The querant was upset about this — partly because she was a feminist who thought these activities were sexist, and partly because it triggered insecurities about her own body and made her feel inadequate.
Scarleteen’s reply? Feminism doesn’t automatically mean you’re anti-porn — there’s a wide range of feminist views about pornography — and enjoying porn doesn’t automatically make you sexist. When it comes to the details of your relationship and the agreements you make about sexual activity outside it — from porn/ lap dances/ other sexual entertainment to flat-out non-monogamy — you need to decide what would be your ideal, what would be on your “absolutely not” list, and what you’re willing to compromise on. And you need to recognize that your partner has as much right to their version of this list as you do to yours — and then see if you can negotiate a common ground.
Which sounds perfectly reasonable at first.
And then I started thinking about it.
Normally I adore Scarleteen, and recommend them unreservedly as a source of sex info and advice. And I feel a bit churlish calling them out on this one, since I found out about it because they were kind enough to link to me in their “wide range of feminist views of porn” section. If their advice had been about almost any other form of sexual activity, I would have been right there with them. And when it comes to the lap dances, I think their perspective is valid.
But when it comes to porn, I think they missed the boat.
I’m going to go out on a limb here:
I don’t think anyone has the right to expect their partner not to watch porn.
Why not? Well, let me put it this way. Do people have the right to expect their partners not to masturbate? Or, for that matter, do people have the right to expect their partners not to watch reality TV or read true crime? On their own time, when they don’t have any obligations and their partner isn’t around?
And if not — then why on earth would anyone have the right to expect their partner not to watch porn?
Even in a very close, seriously committed relationship, people have some basic rights to privacy and autonomy. What they do all by themselves, on their own time, in ways that don’t have any significant impact on anybody else — that is entirely their own damn business. Trying to regulate your partner’s porn watching is like trying to regulate what they read, what movies they watch, what art they see. No — it’s not like that. It is that. That is exactly what it is. The fact that the content of the writing or the movies or the art is sexual is irrelevant. Trying to regulate your partner’s cultural pleasures is like trying to regulate their imagination. And that’s just as true of pornographic cultural pleasures — and the sexual imagination.
There are some obvious exceptions. If your partner’s porn-watching is seriously affecting your sex life? If their porn is making them dissatisfied with you, or is creating unreasonable expectations about what sex and bodies are supposed to be like? If they’re watching porn to the exclusion of having sex with you? Or if they’re watching porn so much that it’s interfering with their personal or professional life, or is making them spend themselves into serious financial trouble? That’s different.
But “I feel threatened and insecure when my partner watches porn, therefore I have the right to expect them to stop”? I don’t see it. I mean, would it be reasonable to expect your partner not to watch “American Idol” because it made you feel threatened and insecure about your own singing ability? Even if your partner loved your singing, and made that clear in word and deed, and continued singing with you as much as they ever did?
And if not — then why is porn any different?
If you feel insecure and bad about your body and your sexuality — I completely sympathize. I’ve been there, I’m still there sometimes, and it sucks. But there are better ways of dealing with that insecurity and inadequacy than expecting your partner to forgo private, independent activities that don’t involve anyone else, and that have nothing to do with you. There are reasonable compromises that we can ask of our partners in our relationships. This is not one of them.
•
Now. I know there are non-monogamist hard-liners who would say the same thing about any form of sexual activity — not just porn. I know there are non-monogamist hard-liners who think we have no right to expect our partners to limit their sexual activity in any way that doesn’t directly affect us. I know there are non-monogamist hard-liners who would call me a hypocrite for drawing a line between porn — which I don’t think people have any right to expect their partners to consider forgoing — and lap dances, which I do.
I do think there’s a difference. But I will cheerfully acknowledge that the difference isn’t a clear or obvious one. It’s subtle, it’s complex, and it’s not easy to draw the line.
Which means it’s the topic of next week’s column.
This entry was posted on Sunday, 17 January 2010 at 3:58 pm and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Sunday, 17 January 2010 at 5:00 pm Ephemeriis wrote:
Which, unfortunately, happens.
I used to work at Electronics Boutique - a store that sold video games. We had some customers who had to literally sneak out when their significant other wasn’t watching, just so they could check out the new video games. We had spouses show up and haul their partner out of the store because they weren’t allowed to play video games.
These weren’t some bizarre Japanese hentai video games… Just regular, mainstream titles. But they weren’t allowed to play video games because they were “too childish“.
My wife is a member of a fairly large weight-loss forum with hundreds (thousands?) of members. She’s mentioned discussions on there to me where some woman was leaving her husband because he started playing video games. Not because he was neglecting her, or spending all their money on the games, or anything like that. She just couldn’t stand living with a man who played video games.
on Sunday, 17 January 2010 at 6:01 pm June wrote:
I do agree with your initial instinct that it’s not fair to single out Scarleteen, which is a fantastic resource, unique and unprecedented at its scale, and 99.9% sex-positive not just by mainstream-media standards but even by Blowfishie standards.
There are COUNTLESS examples of media that perpetuate the notion that masturbating and porn-watching somehow become wrong, shameful and something to hide as soon as one is part of a monogamous relationship. That’s true of the vast majority of the attention either porn or masturbation get in the movie/TV realm.
on Sunday, 17 January 2010 at 7:39 pm Greta Christina wrote:
My head is spinning from that sentence.
Do the spouses issuing these rules not get how infantalizing it is to “allow” or “not allow” their partners to do anything? How on earth is it “too childish” to play video games… but not “too childish” to let your partner tell you what games you can and can’t play?
Sheesh. Do these people even listen to themselves?
on Sunday, 17 January 2010 at 11:40 pm Christophe wrote:
The problem isn’t so much porn qua porn, but the notion that entering into a monogamous relationship is supposed to change not just behavior, but desire. When one is single, one does (and is expected to) weigh, measure, check out, judge attractiveness… but the instant the relationship gates close behind you, suddenly, your (at that point, brand-new) partner is supposed to be the one and only attractive sexual creature in the entire world.
It seems absurd, just written like that, but it’s so painfully common: “You were staring at her!” “What do you mean he has nice thighs?”
And, when that is combined with the general low opinion that porn has, it can be used as a way of hiding the real issue (that one feels threatened by the idea that someone else might be attractive to your partner) behind the evil of porn. Porn on the computer is bad, no more need be said, whereas yelling at your partner for checking out the server at Appleby’s would be considered not done.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 12:47 am Iamcuriousblue wrote:
I have mixed feelings about this. Basically, I’m against “monogamy by default” and I think every new couple should negotiate explicitly whether they want monogamy to begin with and, if so, what constitutes monogamy, and whatever their other boundaries are. And those boundaries might include their partner not looking at porn.
Do I think its a reasonable thing to ask a partner to do? I definitely don’t, and for exactly the reasons you stated: I don’t think its at all OK for a partner to be telling me what I can and can’t view or read, plus, even in the context of a completely monogamous relationship, I reserve the right to my own fantasy life. And that’s exactly why I’d be unlikely to want to stay in a relationship where I was told I could look at porn – not because I’m choosing porn over the relationship, but I have real problems with the nature of a relationship where my partner has that degree of ownership over me. I’d have to wonder just what other conditions would be imposed on fantasies and media consumption.
But then again, not everybody is me, and what seems an unreasonable imposition from my point of view might seem like a reasonable relationship compromise on somebody else’s part.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 12:54 am Iamcuriousblue wrote:
“I do agree with your initial instinct that it’s not fair to single out Scarleteen, which is a fantastic resource, unique and unprecedented at its scale, and 99.9% sex-positive not just by mainstream-media standards but even by Blowfishie standards.”
Eh, Heather Corrina is not infallible. Scarleteen overall is a fantastic project, but I’ve found myself disagreeing with a number of her editorial stances, particularly as she’s moved somewhat closer to radical feminism over the last few years. I see no contradiction in seeing Scarleteen as a great project and not having to agree with everything HC writes.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 12:59 am Iamcuriousblue wrote:
Oh, and what Christophe said! :)
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 3:18 pm Susie Bright wrote:
I can’t wait to see what you’re going to say about lap dancing. Which I would argue also falls into the privacy rights of “just because you don’t like going to motocross races/wine tasting parties/strip clubs doesn’t mean that I have to fall in line.”
I joke about being a “surf widow” sometime. But i am SO glad my lover has some passions and pasttimes that have nothing to do with me. And it works vice versa. When we are together, sharing the many things we both like or find in common, or shouldering the hard things that come along in life— it’s so much better that we aren’t each other’s identical mirror. It would drive me crazy.
Regarding this complaint from women… “my boyfriend likes porn, I feel so blue” etc… I have a theory about it. They are having BAD sex with this boyfriend. They don’t come, or rarely come. I have discovered this after scraping the surface EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Their orgasmic selfinterest if low low low. And so all they have to hold onto is “do you like me? do you want me? do you desire me?” which has to be refilled every five minutes because it’s such a bottomless pit.
The advice that woman needed was this: “Masturbate and come really hard. Then find someone who you have great sex with and come really hard. Then masturbate again and come really hard. Then go to a strip club yourself that welcomes women and just have a laugh and a good time. Have a lovely woman run her fingers through your hair. Then get some book or movie that really turns you on and get off. See how much of a damn you give about your drippy boyfriend after all that.”
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 5:45 pm Sebastian Conolly wrote:
I call bullshit. Being insecure is far from the only reason for wanting to restrict a partner’s porn usage. I’m happily non-monogamous, but I’d be deeply unhappy if my partner were using mainstream visual porn, because the vast majority of it is vile and exploitative and misogynist.
Yes, there’s good feminist porn out there, but let’s not pretend it isn’t rare.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 6:49 pm Indigo wrote:
I feel the need to point out that Corrina didn’t say “If his porn use is making you uncomfortable, make him stop.” What she said was “You have a right to feel uncomfortable and it’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with being in a relationship with someone who uses porn.” Which I think is a valid point - she *does* have a right to say “I’m not going to be with someone who looks at that kind of stuff”, she’s just going to have a harder time finding someone, and it might be a step in the right direction to point out that if she stopped thinking of in terms of right and wrong (”that stuff is sick and the fact that you like it is a moral failing!”) and approached it as a matter of taste instead.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 6:49 pm Doug T. wrote:
Greta, you’re my new hero.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 6:56 pm Iamcuriousblue wrote:
And I call bullshit right back, Sebastian. First, I think that blanket statements condemning “mainstream porn” mainstream porn as “misogynist” and “exploitative” is painting an entire genre with an incredibly broad brush. The fact is, if it were so damn easy for people to categorically agree that porn being “misogynist and exploitative”, then there wouldn’t be such a long-standing debate on the subject for the last – what – 30 years at least, even among feminists. (And speaking of old debates, what is this neat “mainstream porn” versus “feminist porn dichotomy? Sounds like the tired old “pornography versus erotica” trope reinvented under new language.)
Second, do you actually read the words you’re using here, Sebastian? “Restrict a partner’s porn usage”? Because unless you’re talking about a BDSM arrangement where its agreed upon in advance that one partner gets to “restrict” what the other partner can see and read, then that seems to be exactly the kind of controlling relationship that GC’s essay is expressly critiquing.
Now I think its a different story entirely if, going into a relationship, you lay it on the line that you’re a radical feminist or whatever, object to porn, and will only go into a relationship with somebody of a like-minded ideological commitment. Its quite another to go into a relationship with somebody who doesn’t share your commitments and then play the role of political commissar of the relationship.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 6:58 pm Vinnie Tesla wrote:
It’s a bit of a digression from your main point, but I do feel compelled to point out that there are some other reasons to have some unease with Scarleteen. In particular, Corinna’s condescension and hostility towards sexually submissive women.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 10:44 pm Angel Baby wrote:
In our “materialist” culture, we often ignore or discount what is going on below the surface of things. From a psychic/energetic standpoint, there’s a possibility that someone watching porn really is having sex with that other person. Thus, it can be seen as a violation of a monogamous relationship, (though, fortunately, disease-free.)
If either partner fantasized about someone else while masturbating, that could be seen as a reaching-out of the monogamous box, too.
That said, tuning in to porn sexfests could also just be seen as being sociable. The real controversy, to me, is that ever-ephemeral and gender-arguable line between purely physical and more complex emotional desire.
on Monday, 18 January 2010 at 11:08 pm Sara wrote:
“do people have the right to expect their partners not to watch reality TV or read true crime? On their own time, when they don’t have any obligations and their partner isn’t around? And if not — then why on earth would anyone have the right to expect their partner not to watch porn?”
I don’t disagree with anything you said, but rather think there’s an additional issue. I doubt that your partner would go to any lengths whatsoever to hide that they read true crime or watch the Real World. A common problem I hear in male/female relationships is that girls feel excluded. I realize the nature of porn is private, but many men have either been raised to believe (or had past experiences) that would have them believe they should hide it all together or at least omit it 100% of the time (while not technically lying).
The feeling that your partner is sneaking around is not a good feeling, even when there’s no reason for it. Much of the time the issue goes completely unaddressed. Sneaking around etc leads girls to feel like there probably *is* a reason to feel insecure about porn for essentially no reason.
I think if porn is going to be involved in a relationship there should be free acknowledgment on both parts, and at least *some* inclusion *some* of the time. (stress on some). I really feel that this issue isn’t just girls being possessive or jealous, I think it’s both partners. If there’s “no problem” then men should act like there’s no problem: and girls should accept it.
I realize I refer in this post to only male/female relationships. That was intentional because I see this issue more surrounding traditional male/female roles. I think a majority of girls would not hide a porn interest. I also know much more about female/male relationships than homosexual relationships and don’t want to comment on something I don’t know about!
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 2:23 am K D Grace wrote:
According to a recent study, one out of three viewers of porn is a woman. There is a huge and growing market for erotica written for and by women. I realize the difference between porn and erotica. is another argument altogether. But whether it’s on the internet or packaged up with a nice pink cover for ‘the ladies,’ a rose by any other name…
The bottom line is that if we’re grown up enough to choose how we express our sexuality, we should be grown up enough to realize others, including our partners, have that choice as well.
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 2:33 am Sebastian Conolly wrote:
I don’t necessarily expect them to agree with me 100% about the extent to which most* porn is misogynist, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to respect that I feel that way, and not support something I see as hurting women, even when I’m not in the room.
*I do accept what you’re saying about the mainstream/feminst divide bring a but like the old porn/erotica one. I just wanted to acknowledge that it is theoretically possible to maknporn without the same tired old woman-hating, but I still think, based on what friends who work in the industry tell me, that it’s rare.
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 3:48 am ToppHogg wrote:
When one partner lays claim to the thoughts and activities of the other, it doesn’t matter if the thoughts and actions involve sex or Sexuagesima. It is an exercise of power and involuntary control. It is a demand to submit to the will of the other. In other words, “you WILL be who I want you to be, and not who you are.”
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 12:30 pm Lisa wrote:
I used to be married to a man who criticized me constantly about not living up to his expectations about sex. Some of that, I can see, was due to each of us not enjoying all the same things the other did. But I also think his expectations were influenced by watching porn, and developing a focus on his own pleasure that largely excluded any attention to mine.
This fits into the exceptions you list in your article. I would not be so quick to criticize anyone for a sense of insecurity with her own body. Repeated experiences like my own can lead to the mild insanity, and questioning of oneself.
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 2:11 pm Greta Christina wrote:
Sebastian: Yes, the majority of mainstream porn is sexist. The majority of mainstream television is sexist. The majority of mainstream movies are sexist. The majority of mainstream popular music is sexist. Etc. Does that mean that anyone who watches TV, goes to movies, listens to popular music, etc., is therefore suspect as a relationship partner, and that it’s reasonable to be unhappy with them for engaging in these activities — even when you’re not around?
We live in a sexist society, and much of our culture is sexist. Different people have different comfort levels with it, and different levels of compromise they’re willing to make with it. That doesn’t make them bad people, or even bad people to be in a relationship with. If someone is only willing to be involved with people who compromise on the exact same level that they do… at best, they’re going to severely and unnecessarily limit the range of people they can be involved with. At worst, it’s a sign of a seriously controlling personality.
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 2:13 pm Iamcuriousblue wrote:
“I don’t necessarily expect them to agree with me 100% about the extent to which most* porn is misogynist, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to respect that I feel that way, and not support something I see as hurting women, even when I’m not in the room.”
I think this gets into the larger issue of “mixed” relationships when it comes to a number of issues. Substitute vegetarianism, religious belief, and any number of other contested moral issues for porn, and you’d have pretty much the same issue. To my way of thinking, it you have a strong belief system to the point that this is a condition on a relationship, then one needs to lay this on the line early. Generally speaking, relationships work best between people who are on the same page about strongly-held beliefs like this.
If the partners aren’t on the same page, then you’re looking at something more challenging, and where partners are going to have to compromise with each other. But, respect and compromise are a two-way street, and I don’t think automatic deference to the partner with the more restrictive moral stance is a given. Perhaps the “non-believing” partner will think that not looking at porn, or not eating meat, or starting to attend church isn’t too much to ask for. Or perhaps its a deal-killer. Perhaps the partner with the strong belief system can live with “agree to disagree”. That’s entirely a matter between the individuals in the relationship.
But what I will say concerning porn is that if not being “allowed” to view porn is a deal-killer, that definitely does not mean that person is insufficiently “aware” about porn, or hasn’t thought about the issue, or is a porn addict who is choosing porn over a real relationship. I’ll also point out that, having been active in these debates going back to the first wave of the “porn wars”, that disagreements about porn are inevitably about more than just porn. If you’re going to condemn “mainstream porn” as overwhelmingly “misogynist”, that implies a pretty hard-line kind of feminism that’s going to raise a whole lot of other issues if you get into a relationship with somebody who doesn’t share the same commitment.
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 2:18 pm Greta Christina wrote:
Oh, forgot to mention. As to this:
Think about what you’re saying. “I think my partner shouldn’t do something that I think is hurting women — even if they don’t agree with me that it does. Even if they think my position is based on bad evidence or faulty logic, I still think they should do what I want them to do — just because I want them to. They should respect my feelings — but I have no obligation to respect theirs.”
It’s true that in relationships, we get a few “I know I’m being irrational, but I feel strongly about this, so can you please just humor me?” free passes. But when we use those free passes, we need to acknowledge that that’s what we’re doing, that we’re asking for something unreasonable and above and beyond the call of duty — and not act as if we have the moral high ground.
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 2:26 pm Greta Christina wrote:
This is an interesting point, Sara — but it also raises a “chicken and egg” question. Which came first — men’s feelings that they have to hide their porn-watching from their female partners, or women feeling excluded and like something bad is going on because their male partners are hiding their porn?
I, for one, want to just cut the whole Gordian knot. It seems like both the chicken and the egg come from the same place — the idea that watching porn is shameful and bad, something to be hidden if you do it and shamed if someone else does it.
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 3:05 pm Iamcuriousblue wrote:
“I used to be married to a man who criticized me constantly about not living up to his expectations about sex. Some of that, I can see, was due to each of us not enjoying all the same things the other did. But I also think his expectations were influenced by watching porn, and developing a focus on his own pleasure that largely excluded any attention to mine.”
In the case of somebody who is behaving in a sexually selfish and verbally abuse manner, I’d say even if they’re getting their ideas about what they enjoy from porn, that kind of behavior points to problems that go way deeper.
on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 4:04 pm Sara wrote:
Greta,
I completely agree! I think both concepts come from this idea of shame etc surrounding porn. Both partners get blamed (men for sneaking around, women for being insecure/jealous) for something that misses the core issue.
My post was more an acknowledgment that it’s not as easy as saying “you shouldn’t want control of your partner”. People often aren’t aware of why they feel a certain way so before you can break down the porn stigma you have to figure out that it is that’s actually bothering you. Often times people listen to other sources rather than paying attention to what interpersonal dynamics are going on
on Wednesday, 20 January 2010 at 9:06 am Jennifer wrote:
It’s possible that the young woman’s unease at her partner’s porn use is not just a symptom of her insecurity, but perhaps points to the fact that he may have a problem with how he uses/interacts with porn and fantasy.
on Wednesday, 20 January 2010 at 12:01 pm [Greta Christina] Is Monogamy Fair? | Blowfish Blog wrote:
[…] Contact « [Greta Christina] Can Watching Porn Be Cheating? 265d […]
on Thursday, 21 January 2010 at 12:27 am June wrote:
Wow, Vinnie, thanks for that link. I think your response was perfect. It’s sad to see that… I try to have a lot of respect for the context that kind of old-school thinking comes from (especially because I respect how different lives were for women even a few decades ago) but I never would have known the Scarleteen editor would say something that reductive and kink-negative. That shows the limits of my knowledge of that site… Doesn’t mean I’m not still deeply grateful and impressed that she made the site happen, but yes, that sentiment from her has no place on a site for young women as far as I’m concerned.
on Saturday, 23 January 2010 at 7:07 pm Paul Clarke wrote:
OMG!
This is fundamental stuff. If you have a partner and you love them, are you going to say that you reserve the right to veto how they touch themselves? Or what they watch? This is a feudal way of thinking. Morally it is in the same league as chastity belts!
Or are we going to say that because we love somebody, they must commit to only having sex with us for the whole if the rest of their lives? This is insanity. I am am man with a partner of 28 years and I have never objected when she has felt the need to have sex with somebody else. Good for her. Life is short and we all need to have fun. Having sex with someone is not the same as loving them. Love is not the same as sex.
I have used pornography since I was 12 years old, since 1961. I am not going to change now. It has never interfered with with my sex life with partners and girlfriends, on the contrary. Porn has only stimulated my fantasy life and my libido. I am not going to hunt down my partner’s vibrator collection nor am I going to object to her online photo collection of incredibly young and ripped men with amazingly large penises. Nor does she object to my online porn habits. Nor do we do anything but laugh over her lusting over George Clooney and me over Sigouney Weaver.
Sometimes I go to bed after my partner and masturbate before I go to sleep. If she wakes up she just laughs and gives me big kiss when I’ve finished. Love is not the same as sex.
on Wednesday, 27 January 2010 at 3:36 pm [Greta Christina] Porn, Relationships, and What It’s Reasonable to Ask For | Blowfish Blog wrote:
[…] A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column here about porn. I was writing in response to an advice column by Scarleteen, an answer to a letter from a young woman who was upset because her boyfriend watched porn. I posed the question, “In a monogamous relationship, is it reasonable to expect your partner not to watch porn?” And I concluded that it was not. I concluded that people have the right to watch whatever they want when they’re by themselves and on their own time, and that asking a partner not to watch porn is no more defensible then asking them not to watch reality TV or read true crime. I concluded that trying to regulate your partner’s private cultural pleasures — pornographic or otherwise — is like trying to regulate their imagination. […]
on Thursday, 28 January 2010 at 5:25 am Can Watching Porn Be Cheating? | Sex Secrets wrote:
[…] And then I started thinking about it. Read more […]
on Wednesday, 3 February 2010 at 6:36 pm Steve wrote:
I doubt that there are many girls out there who could completely satisfy a normal guys sexuality.
Perhaps they might concede to lie there like a dead fish every time he wanted sex. Probably every night and most mornings but most blokes crave variety and novelty. Without porn how can a woman accommodate that?
Most blokes would love to push the boundaries of what goes on in the bedroom: anal, light bondage, threesomes, body painting, shaving, urine play etc.
In my experience most chicks would be happy for once a week missionary sex after a nice dinner and a massage.
If your going to make the call that the bloke can’t look at porn then you have to be prepared to satisfy every kink and desire he has otherwise he’s simply going to fulfill his urgent need for novelty elsewhere.
And it is simply not acceptable that a bloke be expected to curb his libido down to the lowest common denominator.
If you don’t like your partner watching porn either put out or put up with it.
on Thursday, 6 May 2010 at 3:37 pm Joseph wrote:
I would say that I think you are wrong on one thing about jealousy - yes, I think people, too many of them, believe that they aren’t as good for their partner as masturbation. This seems, anecdotally, to come from two sides - one being men’s fear of not pleasing women (yes, most of my friends [Irish young men, early twenties, either college students or recent graduates] worry about that). We see stuff on every other ‘womens health and lifestyle’ magazine, or in newspapers like the Metro, with another survey about women faking. We’ve all watched When Harry Met Sally, and many of us have watched Shortbus (mostly because we’re friends with a big crowd of oddly humoured lesbians from the LGBT society). We know that most of the women we know masturbate, and worry that we don’t do as well. The other is from those same ‘women’s health and lifestyle’ magazines, which promote the idea that no matter what you do in bed, someone else is doing it better, and that men are obsessed with masturbation. Between these two, masturbation can seem a threat, the idea that no matter how much you try, you’re never as good with your lover as they are on their own.