[Greta Christina] 25 Things I Want (In Bed)
I am stealing this idea shamelessly from Adam Savage of “Mythbusters.” Savage did a reading at a recent Writers With Drinks event, a piece titled (if memory serves) “100 Things I Want.” You might think a piece like that would be self-involved, even whiny, interesting to nobody on Earth but the reader himself. But it was fascinating. It was inspiring. It was a loving and hilarious anthem to optimism, to possibility, to the goofy marvel of the human imagination. And giving it that extra techno- magic- realism touch, it was a whirlwind blend of things that are physically impossible, things that could only happen if Savage devoted his entire life to them, and things that would be entirely within his reach with just a little effort.
But in a freakishly glaring omission, not one of the 100 things on Adam Savage’s list was about sex. (Yeah, I know. Not everyone likes to parade their sexual desires in public. Weirdos.)
So I got inspired. And I decided to share my own list — and keep it entirely sexual. Like adding “in bed” to a fortune cookie fortune. I hope you find it funny and inspiring, and not self-involved and pointlessly confessional.
Quick set of rules: I’m limiting my list to things I genuinely would want to do — or at least that I think I’d want to do — not just things I fantasize about. I’m limiting it to things I either have never done, or haven’t done in a long, long time. This isn’t about my sex life: it’s about my sexual mind, the places my sexual desires go when unfettered by practicality. And due to space considerations, I’m limiting myself to 25.
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I want to get spanked until I cry.
I want to have sex on gym equipment.
I want to watch two guys fuck. (I’ve done this, actually; but it was years ago, and besides it was at a sex party so it kind of doesn’t count. I want to watch two guys have sex where I’m the only one watching.)
I want, at least once in my life, to have groupies. At least one groupie. I want to go on a book tour or a speaking engagement and have admiring fans throw themselves at me sexually.
I want to be able to sprout a functioning penis at will. (And, of course, to be able to make it disappear when I’m done with it.)
Pursuant to that: I want to be able to shapeshift. I want to split my tongue in two like a snake and wrap it around someone’s clit. I want to sprout extra hands, so I can pin someone down while I spread them open and fingerfuck them. I want to transform my arms and legs into tentacles and violate someone in all their holes, like a demon in a Japanese anime porno.
I want to get violated by a tentacled demon in a Japanese anime porno.
I want to spend an entire day devoted solely to sex. I don’t want to spend the entire day having sex — I think that would be exhausting and ultimately unpleasant — but I want to have a day where sex is the entire agenda. Having sex, talking about sex, reading about sex, writing about sex, eating sexy food, watching porn, having sex some more.
I want to lie back in the arms of a lover, who’s holding my arms and holding me down, while a vampire sucks my blood and then licks my clit with my blood on his tongue.
I want to act out a Christian domestic discipline fantasy. I want to pretend to be a good Christian wife, getting punished by my husband for being disobedient and not respecting his dominion over me as the Lord commands. With both of us desperately pretending to ourselves that this isn’t about sex.
I want to get caned while saying ten Hail Marys. (And I wasn’t even brought up Catholic.)
I want to act out a baron/ servant girl scene, in which I’m the baron. I want the fantasy scenario to be one in which she theoretically could leave, but desperately needs the job and feels that she can’t. I want to sit her down next to me, pull her onto my lap, begin to get inappropriate with my hands, while I explain how things are done in my home. I then want to punish her, in increasingly brutal, increasingly sexual ways, on the flimsiest of excuses, for offenses that are essentially made up. I want to tell her that it’s not enough to punish her by beating and humiliating her: I have to punish her by raping her. And then I want to rape her.
(Not for real, obviously. As part of the role-play. Just so we’re clear on that.)
I want to have sex with someone I’m telepathic with. I want to feel what they’re feeling having sex with me, and have them feel what I’m feeling having sex with them. I think the “infinite regress of two reflecting mirrors” thing could be really hot.
I want to spank someone who’s never been spanked before.
I want to spank someone who is much younger than me. Legal age, duh . . . but young enough to feel like they’re not.
I want to get punished for not knowing enough about the current news.
(Okay. I think I need to explain that one. I’ve always been gun-shy about playing with punishment, it’s a heavily loaded issue for me . . . but I’m getting increasingly intrigued by it. But I don’t want to be punished for something real and important, like missing deadlines or breaking promises. I already feel like a guilt- ridden failure at the drop of a hat. At the same time, I don’t think I could take it seriously if I were getting punished for something ridiculously trivial like not folding my T-shirts right, or for some totally fake fantasy misdeed like not doing my spelling homework. Hence, not knowing enough about the current news. It’s real, and I think it’s important . . . but it’s not going to crush my spirit if I get lectured and punished for fucking it up. And it would make watching the news kind of dirty.)
I want to have sex in the back of a moving truck.
I want to have sex in a castle.
I want to have vicious, brutal, unspeakably filthy sex with Severus Snape. (Yeah, I know. Me and fifty million other people. I’m not embarrassed at how perverse this one is. I’m embarrassed at how trite it is.)
I want to watch people having wild, intense sex . . . while I’m tied to a chair, unable to participate or even touch myself.
I want to be the center of attention in a gang bang.
I want to have a sex buddy with whom I only have sex. Show up at their place; do it like rabbits; leave. Don’t ever see them until the next time we fuck. Don’t ever talk about anything else.
I want to have sex that feels non-consensual, even though it’s not.
I want to have bruises from a spanking that last more than a day.
I want to act out one of my erotic stories with someone. In every detail. I’m not sure which story; I’m not even sure it matters. I just want to know what it feels like to be inside one of the scenarios that I’ve spent so much time and care fleshing out.
•
I think that’s enough for one day.
So what about you? What do you want?
This entry was posted on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 10:59 am and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 11:55 am Ayzie wrote:
Well if you come to the east coast and do something when I don’t have midterms or something I will throw myself at you. *taps foot impatiently*
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 1:36 pm Rona wrote:
I want to take a cold shower after reading your list.
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 2:27 pm arensb wrote:
Well, have you posted your tour dates yet?
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 2:31 pm D wrote:
Be a billionaire and have a harem of beautiful women to serve me in various ways throughout my day. One for quick sex between wake up and bathing. More to watch walk around nude all day. A couple more to keep me company in the hottub with champagne. Finally, two for two-on-one sex with me before retiring.
Have two young gay men blow me in a public shower. Then I would fuck one of them.
Be the teacher of a desperate and failing female student who wants to fuck for a grade.
Have a harem of women who are all desperate to be made pregnant by me–and none of whom know I’m shooting blanks. I’d have all kinds of kinky non-vaginal sex with them all, letting them compete to be the one who gets my jiz in her pussy.
Have two women play cock roulette. One sucks me for 30 seconds, then the other one fucks me for 30 seconds. Each one desperate to “win.”
Not very shocking stuff, really. :)
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 3:23 pm Blake Stacey wrote:
I want to live in a Ghost in the Shell cyberpunk future where I can own multiple prosthetic bodies, so I can look like L from Death Note during the working day and then switch to the Motoko Kusanagi model when I go out on the town Friday night.
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 3:35 pm Rick wrote:
Wow! Great list. While I can only personally get into about half of them, I certainly can understand your desire for them all.
And this part is for Ingrid–you are an amazingly supportive partner such that Greta can publish this kind of list. I totally envy the relationship that the two of you have together.
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 5:10 pm The Uncredible Hallq wrote:
Tempted to second Ayzie and arensb, though I’m not sure what I could say that wouldn’t make me feel ridiculous.
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 5:43 pm John wrote:
Wow, and here I thought I was odd for hanging out at a tentacle-rape-roleplay-writing website…(and also being a moderator there okay jeez)
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 7:57 pm Nick wrote:
I want to be fucked in the ass by a well hung guy while his wife sucks my cock.
I want to go shoe shopping with a woman and then have her spend the rest of the day wearing nothing but the shoes she just bought.
I want a mistress to use my cock to torture her unwilling slave
on Wednesday, 19 August 2009 at 11:11 pm Blake Stacey wrote:
OK, it’s time for the inevitable question:
Can Professor Snape use polyjuice potion to turn into a tentacle monster and discipline a Christian housewife? Inquiring minds want to know.
on Thursday, 20 August 2009 at 3:33 am HDBHG wrote:
I want to have sex with a significantly older woman who has children. Oh wait, I did that yesterday! Oo-yea, scratch that off my list! :)
Sorry, couldn’t help myself! :)
on Thursday, 20 August 2009 at 12:27 pm nani wrote:
“I want to have sex with someone I’m telepathic with. I want to feel what they’re feeling having sex with me, and have them feel what I’m feeling having sex with them. I think the “infinite regress of two reflecting mirrors” thing could be really hot.”
this sounds awesome. pretty sure it’s going on my list of “greatest fantasies ever that will never be fulfilled.”
on Thursday, 20 August 2009 at 2:16 pm L wrote:
I’m 26 (young enough??) & I would to go an event and shamelessly throw myself at you in a heartbeat- just come to the DC area… I’d also be happy to help with several other things on the list… ;)
on Thursday, 20 August 2009 at 4:53 pm Susie Bright wrote:
I want to cane you while you say ten Hail Mary’s. And it better be realistic. I don’t even know if I can be bothered with someone who wasn’t raised on their knees FOR REAL. ;-)
I want to wear a nun costume. I want you in some completely humiliating school girl outfit. I want you to call me Sister Jude. And I never want to talk about it again.
Funny how I can respond to a list like this but I don’t know if I could create one. I am too intent on being thwarted and denied.
on Saturday, 22 August 2009 at 12:23 pm chicago dyke wrote:
you’d better stop this, you know. making me love you, that is. i’m hot, slim, talented in bed, and pretty smart. don’t make me come after you and prove it.
very nice post. and pic! the japanese are so advanced when it comes to pr0n. for all many of them are misogynists. where did you find it and are there more?
on Sunday, 23 August 2009 at 5:23 pm Laura wrote:
My Main Squeeze and I just had the most awesome time reading Your 25.
He says “I want to be one of your groupies. And get spanked for not cheering emphatically enough.” :D
We both laughed out loud at ’sprout a functioning penis’. I hear ya. I could totally go for that and have fantasized about that before. Shape shifting in general sounds very luscious and eminently useful.
Along the Octopus Fantasy line, I have fantasized about being fucked by a demon. This fantasy was born while watching Legend. The Darkness, played fittingly by Tim Curry, was so damn sexy. In the fantasy, the demon forcefully french kisses me and his tongue goes through my body and pushes on my g-spot and out my pussy and plays with my clit.
Phew! :)
on Monday, 24 August 2009 at 7:38 pm northern pervert wrote:
…sigh…i just want to be you …. ;-)
on Sunday, 30 August 2009 at 8:02 pm Quinapalus wrote:
I think just the sentence:
I think the “infinite regress of two reflecting mirrors” thing could be really hot.
is really hot.
@chicago dyke: The octopus print, entitled Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife, was created by the famous painter and printmaker Hokusai in the early 19th century. There was an extensive tradition of erotic art from that period, though most of it is on more conventional subjects, which is one reason this particular print is so famous.
I share several other readers’ startlement that the author of “Are We Having Sex Now Or What?” doesn’t already have as many groupies as she cares to have, but I can see the situation is already beginning to correct itself.
I’m kind of fascinated by the nuances and ambiguities of sexual privacy. Realistically I know that some large fraction of people have no interest in sex beyond getting off. Idealistically I cherish the fiction that everyone I pass on the street has something that gets them all bothered that I would never guess in a million years. And I’m so curious, but I suspect that if I heard everybody’s, the magic would wear off. How many confessions would be enough but not too many? I’m not likely to find out. In the meantime, Greta steps bravely out of this gap with a few choice perversions to share.
Along these lines: I want to watch my friends have sex. More. Several of my friends discuss their sex lives freely; a few have been open enough to go beyond the telling to the showing, and it’s hella fun. I would love to get a more intimate peek at the people I know well.
My neighbors are about to move out. I want my new neighbors to have fun loudly sometimes. I’ve never been cursed with neighbors who did this excessively, so perhaps I’m idealizing it, but when I’m just going about my tedious business, or even having a bad day, and I’m suddenly made aware that other people are having fun, SLAP, it just throws a huge, goofy smile on my face. (Fine! I’m an incorrigible voyeur! What about it??)
Since I already have a functioning penis, my angle on the shapeshifting fantasy is that I want to be able to vary its size and shape at will. Imagine being able to put on just the right amount of G-spot stimulation at just the right time! I’ve always assumed that every other SF-reading pervert has had exactly the same thoughts.
I want my lover to tell me to pack a bottle of champagne and some strawberries, nectarines and a mango, and dress for a hike. Halfway to wherever we’re going, without interrupting the conversation, she takes off her shirt and hands it to me. A little later, her bra, then her shorts, then her undies. We reach an improbably picturesque meadow and spread out a blanket; I strip to my boots too, and we sip our wine and nibble our fruit. And then we fuck amidst the sunshine and butterflies.
I want to drag my lover out of our hotel room and into the stairwell, and up to the top where there’s only a metal railing, some pipes and a locked door that would have given us roof access. And then bend her over that railing and pound her proper.
I want to take my lover to a party, find a spare bedroom, and turn the lights down very low. I want to sit outside this room and choose people to let in. When someone is let into this room, they have to wait a minute while their eyes adjust, and when they do, they see my sweetie with her ass in the air, waiting to be taken. She trusts my judgment because I know all her types.
I also want to be let into this room. To find my own sweetie, or someone else’s. Either is fine.
I want to put wrist and ankle cuffs on my lover on Friday night, and take them off Monday morning. If we want to go out, we can camouflage them with long sleeves/pants so as not to drag other people into our scene. Or we can stay home. Mostly we’ll cook and read the paper and catch up on the Netflix queue, but when the mood takes me, I’ll tie the cuffs to the bedposts or the legs of the couch or the picnic table out on the patio and use her as I please. I nurtured this fantasy for years and years before I let myself realize that it was about making her a temporary slave, and when I did, the word hit me like a slap in the face. It is what it is, though.
on Sunday, 30 August 2009 at 8:20 pm Greta Christina wrote:
Quinapalus, are you by any chance a fan of Douglas Hofstadter?
on Monday, 31 August 2009 at 4:47 am Quinapalus wrote:
Hah! This is how senile I am: my mind went straight to Richard Hofstadter, of whom I am an equally big fan. But yes, GEB was a crucial formative experience in my early teens, though it was my only exposure to him. I’m a Buddhist because of experiences in my late undergrad years, but it’s entirely possible that my brief teenage affair with Zen, courtesy of GEB, was what paved the way. Presumably the book is also responsible for my weaknesses for recursive humor and Magritte.
Anyway, I’m back from dinner with more wants stumbling around in the attic:
I want to take a passive bi girl, strap a dildo on her, bend another delicious babe over in front of her, and watch her face as, somewhere deep in her hips, the impulse to thrust into somebody awakens. (Bi girls, let me know if this isn’t what it’s like.)
I want to recruit a couple of friends to help wear out one of my lovers. She has more stamina than I do, though I’ve never been sure how much more. Three (including me) seems like a good number: they can each hold an ankle and a wrist while I fuck her, then I can help hold her down while they each get a turn. If she outlasts all three of us, by that time I might be ready to go again. Or maybe four, so there’s someone to hold the camcorder.
On that note, I want to submit a film to HUMP, though it’s not looking good for this year.
Now that SF apparently finally has a hometown equivalent, IXFF — or rather, Good Vibes does, which is close enough for me — I’d settle for being able to figure out the freaking schedule. Is it really a single screening on a Thursday night? Really??
I have more dildos than anybody needs. I want to sort them by diameter, start with the smallest, and an hour or so later have my lover whimpering and squirming as she takes the largest.
Oh, and @Nick: it wasn’t quite “the rest of the day”, but I did go shoe shopping with one of my sweeties not long ago, specifically for shoes to fool around in when we got home, and it was a hoot. Recommended!
on Tuesday, 1 September 2009 at 2:58 pm Cand86 wrote:
I love your list! It actually inspired me to write my own: http://pop-shot.blogspot.com/2009/08/25-things-i-want-in-bed.html
on Saturday, 19 September 2009 at 8:41 pm Proudfemme wrote:
I want to have hot, sweaty sex in a public bathroom… Again.
I want my girlfriend to fingerfuck me in my old church while the whole congregation hears me screaming.
I want her to shove me in a corner in some grocery store and find the biggest cucumber they have to fill me up with.
I want to be whipped and chained to the wall, clad only in my lace garter belt and red patent heels.
I want to wear a leather corset out and about, only to have it unlaced in a dressing room for the sole purpose of having my tits sucked.
I want my straight guy friend to sit there to watch me play with myself, him knowing he can’t and won’t have me. That might be a little too mean though.
I want to be tossed on the bed and raped consensually by my gf.
I want to find some willing person to chain up and whip.
I want her to draw blood when she bites my neck.
I’m starting to think I may have some deep seated issues with control LOL.