The Blowfish Blog

Caught in the Net: Special Days

In honor of the just-passed St. Valentine’s Day (and the even-more-recently passed President’s Day, which gave some of you lucky Americans a three-day weekend), it’s time for another look at holidays — the fun kind. And, sure, there’s a lot of bitterness associated with Valentine’s Day as a made-up Hallmark holiday (though, really, Geoffrey Chaucer is the one who pretty much invented it — check out the Wikipedia entry for the holiday for the amusing details), but any excuse to eat chocolate and screw should be embraced. If you nevertheless find yourself sickened by the whole notion of Valentine’s Day, take a page from Warren Ellis and call it “Horny Werewolf Day” instead: “Valentine’s Day is a Christian corruption of a pagan festival involving werewolves, blood and fucking. So wish people a happy Horny Werewolf Day and see what happens.” (He’s talking about the ancient festival of Lupercalia, celebrated on February 15, which is definitely close enough for jazz.)

Following hot on the heels of V-Day is Steak and Blowjob Day on March 14, which I’ve mentioned here before; basically it’s a male reaction to the hearts-and-flowers of Valentine’s Day. Of course, women are just as much into sex and food as men, and so some of them have declared April 14 Cake and Cunnilingus Day (or Muffins and Muff Diving Day, Pudding and Pussy Licking Day, Candy and Clit-Licking Day, etc.). I say let the carnal holidays multiply! If things go on, eventually December 14 will be Apple Cobbler and Ass-Fucking Day, and what could be better than that?

Though pirates, as an internet meme, are largely passé, it’s still worth mentioning that November 23 is Fuck Like A Pirate Day (certainly it’s potentially more fun than Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19). What, exactly, it means to fuck like a pirate is unclear, but it likely involves wenches and grog, with optional peg legs and cat-o-nine-tails. (Cats-o-nine-tails? Plurals are so complicated.)

Disappointed with the holidays other people have come up with, but lacking in the time or creativity to come up with your own? Fear not. The internet is here to help. Specifically the Sexual Holidays generator. Just enter a date, a food, and a sex act, and the generator will create a holiday for you! (Well. If it works. It keeps throwing errors every time I try it, but I like the list of sex acts anyway — “The Camel Clutch”? “The Ghetto Pocket Rocket”? “The Glass Bottom Boat”? Even if you can’t make the generator work, you can entertain yourself plugging those phrases into Google for a while . . .)

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, 20 February 2008 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Caught in the Net. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.