The Blowfish Blog

[Caught in the Net] Phallacious

This week is devoted to the penis, and also to mushrooms, but not to mushrooms that grow on the penis, because that’s nasty, and not something I would ever have thought about, except: some unrelated Googling turned up this question on a health website about a woman who found tiny white mushrooms growing on her boyfriend’s cock. No one had any explanations for her understandably panicky question. One can only pray it was some kind of a joke.

First, some non-mushroom-related penis sites, because I want to put a little space between that last link and any further mention of fungi. How about a round-up of Seven Famous Penises in History, from John Holmes to John Wayne Bobbit to Rasputin to . . . a character in the Disney cartoon The Little Mermaid. On the same site, a rather less interesting but still intermittently amusing list of The Ten Most Common Varieties of Human Penis, with an emphasis on comparing shapes to household objects.

Then there’s the largest penis in the world, a sculpture in China, which makes one wonder just what exactly that artist was trying to compensate for . . .

Are you writing some smut, and getting sick of using “cock” and “dick” over and over? If only there were some sort of thesaurus devoted entirely to other names for the penis . . . Like the one found at Woody’s World of Penis Euphemisms. From old familiar favorites like “love muscle” and “one-eyed trouser snake” to more outr• expressions like “meat cigar” and “cream cannon,” you’ll never want for an alternative expression again.

Of course, many of those euphemisms involve mushrooms, from “mushroom-tipped love dart” to “magenta mushroom” and many more. The link between cock and fungus is obvious — there are lots of mushrooms that look like penises, from long and flaccid to plump and pert. The Stinkhorn mushroom is notoriously phallus-shaped, so much so that the scientific name for the family is Phallaceae.

There are rumors, however, about one particular mushroom in Hawaii, which is reputedly an aphrodisiac for women, and one so powerful it can cause spontaneous orgasms in women who merely smell it. Here’s another article about the mystical mushrooms in question. I was just in Hawaii a couple of weeks ago — I wish I’d known about this then! Could’ve gone shrooming. (Though apparently men find the odor repulsive. Still, my wife might have appreciated the effort . . .)

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, 24 September 2008 at 11:28 am and is filed under Caught in the Net. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.