The Blowfish Blog

Caught in the Net: Assume the Position

There’s a certain mystique to sexual positions, a belief that the right position will take your sex life into new worlds of stratospheric bliss. Even if you don’t think there is some Ultimate Sexual Position that will take you through the gates of paradise, there’s no doubt that variety is an important spice in any sex life, and if you never do anything but missionary, you’re missing out. Now, you can try to homebrew positions, experimenting with your partner and whatever furniture and/or structural supports you have around the house, or you can do what any curious cyber-savvy consenting adult can do in this day and age, and turn to the all-knowing Internet for your positional education.

Men’s Health magazine is a good place to start, with their online “Position Master,” which allows you to choose among several variables, including “Dominant Thruster,” “G-Spot Stimulation,” “Physical Rigorousness,” “Ejaculation Control,” and “Flexability Level” (and, yes, they do misspell “Flexibility” in exactly that way). Enter your choices, hit “find position,” and discover whether you’d be better off using Seated Rear Entry, Standing Wheelbarrow, Squatted Kneeling, or something more exotic. The descriptive text for each position is fairly detailed about benefits and drawbacks, and the drawings are tasteful and clear.

If you’re feeling more ambitious, though . . . When it comes to sexual positions, the classic Indian sex manual The Kama Sutra is still the best guidebook. But can the Internet possibly make the Kama Sutra better? We’re not sure, but it can certainly make it more animated — with The Animated Kama Sutra. Pick a position, and watch an animation of two naked red polygon-people demonstrate, from the Cobra to The Mixture of Sesamum Seed with Rice to The Lovemaking of the Crow. It certainly shows the intersection of moving parts better than the elegant illustrations in our printed-on-paper version, but red polygon people copulating are not the sexiest thing imaginable.

Sex Tutor’s guide to Sex in Space is far more whimsical, with amusing (if somewhat crude) illustrations for, well, having sex in zero gravity. (They don’t tell you this, but bukkake is a bad idea, unless you want to spend the rest of your hitch in the space station dodging floating globules of jizz!) There’s some inventive thought given here to both the possibilities of weightlessness (you can hold your partner up while you shag her without difficulty) and to the difficulties (unless you hold on to something or strap yourself down, you’re going to go flying across the capsule with the first thrust). Sure, these aren’t the most immediately useful sex tips in the world, but if you ever find yourself in outer space with a ready and willing partner, won’t you be glad you gave the page a look?

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, 28 February 2007 at 4:47 pm and is filed under Caught in the Net. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.