The Blowfish Blog

Caught in the Net: A Bestiary

Fear not, this column isn’t about bestiality. (Well, I mean, not exactly.) In the middle ages, bestiaries were illustrated volumes of animals (and plants and occasionally rocks), often including implausible creatures like dragons, unicorns, and cockatrices (that is, a rooster with the tail of a lizard — not a creature that has three cocks, though that would certainly be worthy of a bestiary; even the noble wombat only has a two-headed penis). And even though we’ve subsequently discovered no factual basis for the existence of fire-breathing dinosaurs or horned horses, such fanciful creatures continue to possess a potent hold over the human imagination. And, like all things involving the human imagination, sex inevitably seeps in.

Symbolically speaking, unicorns are associated with purity and innocence (and often Christ), and the legend that only a virgin can touch a unicorn is well known. Horses, on the other hand, are potent symbols of sexuality, and since unicorns are most often depicted as horses with long rods on their heads . . . well, let’s just say some sexual implications are bound to pop up. Unicorn porn is alive and well in the virtual online world Second Life, you can acquire your very own incredibly adorable pet baby unicorn . . . but the only way to get it is to let an adult unicorn fuck you. That’s right — you bend over for the stallion, and once he’s had his way with you, you get a cute baby version of your sexual partner. You can also get reamed by a nightmare (a black horse), a stone demon, and a spider, and acquire other babies as a result. Isn’t the future a wonderful place?

Unicorns have their partisans, but few fantasy creatures have the ubiquitous power and influence of the dragon. Mighty, intelligent lizards, capable of breathing flame or spitting acid, wise, crafty, avaricious, long-lived . . . and some of them like to fuck cars. At least, if you look at the drawings in the directory linked above, that’s the impression you’ll get. The artwork is best described as “enthusiastically amateurish,” but is dragon/car slash really a subject that would benefit from the application of profound artistic talent? It’s such an odd little niche fetish that it’s tempting to say it must be a joke . . . but then I reflect on the fact that stranger things have been known to turn reasonable people on, and reserve judgment.

Tentacle porn could perhaps be lumped into this same taxonomy of sex-with-fantasy-creatures, though tentacled monsters owe more to the pulp horror of H.P. Lovecraft and his imitators than to older myths and legends. Still, it’s close enough to excuse a link to this wonderful Tentacle Hentai Birthday Cake. Now that’s art.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, 12 September 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Caught in the Net. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.