Now, don’t get me wrong — I’m all about gratuitous nudity and explicit sex. Few things make me happier. But there’s something to be said for the tease, and for subverting the expectations of a porn-jaded audience, and I bring you a few such enjoyable examples.
Consider the strange and amusing wonder of PG Porn from director James Gunn, which combines some of my favorite porn stars (like Belladonna and Sasha Grey and Roxy DeVille) and beloved actors (like Nathan Fillion and Alan Tudyk!) for short films that include all the qualities of porno . . . except for the sex. There’s bad acting, bad dialogue, and highly creative avoidance of the seemingly-inevitable sex.
Boob-happy tabloid Zoo has a great feature called “Strip, Please” (formerly called “Sex-Ray Specs”). The setup is pure genius: gorgeous models are photographed, fully glothed, doing some mundane task — ironing, gardening, getting ready for a night on the town — and are then photographed again, with the scene exactly the same, except they’re topless (and down to underwear otherwise). Enjoy, you nude housework fetishists! The series uses the power of art to charge everyday situations with erotic power! Also: yay, boobies!
What could be more wholesome than the Bible? (Which is, of course, a book full of war, slavery, massacre, genocide . . . but I’m getting distracted from my point.) Of course, there were still slammin’ hotties — to use the vernacular of our times — in the days of the Bible, and better yet, many of those Biblical women have been depicted on screen and elsewhere by hot modern ladies. Hence, the top 10 hottest babes of the Bible. “They liked to drink wine, many of them were into sexual immorality and they were topless all the time.” They make a good case!
How do wholesome people feel about porn? It stands to reason that people who oppose pornography wouldn’t look at it, let along pay money to see it . . . But a study released earlier this year indicates that conservatives love their porn. Turns out there’s not much difference in porn consumption in the various states of the USA . . . but that means red staters look at just as much porn as the heathens in the big coastal cities. And Utah, arguably the most conservative state we’ve got, was the leader, with about five and a half porno subscriptions per thousand broadband users. And that’s not counting the ones who watch the free stuff . . .
What’s so great about being wholesome, anyway?
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The good people at excellent sex blog Fleshbot recently put up a nice little gallery of tart cards, the hooker advertisements you find in London phone booths. (There’s a whole book of them you can buy, too.) They’re a lot more charming than ads on Craigslist or the ads in the back of the free weekly paper, you know?
These rather elemental illustrations of the phrase “sex sells” — in this case, sex sells sex — reminded me that I had some nice advertising links piling up, so here are a few attempts to use the body in all its splendor to make you buy stuff or do things:
The Australian booze purveyor Skinny Blonde Beer has a boob-tastic website, which is fitting, considering their advertising gimmick. Their bottle label features a buxom blonde in a bikini, but as the beer warms up, her bikini disappears, leaving her topless. (Yes, just like those old novelty pens where the clothes on the ladies disappear.) There’s a “six pack” of real women on the website who magically disrobe if you click on a thermometer to raise the temperature. Nice to see the mystic and eternal association between beer and breasts in advertising continue.
While we’re on the subject of beverages, how about a tall cold can of pussy? That’s Pussy Natural Energy drink, so called because the name “shocks and demands attention.” Leaving aside the question of whether the word “pussy” is really that shocking to anyone in their target demographic, if the naming ploy is successful, imagine the names we could see on the sides of cans in the future — Cunt Cola, Anus Ale, Taint Ice Tea . . . the mind teems with possibilities. (I gotta say, though: it’s no Tentacle Grape. Clever beats merely vulgar every time.)
Finally, a little public shaming using larger-than-life body parts. This Chinese ad campaign, featuring giant images of ass cheeks with garbage and sewer pipes emerging from their sensitive areas, is meant to discourage people from dumping sewage into waterways, apparently a large problem over there. It’s a rather more socially aware reason for oversized nudity than, say, a five-story high billboard orgy meant to sell jeans. Not that I have anything against scantily-clad giants.
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In the course of my usual weekly wanderings through the various sex blogs, I came across a variety of kink I’d never encountered before — at least, never under a formal name: Clothed Female, Naked Male (or CFNM, as the internet prefers to abbreviate it). The concept isn’t new, even expressed this way; the Wikipedia entry for CFNM was created back in 2006. It’s just one of those little niches that escaped my notice until now, but it’s never too late to expand one’s horizons . . .
The concept is sort of fem-domish, with women dressed (and thus in power) while the men in the scenario are nude, or are forced to undress. There’s an element of humiliation in some cases, obviously. The top site of the bunch according to the magic of Google, is CNFM.net, “Clothed Female Nude Male Adventures”, which has some photosets enacting various scenarios, from naked swim meets to secret society initiations to plain old blackmail situations. (Attractive women never blackmail me for sex. Probably because I’m too virtuous and they can’t find any good material to use against me.) It’s a pay site, but there are enough sample images to give you the gist, and maybe provide some ideas for activities at the next company picnic . . .
Fans of forced male undressing might enjoy the photographs of David Blázquez, which feature naked guys used as furniture, like the human table photo above (though personally I’m partial to the living bookshelf!). The text of the website is in Spanish, so I can’t comment on his artistic intentions, but the results are certainly striking.
Adidas footwear — of all things — is happily complicit in males undressing at your command. Their website currently features a “Jersey Swap” . . . game? promotion? masturbation aid? . . . where you can choose any two of five athletes to swap shirts with one another. You’re rewarded with a video of them approaching one another and stripping off their jerseys. You can even watch a slow-motion replay, which makes it clear someone working on this campaign knew what they were up to.
And while it doesn’t involve compulsory nudity — except insofar as a photographer told some model to take his clothes off — I should also link to these photographs of a buff guy modeling Adidas shoes . . . and nothing else. If that doesn’t make you want to buy athletic shoes, nothing will.
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I’ve had a few things in my bookmarks folder that I wasn’t exactly sure how to classify. They weren’t porn per se, but they definitely had elements that made me suspect they’d be titillating if viewed by the right set of eyes — erotic content being in the eye of the beholder, as it were.
Science fiction writer Charles Stross wrote a journal entry called “Rule 34″ that helped crystallize the notion in my mind. (Rule 34, for short-time readers, is “If it exists, there is porn of it.”) While reading about a guy who writes (parody) stories about Roy Orbison being mummified in Saran wrap, Charlie postulated “a rule 34.1: Anything on the internet can be construed as filth, by a mind that’s sufficiently warped.”
I’ve found this to be the case. Many sort-of-weird stories online are slanted with a, “This is sure to appeal to {fill in the blank} fetishists.” Like this pretty awesome high-speed video footage of people sneezing in ultra-slow motion. It’s a public service announcement about not spreading germs, but it must be delicious drawn-out erotica to the sneeze-fetish crowd. (Doubt the existence of such a crowd? I’ve documented them before, but here’s a link to some sneeze porn video favorites.)
Japan is usually the go-to country for weird and vaguely sexualized theme restaurants, but let us turn our attention now to Latvia, home of a hospital-themed restaurant where you can be served food on operating room containers by waitresses in nurse uniforms (with appropriately short skirts) while sitting in booths made of converted hospital beds. It’s either odd, creepy, or titillating, depending on your predilections.
What could be more innocent than the Muppets, beloved icons of puppetry and childhood amusement? Well, to be honest, the Muppets always worked on a couple of levels, making jokes the kids might miss but that adults could laugh at. Still, Jim Henson never did a burlesque version of The Muppet Show; we had to wait for some good people in Los Angeles to come up with that one. Miss Piggy was halfway to burlesque anyway, but to transform Fozzie Bear, Rizzo the rat, and of course the great Gonzo into burlesque figures requires some creative genius; it sounds like a hell of a show, and, of course, it’s an erotic smorgasbord for all those people with deep-seated Swedish Chef fantasies.
Go forth and enjoy the world, my friends, and remember: smut is where you find it.
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The remake of Star Trek is a bona fide box office smash, providing yet one more demonstration of the fact that the geeks have inherited the Earth (or at least the media). For myself, I liked the movie, except for the sexism and the fact that the science (and thus the science-propelled plot) didn’t make a lick of sense. This seems a good time to link to io9’s nice compilation: “To Boldly Go There: A History Of Star Trek Porn, With Clips”. They cover both the early days of Kirk/Spock slash fanfic and erotic comics, but the image-heavy goodness comes with the advent of Trek-based porno movies. I can’t tell you if this is a definitive list, but for those interested in anally violating the Prime Directive, there’s plenty to enjoy.
While we’re on the subject of space, there’s an image of a nebula that has been described as a “Cosmic Hand Reaching for the Light”, but those with a filthier turn of mind think it looks like a space-orifice about to be fisted by a stellar glove. Such a fundamentally human thing, isn’t it, to look at the stars in the sky and see our Earthly concerns reflected there?
Maxim put together a list of 50 Years of Geek Goddesses, drawn from science fiction films over the decades. Thus, these are specifically women perceived as goddesses by geeks, not geeks who are also goddesses; that would be a different, and probably largely non-overlapping, list. Still, I’m not one to sneer at Megan Fox in her short-shorts or Diana Rigg in a catsuit of Charisma Carpenter in, well, anything.
There’s more to geek life than movies, of course, and one other important facet is games. I’ve been following the intersection of game technology and sex irregularly here for a while, and I’ve got another installment: The SOM, a hands-free masturbation device that synchs up with erotic game Cross Days and, ah, makes climactic moments even more dramatic. There’s a version for boys and for girls! (Or boys who like robo-pegging.) Personally, the thought of entrusting my private pleasure to a machine attached to a game is a bit terrifying, but maybe I’m just getting old. I’ll wait for reports from the early adopters.
A final bit of geeky self-pleasuring paraphernalia: this gorgeous steampunk vibrator, which can run on compressed air or on actual steam; though when used with actual steam it apparently becomes flesh-searingly hot, so that’s not as practical. This is, alas, an art object, not something you can run out and buy. But maybe the engineer in your life can make you one?
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Last Sunday was Mother’s Day, and while as a wholesome son I called my mother and wished her well, and as a grateful father I took the mother of my children out for a night on the town (because a night away from the children is the best gift a mother can receive!), as an internet sex website columnist, this is an obvious time to see what the internet has to offer in the way of dirtier motherly love . . .
We’ve had the term “MILF” for a decade now, since it was first used (or at least popularized) in raunchy teen sex movie American Pie, and the world of porn is positively awash in MILF-related imagery, with dedicated websites (of which MILFHunter.com is probably the most famous) and countless porn DVDs. The rise of MILFdom is fascinating, but I’m not here to delve into the psychological causes of lusting after older women — I’m here to show that moms are worth lusting after!
Starting with the less prurient side of things, here’s a list of Hollywood’s Hottest Moms, including Halle Berry and Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham and Heidi Klum and, of course, Angelina Jolie.
Angelina’s also on the list of the Sexiest . . . and Scariest . . . Movie Moms, which focuses on the momshell characters played by various actresses, specifically for her role as the monster’s mother in the animated film of Beowulf. (Being a monster’s mother got her on the sexiest list, not the scariest list, by the way.)
Enough of mostly-dressed celebrities: Fleshbot came through with a list of Top Ten Amateur MILF Sex Videos, full of raunchy goodness. Remember, moms only became moms because they had sex! Though some of the sex acts depicted here aren’t, uh, physiologically likely to produce any offspring . . .
Okay, all that above is a bit objectifying, so let’s end on a more empowering note, shall we? The Babeland Blog is devoting the Month of May to its second annual Sexy Mom Blogs event, with lots of links to hot blogs by hot mommies and heaps of entries on their own blog. As a sample, last year in May, their blog had a great piece on Sexy Moms of Old, with erotic moms going way back to the Venus figurines and assorted fertility goddesses. Mama mia!
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It’s May, finally, which means spring is here (you can keep your equinoxes, for me, May 1st is the beginning of the warm time). Granted, it’s rainy and windy here in Oakland as I write, but I now hold the knowledge of imminent spring in my heart. And also my pants.
As every year, I began the morning of May 1st listening to “First of May” by the inimitable Jonathan Coulton (that link takes you to a video of a live performance). The imminently sing-along-able chorus goes, “First of May, First of May, outdoor fucking starts today,” and I think that’s a sentiment we can all heartily embrace.
To begin, then, some pictures of beautiful people naked outside! Here’s a nice photo set of some of the adorable Abbywinters.com girls taking an increasingly nude hike, which is understandable, since walking does make one overheat and wish to divest oneself of clothing.
Fleshbot recently compiled a list of the Top 10 Amateur Outdoor Sex Videos, because sometimes you just can’t waste the time it takes to get a room. We can also thank Fleshbot for this collection of the Top Ten Springtime Videos, with lots of gardens full of lovely flowers merrily cross-pollinating, if you know what I’m saying, and I think you do.
While the lovely outdoor atmosphere in many of those videos is mostly incidental, you really have to admire the scenery in this video, unromantically titled “Romantic As Fuck.” Any couple that takes the time and trouble to reach such a lovely location in order to get intimate — and arrange to have it filmed, no less — deserves our accolades.
May 1st is, of course, the ancient holiday known as Beltane (or as my friend H. would rightly insist, “Bealtaine Lá”), and my own beloved wife wrote a marvelous article about the significance and history and modern celebrations of the day: “Beltane”, by Heather Shaw. When I first met her, she was working on that article; I flirted by asking if she needed, ahem, any help with her research, wink wink nudge nudge. And yet for some reason she agreed to go out with me anyway! So I have some positive personal associations with this day.
Alas, I failed utterly in my attempt to find any photos or videos of people dancing nude around a maypole! You’d think nudity and outsized phallic symbols with incidental ribbon bondage would be all over the internet, but my google-fu failed to turn anything up. You know what this means, people: get in your backyards and celebrate spring and upload those photos and videos so I don’t have this problem next year!
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