The Blowfish Blog

Mastering Your Domain

It’s National Masturbation Month! If you can’t make it to any of the many Masturbate-a-thons being held in the US (mostly in San Francisco and Portland Oregon, naturally), you can still have a good time. We’re here to help.

First, you need to know the lingo. Here’s a list of Slang Terms for Masturbation to help you out. Sure, you know “Spank the Monkey,” but do you know “Pat the Robertson” or “Play Tug of War with Cyclops” or “Hand to Gland Combat”? And for you ladies out there, do you know “Squeezing the Peach” or “Hitchhiking South”? Popular legend says the Inuit have dozens of word for snow, but that’s nothing — English speakers have hundreds of terms for self-pleasure. (In truth, the Inuit don’t actually have any more words for snow than English does. See, you learned something other than new terms for jerking off today!)

Now that you can talk the talk, we’ll help you spank the spank. In terms of practical advice, we direct your attention to Advanced Masturbation. This site extensively documents various methods for wanking, complete with helpful images. From the “Full-Fist Grip” to the “Palm, Belly, and Penis Sandwich” and on through, ahem, “Intercourse Style Masturbation with Couch” (remind me not to couch-surf at that guy’s house), these should keep you occupied for a while. Some of these techniques require props. Treat yourself!

The site above doesn’t address female masturbation, more’s the pity, but all is not lost. H.L. Shaw (who is, coincidentally, the Blowfish book buyer and editor of Fishnet) wrote a classic how-to essay on the subject, “Fluffin’ the Muffin”, which should help any women who aren’t sure how to begin, or who wish to expand their repertoires.

Want to know how other people masturbate? Where there’s a website, there’s a way. Visit My Masturbation, which features true masturbation stories from a thousand real people (or so it says). Some of the “stories” are really just brief comments, but others are more involved, and the categories are mind-boggling. There are three stories from women who masturbate with hot dogs, and three who use cell phones. Four stories of men who jerk off with the aid of foam balls, and eight who use panty hose. That’s just scratching the surface. Screw necessity — the quest for orgasm is the real mother of invention.

Until next week, play nice!

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, 16 May 2007 at 10:51 am and is filed under Ask Blowfish. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.