The Blowfish Blog

The Couple’s Couch: The Challenge

Everyone here at Blowfish is just ecstatic to welcome back our former toy buyer, Rebekah Skoor, in her new role: as a columnist for the Blowfish Blog! Her column, “The Couple’s Couch,” will appear every Friday.

I’ve been pondering the idea writing a sex column for years. After all, I didn’t sweat through years of a master’s degree in human sexuality just to field friendly queries about butt-plugs and fisting at dinner parties. But the lurking truth of the matter always sneaks up and undermines my writing confidence; the truth being that a master’s degree in sexuality does not a sex-master make. Sure, I’ve spent years working through other people’s sex issues behind the thin veil of professional distance, but on some tear away I feel that sex writers should be invincible in the bedroom if they are to be taken at their word. I mean, you wouldn’t trust a barista who drinks nothing but tea or a hair stylist with a terrible perm, so shouldn’t I be held to the same standard of professionalism?

Despite my best intentions, I am no sex god. My lover will be the first to roll her eyes should someone insinuate that practicing relationship therapy should result in any advanced sex techniques, reduced amounts of jealousy when I catch her making eyes at handsome strangers, abounding confidence in or out of our skivvies, or fearless communication about my sexual proclivities. Which I suppose brings me to why I want to write this column. If a sex-nerd like myself with over a decade of professional training about fucking can’t ask for a spanking with a straight face, then how the heck can I expect others to charge into their bedrooms holding a hairbrush high above their heads yodeling the battle cry of self determination? We have to be willing to talk about sex in all of its messy, wet glory in order to start having the sex and the interactions we all desire, right? So then what the heck is my problem? What the heck is all of our problems?

It seems that we are programmed to be able to tell our sexual secrets to anyone whom we are not interested in snogging. That seems hopelessly unfair to me. I want to be able to look my girlfriend in the eye and say, “Girlfriend, (okay, I would insert her first name here in real life, but for now she shall remain nameless), I have finally figured out how to have a wild and crazy ejaculation and I want to get down with you and see if we can’t make it happen so that I sploosh my woman-love all over your face like a cheesy scene from a B-rated porno.” I want to be able to just throw it all out on the table and to take a deep breath and not be afraid of whatever she might say and/or do. I know for a fact that whatever happens, she will not stop loving me if she finds this idea absurd. I also am quite sure that she already considers me freaky in the sack and expects me to come out with ideas that she might not be into all of the time. But knowing those things does not make it easier to strip off my defenses and ask. So I have never told my lover of many years that I would like to try to ejaculate with her present. I’ve never even hinted around the subject because I am too chicken to lay it all on the line. I am terrified that she would say no, forever sealing my fate with one simple word. Funny how I can dish out all of the advice in the world about honest communication and then intentionally brush my own desires

Well, what I can’t do for myself I will do for the sake of this column. To kick off this new segment of the Blowfish Blog, I will take a swallow of my own medicine and take the bull by the horns. I will sit my lover down in some non-sexual situation and explain this desire I have to come all over her face and ask her (gulp), if she will help me in my quest. I do this because I want to challenge you to do something similar. Do you have a desire that you have been hiding from a lover because you are scared of the reaction they might have? Are you like me in that you would talk to them about it if only you had a reason to do so and a support system backing you up in case they laughed their head off or slammed the door in your face? Well friends, I lay before you an invitation to break a cycle on not getting exactly what you want. As I proposition my lady friend for her willing participation in an act that I am scared she will hate, I want you to lay yourself bare for someone important in your life. No need to beg for the largest fantasy at the top of your wanking list, but it should be something that you really would like to try. And if you like, let us know how that goes for you. I will be sure to let you know how it goes for me here on this end. Think of it as homework bettering you, your lover(s), and all of your friends who no longer want to hear about the pony getup you’ve been stashing away behind the guest towels for the last eight months.

I’ll check in later this week with an update on my homework results. Until then, I’ll be rooting for you. If you can send some happy thoughts my way as well, that would be most appreciated.

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Friday, 31 August 2007 at 5:11 pm and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.