The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: The F Word

There is none so fearsome a word in the English language as the dreaded F-word. I’m not talking about “fuck,” though. Nor am I referring to “fornicate,” “freeway traffic,” or even “flatulence.” One of the most difficult and pervasive issues in everyday sexual relationships revolves around the subject of “frequency.”

Sexual frequency issues are loaded enough to fell otherwise wonderful relationships. No matter how dedicated folks are to one another and how sexy they find each other, there are bound to be, at the very least, periods of a relationship where one of you wants to fuck twice a day and the other person would rather take a nap and be left the hell alone.

Sexuality is a funny thing. It is uniquely private and can exist in our imaginations and masturbatory fantasies without anyone else’s permission or knowledge. At the same time, it can also be something we agree to share with someone or someones, a negotiated exchange of ideas, pleasure, and trust. Given the very nature of partnered sex, getting folks to agree on the how’s and when’s of its actualization is not always seamless.

What are the couples (and triads and other collaborative sex-group members) to do when one person wants to fuck more or less often than the other(s)?

For the sake of argument, let’s assume that a couple comes in to my office complaining of sexual frequency issues. It boils down to the fact that she wants to have sex about five times a week. Her lover, while desperately attacked to her, self defines as a sex-once-every-week-or-two kind of guy. They both wax and wane in their optimal frequency (there is that dreaded f-word again), but they both report that this is where they average out.

It doesn’t take a therapist to see that this situation is going to eventually put strain on their relationship. If the female partner in this couple is like many other people that occupy the position of “seeking”, she might say that she feels like her desire for her partner is a good thing and that she wishes he could try a little harder to initiate sex, even if it was just every once in awhile. She might say that getting turned down over and over again is hurtful, and not only that, it makes her feel like she is always badgering him for sex which makes her feel simultaneously overbearing, increasingly desperate, and unloved.

And if he is like many other people in situation of “gate-keeping,” he would say that he is tired of being nagged about sex all of the time. The more he hears about fucking, the less he wants to be a part of it. He might even say that he tries to be intimate with her more often, but the moment a kiss gets passionate or he makes sexy eyes at her, she jumps right to thinking that full-on fucking is right around the corner. This makes him retreat from interactions that could be construed as sexual, which in turns forces him into the position of managing their frequency by means of withholding.

This dynamic ends up looking like an intricate dance of push and pull with no improvement and, unfortunately, increasingly frustrated lovers. What can be done to break this cycle?

If both partners are willing to work on a frequency issue, and both partners working on it is a requirement, there are some things that can be done to help facilitate an agreement.

• First off, there has to be some recognition that both partners have to do some compromising. You both may feel that you are totally in the right about your side of the equation and indeed, you are. No amount of wishing or begging is going to get you both on the same page, lickety-split, so be prepared for some work.
• Have a sit down, all out on the table conversation. I think a, “In a perfect world, what would your sex life with me look like?” scenario is a good place to begin. Once everyone involved gets a chance to talk, you can sit back and assess the discrepancy. From there, try to push yourself (no, I did not say push your partner) to move more in the direction of your partner’s optimal level. Everyone must give in this scenario if it is to work. And no whining; your lover, having pushed themselves out of their comfort zone for you already, will not be sympathetic.
• Consider romantic and sexual activities other than intercourse as interactions that can “count” toward an overall total. I suggest counting any activity that would cause intense embarrassment should you happen to be walked in on by a family member as half a tally. In this way, naked showers with soapy tummy rubs (but no genital play) could be considered an intentional sexual exchange. Lots of non-intercourse exchanges can “add up” to “count” as strongly as genital sex. What else would count for you? Massages? Sexy notes? Listening in as one person masturbates? Buying your lover a book of erotica and leaving it on their pillow? If you are the gate-keeping partner, there are lots of ways of validating your partner’s desire to be sexual with you without putting out. (And validation here is a key element to keeping them fulfilled.)
• Over the course of a few days, pay attention to the periods of the day when you feel the most (and least) sexual. Factors in our environment and the ebb and flow of our hormones regularly impact our desire to be sexual. Perhaps your partner feels sexy in the mornings with the sunlight pouring through the window but throughout the day stressors and obligations deflate their desire like a leaky balloon. Or maybe they feel hottest right before dinner when the workday is behind them; once they’ve had a shower and feel refreshed the game is on. If they masturbate, when do they do it? When do you? Compare your lists and see what your patterns look like next to one another. Act accordingly.
• Pick a night. I know, this already sounds cheesy. Often times, however, it is difficult to fit sex into a busy schedule. Clearing the calendar for fucking can help to increase sexual anticipation and make sure that sex happens. And if you aren’t in the mood when Wednesday evening comes around? Try faking it and being extra dramatic about it. It can be surprising how much a little over-the-top acting can put you in the mood. If both people aren’t into it though, call it a night and reschedule. This is supposed to be fun, not a chore. If the time isn’t right, don’t beat yourself (or them) up over it—unless you are into that kind of thing.

Some of these ideas may resonate with you while others may leave you cold. The most important message in all of this is learning how to accept sexual advances, and how to decline them, gracefully and with love. Unrest builds when there is high rejection and low validation. If your lover comes to you with lust in their eyes and it just can’t happen right then, do your darndest to phrase your “no” with tenderness. All too often your “no” is heard as a rejection of more than just their advances, but a rejection of their bodies, their love, and/or a rejection of them as a person. You must be careful with one another and use your words with mindfulness.

As an illustrative example: Just the other night I was chomping at the bit for some lovin’ and my lady looked at me and said, “I’m so flattered that you want to have sex with me right now and it makes me feel hot when you look at me like that. But honey, I just don’t have the energy right now. Can I take a rain check for tomorrow?” And just like that, I was both validated and defused. I had reason to believe that she still wanted me, a future date for some action, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not pushing her into a sexual situation that she did not want to be in.

And did I get laid the next day?
You bet I did.

Even if you never come to agreement on a set frequency, working on understanding one another’s perspectives will positively impact your sex for the rest of your relationship.

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Friday, 21 September 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.