Couple’s Couch: Spit or Swallow?
I recently headed out to see Pixar’s newest animated release Ratatouille, starring an adorable mouse with a sensitive palate who dreams of becoming a chef in Paris. (The film is great by the way, if you haven’t seen it, get your butts out of your desk chairs and get to it.) The flocks of queens sitting behind me in the theater ran continuous commentary throughout the cartoon, which might have been annoying if it weren’t so hilarious. But when the restaurant critic states under no uncertain terms, “I don’t like food, I love it. If I don’t love it, I don’t swallow,” all it took was one, “Amen, sista!” from the daddy in the back and the house came apart at the seams. Those San Francisco gays sure have dirty minds.
The incident led me to muse about blowjob etiquette, something most of the Ms. Manners books I’ve read over the years have strangely omitted. Does kneeling down to take it in the mouth sign us up for unspoken commitments of which we may be unaware? And when is it polite to swallow, to spit, to gargle, or to refuse?
Take swallowing for instance. I’ve been told that having one’s semen swallowed at the end of a blowjob is like having your cake and orgasming, too. Given the results from my informal blowjob census, most folks aren’t regular swallowers, even when they strongly prefer their partners to swallow when their own dingies are being sucked.
As someone who has always swallowed for the simplicity and ease of post-oral clean up, I never gave any thought to taking spitting. Why bother? It’s so easy to gulp and make it all go away. Not to mention that spitting would require having something to spit into (or onto). I suppose I could spit it back onto his trembling cock like a good little slut, but well, my sex life doesn’t always call for role-playing. And while I am down for letting a man come on my body/face/tits/ etc, the second they reach for a dirty sock to mop me off, the game is over. What I can not, do not, understand is the phenomenon of holding spunk in the mouth while fumbling through a dark room on the way to the bathroom to then spit it back out. I mean, really?
It isn’t that I don’t like semen. I really do. Having never owned my own cock, the cumshot remains a mysterious, powerful thing. It gives orgasm tangibility, some concrete evidence of desire. The male ejaculation is proof of a sensation so intense the body resorts to producing projectile substances. Semen amazes me; I just down want it congealing on my tongue.
Recognizing that being female with a female partner gives me very little creditability on that subject, I decided to seek some counsel from a pro cocksucker before offering any advice to the masses. I tracked down J after a stint of random hookups in various public restrooms, just returning from the clinic for his quarterly annual check-up. Turns out that the sore throat that he’s been battling is not Strep Throat, nor is it excess strain from singing at full volume along with Britany’s newest single. Turns out that J has oral chlamydia and it is affecting his mouth and throat.
Oral chlamydia? What the heck is that? I know all about genital chlamydia, but nothing about the oral variety. I caught up with an adolescent sexual health educator at a free Haight/Ashbury clinic for more information. She reported, “Many STIs can infect different parts of the body, depending on the place of contact. The mouth, throat, anus, genitals . . . they are all up for grabs.”
Bummer.
I was also informed of a memory rhyme for safer blowjob practice that is used frequently when advising new clients. It goes, “Spit or swallow, but don’t let it wallow.”
Who writes these things? Wallow?! I want to see the brochure that gets handed out to high school sophomores emblazoned with this doctrine.
The point of the rhyme, I am told, is to jog the old memory in a moment of unbridled passion and remind the blowjob giver to get the semen out of their mouth, stat. Turns out that “letting it wallow” is a Medium Risk behavior. The longer potentially STI infected semen stays in the mouth, the higher the potential risk of transferring oral gonorrhea, oral chlamydia, and, in some more extreme cases, HIV, to the receiver’s mouth, especially if you brush your teeth before you give head. Woah. To think, all this time I’ve been swallowing I’ve technically been practicing safer sex. Pat me on the back!
Take home message(s):
- Oral sex is fun, entertaining, and a low-carb activity.
- Don’t brush or floss before hooking up. Chew gum instead. And carry extra for your date.
- No wallowing. It is bad for your health. Just swallow it already, or spit if you must. Aim for the cock—maybe he’ll like it.
This entry was posted on Friday, 14 September 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Monday, 17 September 2007 at 9:13 pm Jezebel VonTizzle wrote:
I greatly enjoyed your commentary on this tastful treat. I have recently rediscovered the joy of swallowing. In high school I did it all the time, no worries (maybe out of peer pressure? who knows) but as an adult I couldnt do it anymore. I would gag everytime the squirting monster started spitting. But recently, I have grown quite in love with not just giving head but swallowing all together. I have no idea what happened or why it changed, but its been great! and my boyfriend loves it as well.
on Monday, 24 September 2007 at 11:09 am Jolie wrote:
If I hear the “spit vs. swallow” debate among teenagers or young people, I often want to overstep my bounds and reiterate the “bummer” attitude that you hinted at: please, please, please make sure you’re using condoms and safer sex practices. And please get tested regularly, regardless of your gender. However, among the men I know, as I don’t have a penis myself, the debate seems silly. They’d rather have the blow job, regardless of what happens at the end. The act itself tends to be the best part.