The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: Mint Jelly and Jumper Cables or: Debunking Fantasy Play

Isn’t it supposed to be that we meet, fall in love, choose sex-roles as either the top or the bottom, and run gleefully into the sunset and straight into the sack? That’s how my parents summed up the courting phase anyway, if in fewer, less explicit words. And if that is the case, then why do I hear from Y and Z that they negotiate their fantasy lives like they are making a grocery list, one man carefully laying out the toys he wants used on his ass while the other tries to pay attention and keep from squirming. It isn’t that these two aren’t desperately in love (they are), and it certainly isn’t that they don’t turn one another on (they do), it’s simply that they each want to have a kind of sex that the other finds, well, about as hot as scrubbing bathroom tile with a toothbrush, and not in that “good” kind of way.

What are we the needy, the fantasizing, the adventurous, the kinky to do when our fucking partners are only lukewarm about satisfying our well-wrought fantasies? Well, first I think we need to get the hell over it. You and your partner don’t have the same favorite vegetable side dish, prefer the same thickness of pillow, nor perform the same holiday traditions so why in the name of Timbuktu did you think you would want to be fucked the same way? Get over it. Now.

Second, we all need to just plain forget about our partner being able to guess what we want in bed as if they could sense it somehow with their fingertips or their advanced form of bedroom ESP. If I had a nickel for every blasted time I heard, “Well, I thought that they would figure it out eventually…nsbp;.…nsbp;.…nsbp;.”. Here’s a hint: they are never going to guess that you wanted jumper cables, mint jelly on your nipples, and three of their best friends to hold you down and lick you raw, so you are going to have to tell them.

Third, you may have to do more than tell them. If you are really serious about getting what you want, you’d better have already shopped for the mint jelly, text-messaged all of their friends, and taped a set of jumper cables to the bottom of the bed frame when you drop this twisted idea of yours onto their unsuspecting head.

And fourth, and most importantly, you have to ask. You have to ask and anticipate that you will be rejected. You have to be ready to wait awhile for the fantasy to occur, perhaps for months. You have to be ready to explain, negotiate, beg, and/or barter. You are asking for a slice of someone’s time, dedication, and most of all, you are asking for them to emotionally take-on fulfilling your personal fantasy.

They run many risks by accepting the tasks you ask of them. Should they accept your plea, they make themselves vulnerable to feeling or looking ridiculous, of interacting with you in ways that could feel yucky to them, of potentially hurting you, of not being turned on in the slightest or being far more turned on than they wanted, or, and scariest of all, of not doing it right. Oh yes, there is that. Not doing it well enough or looking convincing enough or failing to deliver the goods is enough to make the gamest of players quake in their boots.

So, a few suggestions?

Those on the getting end:

1. Be clear. If you say you want one friend but you were secretly hoping for three, do not be disappointed when only one shows up. That isn’t fair. Be a grownup and put your cards on the table. And while you are at it, let’s make your verbalized fantasies somewhat realistic. You know what I mean.
2. They might say no, so be prepared for disappointment. But, they might also say no to some part of it and yes to the rest. It is up to you to swallow your boner and agree to taking baby steps. Rome wasn’t built in a day and let’s face it, Rome is a little more realistic than some of the things you are asking for.
3. They are taking you on so be prepared to either treat them in kind with fulfilling a fantasy of theirs or be eager, and I do mean eage r, to say thank-you in some other way. I find waxing the car gets me a lot of mileage.
4. DO NOT expect them to be perfect. It is likely your lover is doing their damndest to be all they can be, so you best be on your knees thanking your lucky stars that you have someone who wants you enough to try.

To those on the giving end:

1. Say yes to as much of the fine print as you can. This does not mean you have to meet your lover’s every whim, but aim for at least the ballpark.
2. Stay true to yourself. It is fine (and great!) to leave your comfort zone, but if you leave it around the corner and down in the neighbor’s basement, you won’t have a good time and so neither will they.
3. I have some bad news. You aren’t going to do it exactly right. That said, move on and do your best. Oh, and don’t think about how much you are messing up the hip thrust while you are doing it. They will see that silly, vacant look of concentration on your face and the world you just created will come crashing down on your heads. Breathe, pretend you are in acting class or, better yet, that you are someone else entirely. Remember, you are a sex god(dess) and that their overactive imagination is filling in the rest of the details.
4. Enjoy yourself! This is supposed to be fun! After all, your partner could have picked just about anyone to enact this fantasy and they chose you. You must therefore be the goods, so stop worrying already.
5. Next time, it will beyour turn. Better put that thinking cap on and come up with something good…nsbp;.…nsbp;.…nsbp;.

Of course, any success stories (or utter disasters) should be told, in full, here. We delight in your attempts, no matter their outcome.

Happy playing and good luck!

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Friday, 7 September 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.