Couple’s Couch: “Male” Enhancement and Other Fallacies
The last few times I’ve turned on the television in the middle of the day I’ve been confronted with advertisements for ED. Charming men gaze flirtatiously out from my 25″ monitor while holding steaming mugs of something, green tea perhaps, letting me know that they used to loathe themselves but now they are better! Cured! Real men once again! Gratitude for their pills, for their erections, steeps through their smoldering eyes and hits me somewhere smack in the middle of my gag reflex.
I hate everything about notion of “Erectile Dysfunction” down to and including the name. Dysfunction? Really? Somehow we’ve internalized the expectation that the penises in our lives should be under our command and willing to work at our beckoned call. Stand tall, soldier! Stand proud and proclaim your master’s masculinity across these bed sheets and beyond!
Real penises don’t work that way.
We put a lot of pressure on the penis. It has to be up when we want it to be up, hard enough when we need it to be hard. It has to stay down when slow dancing with sexy strangers and while presenting at business meetings, has to refrain from shooting too early when confronted with extreme pleasure, it has to be the right length, the right width, the right color, and sure not to bend too much in any direction. Managing a penis sounds like a full-time job. So much more, then, the struggle for guys who can’t keep theirs under control.
I get the feeling that having “Erectile Dysfunction” is synonymous with being utterly emasculated. It’s as if men that can’t keep it up long enough or keep it hard enough are worthless as males. It’s no wonder then that the promise of a magic pill would make guys pull out their wallets. If my femininity hinged on how wet I got when my husband brought me flowers, I’d plunk down some cash to remedy any shred of doubt, too. (More on why vaginas are not synonymous with femininity next week, perhaps.)
I’m not buying the TV-quoted statistic that some 15-30 million American suffer from ED. I do believe, however, that millions of men feel that their sexual prowess doesn’t measure up in some way, that their “manhood” is not representing their personhood fairly.
Am I being too simplistic with this interpretation? Too literal? Because all that comes to mind when I see these television advertisements for “male enhancement” is that we aren’t talking about erectile enhancement, we are telling guys that they are only as masculine, as meaningful, as their erections are stiff.
I’m also not buying that the current media boom surrounding male enhancement medication is a positive sign of some curtain of silence being lifted. If there is anything positive coming out of the medicalization of male sexuality, it is the consciousness that the penis is not infallible.
I believe we do damage to ourselves and to one another when we expect perfection from our inherently flawed bodies. When we begin to count on our cocks to get hard when they are sucked, when we expect our cunts to get moist when we are fondled, when we expect our bodies to perform and impress every single blasted time, we are bound to be disappointed.
And beyond the pressure we place upon ourselves to perform, what of the destructive demands we thrust upon one another? It isn’t any fairer to expect flawless sexual performance from our lovers any more than it is to expect it of ourselves. After all, who wants to have their legs spread open in the air and simultaneously negotiate how not to disappoint their lover while grasping for their own pleasure?
I have a dream that one day some husband and wife will be sitting on their sofa somewhere out there in the wide expanse of the country and they will see some terrible commercial about vaginal douching followed by another terrible commercial for ED medication and they will laugh at the idiocy of it all and cry at the injustices we do to our bodies with such exaggerated expectations of perfection. I dream that this couple will hold onto one another and roll to the floor and make sweet love in whatever way they have negotiated that feels good for them, imperfections and all. In reality though, I have little hope that this scenario will ever play out.
Given the culture of fear we have around sexual dissatisfaction and erotic shame, I’m rather amazed that so many people are able to take pleasure out of sexual exchanges at all.
I’m curious what we would think if we saw commercials that depicted an attractive man sipping green tea, flirtatiously telling us that, while finding it difficult to have intercourse with his wife one evening, he actually brought her to multiple orgasms with oral sex. Could we stand for such honest portrayals of human sexuality? And if we could watch such ads and assuming we were able to take away the larger message that we are allowed to be imperfect and human, I wonder what other ways we might to learn to forgive and accept ourselves.
This entry was posted on Thursday, 31 January 2008 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Thursday, 31 January 2008 at 10:50 am steppen wolf wrote:
I know that this has pretty much nothing to do with ED. But I think my very simple case is related somehow.
I have spend two weeks looking for a proper blazer, because I have a series of interviews coming up. I do not like fancy dresses, so a formal blazer and a nice shirt would do it for me. But here is the challenge: it looks like in my metropolitan area, which must get to about 1.5mil people, I am not able to find a blazer my size. I might sometimes manage to fit my shoulders in it; but what about my BOOBS? Aren’t women size 15/16 supposed to have some chest at all? Apparently not.
Why am I telling you about this? Because the amount of frustration that results from your body being considered as inexistent by all the malls and shops in a city must have a psychological impact as high, if not higher, than getting frustrated in bed. I think I am understanding why girls in my hometown, many thousands of miles away from here, starve themselves to be able to fit in the clothes they like.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are women supposed to be “boobless” and size 14 max? I am not extremely big - and still here I am, having to scout MALE shops for a blazer. I am sure you will not be surprised that I almost succeeded in my intent yesterday, except that my correspondent male size goes away like crazy. But why can guys find their size, while women can?
Anyway, I am just frustrated I guess. I have a sweet, adorable partner, but here I am being brought down by mere pieces of clothing. Clothes should fit our bodies, not the other way round. The same as sexual performance should be the result of a successful relationship, not something we can master out of the blue to prove ourselves that “we are worth it”.
on Thursday, 31 January 2008 at 2:57 pm Tinker wrote:
The nature of Diabetes is that most men who have it are unable to get or maintain an erection. Those who are being treated for Hypertension, are as bad, and of course, diabetes and hypertension are fellow travelers. Those of us that have both illnesses are, for all intents and purposes, unable to “run it up the flagpole” at all. So you can imagine that they will grasp at any straw, no matter how feeble their chances are, just to wake up one morning and have a willing partner and the means to DO SOMETHING about it.
Oh and Steppen Wolf, the practical limit on mens clothes is 2XL. I require 4XL and in a TALL, which is almost impossible to find. I get a catalog that has DOZENS of shirts jackets and sweaters in it, all limited to 3XL, Talls only go up to 2XL. These doofuses are just TAUNTING me.
The only catlaog I can be pretty sure of finding clothes in my size is Cabela’s (outdoor/sporting goods). As you can imagine they do not have all that many dress outfits. Oh, and military surplus, seems to be the second source. Not that the Store actually carries anything in my size, on the shelf. So here I sit in my red flannel shirt with my army issue pants, and worry about impotence… not to mention fashion at all, at all.
on Thursday, 31 January 2008 at 6:20 pm suedprac wrote:
I wholeheartedly agree… it’s just one of the many absurd notions we foist upon each other that when a willing partner desires cock, functioning penises will always go hard and stay that way for exactly the correct amount of time. There are lots of ways to have sensual adventures (alone or with partners) and in a perfect world, the lack of an erection would be the beginning of the fun, rather than the end of it.
One note of particular sensitivity on my part… please avoid replacing one common social pressure regarding sexual performance with another (specifically that it is the partner’s responsibility to “cause” orgasm). Although I love the thought of turning tables and seeing a commercial proclaiming how wonderful oral sex can be, boasting that one brought another to climax leaves a bitter aftertaste. I know I’m being picky here, but we have a long way to go before open healthy sexuality is widespread in this country (world!) and every little bit counts!
on Thursday, 31 January 2008 at 8:33 pm steppen wolf wrote:
To Tinker: ouch, I guess the problem goes across the board. But I am not an uncommon size, I must say, so the complete lack of decent clothing is something I find totally astounding.
And also, should we mention that having long work hours/multiple/stressful jobs impacts sexual performance quite heavily? Even perfectly healthy people will succumb if you put them through enough rough times. They want us to work like horses AND be healthy AND be super-duper in bed?
There is only so much one can do…
on Friday, 1 February 2008 at 10:14 pm tmi wrote:
Tinker, check out a catalogue called “King Size.” Most of their stuff goes up to 6X or 8X in “big” and “tall” and while they mostly have casual stuff, they have a page or two of dress clothes — polos, dockers, slacks, pretty much anything up to but NOT including suits.
Prices aren’t too bad — not KMART good — but they have some decent sales sometimes.
on Saturday, 2 February 2008 at 4:52 am Edward wrote:
quote:
I have a dream that one day some husband and wife will be sitting on their sofa somewhere out there in the wide expanse of the country and they will see some terrible commercial about vaginal douching followed by another terrible commercial for ED medication and they will laugh at the idiocy of it all and cry at the injustices we do to our bodies with such exaggerated expectations of perfection. I dream that this couple will hold onto one another and roll to the floor and make sweet love in whatever way they have negotiated that feels good for them, imperfections and all. In reality though, I have little hope that this scenario will ever play out.
endquote:
Just so you know, we do this all the time…
on Monday, 4 February 2008 at 4:06 pm dashrocker wrote:
I make it a point to mention, in similarly themed conversation, that the state of the male genitalia; big, small, functional or otherwise, is of little importance to a man who is capable of bringing a woman to multiple orgasms without ever taking his pants off.
One must understand though, that the force of will required to shake off societal pressures and preconceptions otherwise, is truly immense. Most of these preconceptions are rooted so deeply in the male machismo that they are nearly impossible to avoid.
on Wednesday, 6 February 2008 at 7:14 pm Max Heck wrote:
As dashrocker mentioned, the size of one’s bits (male or female) or multiorgasimicity (is that even a word?) seem to be big deals.
Really, though, I’d say it’s more opportunism on the part of the drug companies. ED, ADD, depression, overeating and for that matter, “Restless Leg Syndrome” all exist, and for some people are real problems. That’s the original impetus for developing certain drugs.
But then drug companies say “Hmm… You know, if we could convince everyone else out there that they suffer from these problems, we could really make mad money on them!”
Can’t get it up lately? You must need the same drug we give diabetics. Of course, the fact that you were drinking, tired, or simply uninspired last time you snuggled had nothing to do with it. You too can throw that football through the tire, or whatever other metaphor makes you think of both f**king and your teenage glory years simultaneously if you only try (product name.)
Your 10 year old is unfocused and hyperactive? He needs Ritalin. (last I checked, 10-year-olds tend to be unfocused and hyperactive to begin with, and it probably doesn’t help that the anklebiter eats more sugar at breakfast than his great-grandparents consumed in a year.)
Feeling blue? Yeah, that’s never happened to anyone before. You have a syndrome. You don’t want to be the sad onion, do you?
etcetera.
So ask your doctor if Hypochondrium ™ is right for you.