The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: Making Porn Work for Me

I’d actually be able to pay my rent if I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say, “I’ve tried, but I don’t get turned on by porn.” Well, I can relate. I’ve never been someone who gets aroused watching other people on a screen get freaky. That is, I never did until I started masturbating while I browsed.

The first, oh I don’t know, fifty pornos I sat through left me cold. There’s nothing novel about my reasons for the chill, just the usual complaints—bodies too fake, orgasms too fake, guys too ugly, a glazed look in her eye, and overzealous reactions to getting semen up the nose. I complained for years that most porn was contrived, made by men for other men, and thus I could not be surprised when it did nothing for me.

Popping in an adult DVD did very little other than turn me into a critical bystander, living in my head and leaving my body someplace totally separate. I could only concentrate on the absurdities before me.

“Can you believe that his skin is actually that orange? Is he doubling for a Halloween flick?”
“Is he thrusting while limp? How does he do that?”
“No way is that going to fit! No way! Nooo . . . . Oh my god, it freaking fits!”

Once I’ve reached the point of commenting, the chance of me reaching orgasm drops through the floor.

But if I touch myself while watching, a whole new world emerges. Suddenly it won’t matter if her left breast is nearly two inches closer to her armpit than her right one. All I will notice is the sex. Pressure on my clit acts as a mute button in reverse; I can hear what is going on between the actors only when I make contact.

Why is porn so much hotter when I am lubed and rubbing off? I have no idea. I’ve formulated a theory that arousal short-circuits my brain into thinking just about anything is desirable. I’ll attempt anything while horny. You want me to hang you from the ceiling by your labia? No way. But ask me after there has been some significant foreplay and I’ll have the power drill out and ceiling hooks hung faster than you can untangle the bondage rope. Arousal is an all-powerful enigma.

So I have taken to watching porn every now and again, but only after I begin masturbating. I make sure that I am well positioned facing the TV/computer with anything I might need (lube, toys, tissues, glass of water, friend) within arm’s reach. I shuck off my underpants, go to town, and only then do I press play.

Turning off the brain chatter is an active process. In my experience, some people are better at it than others. Ever catch yourself giving head and thinking, one-two-long lick-lick short-short-short-and long? When we concentrate on our actions instead of our feelings, we get stuck in what I like to call “cognitive sex”. This isn’t bad, per se. Cognitive sex is simply harder to enjoy.

If you find yourself thinking in whole paragraphs while engaging sexually, you could very well be losing out on your experience for the sake of staying in control.

I’ve historically done this while watching porn, but I’ve also done it in real time with lovers. When I get nervous about my performance, it can be downright impossible to get out of my head. I get so concerned with making a mistake or my partner not liking what I am doing that I forget I should be enjoying myself.

Mindful sex is one way I’ve discovered to bring me out of my head and back into my body. When I become aware that I am thinking a lot, I remind myself to feel what my body is going through. (Bear with me; I know this errs on the side of hippy-enlightenment trappings.)

It is incredibly difficult to worry about how I’m doing with my thrusting pattern when I stop focusing on counting and check-in with my nipples. How are my nipples feeling right now? Swollen, hot, begging to be pinched? And how is my pussy? Is the harness rubbing anyplace good? How do the sounds I’m hearing affect my mood? Does the man grunting on the tape bring anything up for me? When I bring my attention back to my body, to my arousal and my feelings, the sex/porn experience improves dramatically.

I find the key to hot sex is, above all else, staying in touch with my body. For me, sometimes that means actually touching my body in order to stay connected. Whether or not you ever find your groove with porn, experiencing pleasure to the fullest potential will become another handy gadget in your erotic toolbox.

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Friday, 26 October 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.