Couple’s Couch: It Was Just Foreplay at the Time
At the time, I knew what sex was and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wasn’t doing it. Sure, we may have been naked. And yes, we touched one another’s private parts and got sticky and maybe even snuck a few orgasms from time to time. But I was “saving myself” for the right man, the one who would come into my life (after high school, of course) and open my eyes to the world of grown-up relationships and the pleasures of intercourse. In the meantime, I was just having a good time.
Looking back at the sexual interactions in my adolescence (imagine I am 18 or older if you find yourself squigged), I find humor in how hard I worked to convince myself that oral play, hand-jobs, BJs and finger penetration “did not count” towards a sexually tally. I wanted to believe that sex, real sex, was something more than the excited fumbling going on in my waterbed while my parents ran out to the grocery store.
I still hold residual categories for what counts as really having sex and what constitutes foreplay. Intercourse with dicks and dildos, or at least deep penetration, still sits at the top of the pyramid holding court as “real sex.” I understand my perspective is ridiculous, but after so many years of seeking to score, oral sex, finger fucking, or even the best intended spanking doesn’t leave me feeling like I just got laid, even if I have a killer orgasm.
Absurd! What is keeping this notion in place?
It’s not like I have a better time in bed when we stick to plain ‘ol intercourse. I learned early on that most oral sex and almost anything involving a safe-word is far more intimate than even the best penetration. When I use my hands and tongue and lips and teeth in addition to my genitals to have sex, the experience is inevitably more intense. My face has to get all up in there, forcing me to pay attention. I have to involve my entire body into the game, teasing and exploring to find the ultimate sensations for each moment. I find that I think more about my lover and approach them with the intentionality of making them feel good when we have full-body sex. Even so, it’s hard to finish a great night in bed with a lover without finishing with intercourse.
We know how powerful different forms of sexual expression are in our lives so why do we not focus more time and energy on doing them?
We humans are habit-forming creatures. You tell us to insert tab A into slot B and we’ll eventually get lazy and stick to just that. We like to cut to the chase, get onto the “good stuff,” get-off and go to sleep because tomorrow is gonna be here fast and it’s already nearly midnight. In our rush, we forget about the other things we do with one another that feel good.
Is forget a bad word choice? Maybe I don’t mean “forget” as much as “ignore.” We ignore touching one another in intentional ways over time because it require more effort, more energy, and more thought. We don’t want to have to try to get our lovers off in new ways when we already know what works. We find a groove/rhythm and are afraid to change it and risk getting off course and losing all we have built. We don’t have the time to take our sweet time making love to one another because we need to get some dinner on the table or CSI is about to start or we have a column due for Blowfish in an hour and it is only half finished.
The thing is, when we stop exploring one another and just stick with what works, we get bored. Maybe you aren’t bored today, and maybe you won’t be tomorrow, but eventually our thrill-seeking brains are going to want to push the envelope and seek out something that gets the blood racing. If you aren’t having exciting sex with your lover now, or if you find that it gets harder and harder to get hot for one another, there is work to be done!
We are quick to ignore the basics when it comes to sex. The activities that I once tried to deny as “foreplay” or “something else” are in actuality some of the foundational blocks for my intimate relationship today. The excitement phase of new relationships isn’t a farce — the spontaneity and newness of exploring someone’s body and their arousal is one of the best aphrodisiacs around.
Not convinced? I dare you to give it a try. Talk to your lover about not having intercourse for the next two times you have sex. Whatever it is that you usually do, don’t do it. Challenge yourselves to touch one another in ways you have neglected in the past while. To join you in this endeavor, I’ve already been giving this a shot.
A dear friend of mine was hospitalized recently due to ongoing health problems now finds herself unable to engage in intercourse with her lover. My partner and I decided to show our sympathy by abstaining from our most common sexual activities until she gets better. (I know, sounds like true friendship, no?)
We intended this as a funny way of showing our support and sympathy, but joyously it ended up working in our favor. We spent an afternoon making love to one another without penetration and without focusing on having orgasms. We played and laughed, rediscovered sensitive places on our bodies that we had forgotten about. We dug through our bedside tables and discovered sexy panties we hadn’t seen in years. We gave back massages with oil in the middle of the day. We wrestled, played tongue-tag, and accidentally had three orgasms apiece. When we finally clamored out of the bedroom in search of dinner, we were glowing with happiness and rediscovered connection.
Could we have this kind of sex every day? We would like to. We would also like to block off more time to spend with one another, eat nachos all day long without regretting it come summertime, and own a house in the bay area, but not all things are possible by simply wishing them to be so. It’s hard to be intentional with one another. It takes a lot longer to have sex this way, and a lot more energy as well. We both vowed to work these kinds of activities back into our more regular sex-life as we move into the future and, for us, this is kind of small-bite intensity is how we can make long term change.
The moral of our story is that we need to put more sex up our sex, to widen the breadth of our play regime to pre-relationship levels. What would it take to get you to do the same? Could you trade in two regular sex session and give in to finding one another again?
I was on to something good back in my adolescent sexual interactions. I may not have thought of it as sex then, but I sure knew that I was having one heck of a great time. The goal is finding ways to maintain a level of inquisitiveness about our lovemaking/partners and to keep finding new ways to delight one another throughout our whole relationship.
This entry was posted on Friday, 23 November 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on Tuesday, 4 December 2007 at 3:40 pm ed wrote:
Having read others of Ms. Skoor’s I was not surprised at the quality of her thoughts and writing talent. I have found her to be right on with her comments. As for sex, what a wonderful smorgasbord of options without penetration. Just thinking about them is a turn-on. I guess i’m just easy.