The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: How to: Anal Play (part 1)

Newcomers to anal play often get bogged down with apprehension about their butts and never discover how wonderful anal stimulation can feel. I’ve seen hundreds of noses wrinkle in disgust whenever sex talk veers towards the behind. In the words of an early lover, “Newsflash, Rebekah: That’s where poop lives! No way am I going to fuck you there so do me a favor and quit asking.”  Well, humph!

When we consider how much we are socialized to never touch our assholes, one can imagine how much emotional charge can be gained from doing just that. Butt-play is loaded with power dynamics that often surprise and delight even the most experienced lovers.

If you’re new to anal play and want to get prepped for pleasure, I recommend learning how to pleasure your ass on your own before anything resembling a penis or a dildo gets within five feet of your privates. I think of introducing another person to my ass as Step Two. This week, we’ll tackle butt introductions. By next week, you’ll be so in touch with your asshole that bringing a lover into your butt-scapades will be as easy as flipping off the light switch.

First off, congratulations! Being willing to get acquainted with your genitals and “private places” is not always an easy decision. Many myths surround anal play, so let’s get those out of the way before we get started.

Myth: I’m going to get poop everywhere.

This is the numero uno fear about anal sex, so if you are worried, you are not alone. Yes, you might see some poo, but it won’t be very significant. The rectum, the last segment of your large intestine, is really more of a final passageway to the outside than long-term storage for shit. It is far more likely that you will encounter some poo smudges that anything three-dimensional. But even if you do bump into some scat, big deal! It’s poop, not unearthed weapons of mass destruction. Throw down a towel, buy yourself some gloves or condoms, put baby wipes next to the bed, or give yourself a gentle enema half an hour prior to playtime and put your fears to rest.

Myth: This is going to hurt, a lot.

Anal should never hurt if you do it correctly. We’ll talk more about how to make sure of this a little later on.

Myth: If I keep playing with my ass, soon my sphincter won’t close and I will lose control of my bowels.

Not going to happen. Your sphincter muscle can be taught to relax to allow waste to slip out or pleasurable objects to slip in with ease. Damaging the sphincter is an agonizing experience, one that can easily be avoided with intentional movements.

Myth: If I can milk my prostate, I’m guaranteed the best orgasms of my life.

Maybe yes, maybe no. Many, many men love the sensation of internal pressure on their prostates. But, as with all things, your mileage may vary.

Myth: My lover will never do this with me, for me, or to me.

While I cannot speak for your lover, I hope that understanding anal pleasure will help demystify and normalize the experience for everyone involved. Next week we will cover partnered anal play in depth and, with any luck, we will get someone bent over your foot board in no time.

Myth: If my female lover penetrates me anally, it will turn me into a gay man.

Nothing you or anyone else can do to your body will “make” you gay. Sexual orientation revolves around the gender of your desired sexual partners, not the way your body is touched or the activities you engage in behind closed doors.

Ready to begin?

You’re gonna need some lube, and lots of it. I recommend getting lube that stays wet a long time without getting sticky. Your ass does not self lubricate like vaginas or cocks, so it will need some help to stay slippery enough for you to get inside. Silicone lubes works great in the ass (although not so great on silicone toys) and is perfect for fingers or anything draped with latex. I also love Liquid Silk, the water-based lube of champions.

The key to anal penetration is relaxation. Get comfortable on a soft surface like a bed or sofa. I find being on my back gives me the best access to my bottom, but if you feel more comfortable on your knees or stomach, by all means pick your own position.

Start off this session with some good ‘ol genital masturbation. Get your blood flowing, but try not to work yourself towards orgasm just yet.

Apply some lube to a finger or two on your most competent hand and gently rub it across and around your asshole. If you’re concerned about getting your hands dirty, or if you have cuts on your fingers or simply want a smoother finger surface, slip on a latex glove. Try to keep your focus on breathing and feeling the sensations. As you massage around the opening, try clenching your sphincter muscle as if you are stopping a bowel movement. Then relax your sphincter back into its resting state. Try that a few times, feeling the difference in the texture of the skin and keeping tabs on what feels good.

As you rub the rim and examine the crannies and wrinkles of your hole, see if you can rest a fingertip on the opening. By applying the slightest amount of pressure, gently press into the “dent.” You are not necessarily seeking to push your whole finger inside, just inside the rim. Now take a breath.

Before pressing any deeper inside your body, check in with yourself. How are you feeling? Is there any pain? If there is, stop. Re-lube, breathe, and go back to the beginning with simple massage. Are you tense or nervous? Try masturbating again for a few seconds to reactive your arousal. No longer slippery down there? Lube your fingers again before proceeding. Remember that there is no rush to get inside and you can take all of the warm-up you need.

When you are ready to push farther, making sure you are nice and lubed up, press your finger slowly into your body. It is important to note that the anal cavity does not go straight into the body but rather angles in towards your core. Follow the natural curve of the canal through the tight inch of your sphincter muscle. It will feel like your finger will suddenly “pop” into place inside your body.

You’re in! Congratulations.

Take a few more breaths and let your body come to terms with whatever sensations you are feeling. You should not feel any pain, just gentle pressure. Try playing around with the sensation of having something inside your body. Clamp down on your finger and test the strength of your sphincter. Slowly and gently move your finger in and out fractions of an inch. Try shaking your finger a little, twisting it, making it do the wave. Try removing your finger and penetrating yourself again. Also reach around with your free hand and masturbate. See if you can make yourself come with your finger still inside your ass.

If you are male, you could even go on a hunt for your prostate, a golf-ball sized gland located about three inches in, up on the belly-button side (the “up” side) of your rectum. The prostate has been equated to the female G-spot as a source of pleasure for many men. How does pressure or friction on your prostate feel?

Give yourself a few sessions to discover the movements that really work for you. If and when you are ready, try inserting a second (or third, etc.) lubed finger for a more “filling” sensation. Experiment with toys, too. If you find that you like toys to go in and stay there without moving around very much, you might find butt-plugs an ideal toy. If you enjoy thrusting, think about a dildo (the thinner the better for beginners). If the open-close sensation of entering or leaving your ass is what does it for you, anal beads can give you that feeling over and over again. Maybe even try an anal vibrator or a prostate massager for some added excitement. If you are unsure about what could be pleasurable, the nice staff at Blowfish will be more than happy to hold your hand (figuratively, out course) and help you find the right size and shape for your body and experience level.

If you only take away a few key terms from this, remember: lube up, move slowly, breathe, and check-in. I highly recommend getting to know your anus, what it likes and doesn’t like, what makes it open up for more, and how to please it before letting a lover unleash their passion upon your backside. If you have a partner who wants to explore with you and that feels good, safe and sexy, by all means do it together, just remember to go slow and use the lube!

Next week, I’ll talk more about bringing anal play into sex with another person, how to ask, how to give, and the things you want to watch out for. Until then, lube up and start exploring!

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Friday, 5 October 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.