The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: Faking It

Oh sure, I’ve faked it. I’ve faked orgasm plenty of times, with various partners, for handfuls of reasons.

I suppose that I should feel bad about faking. You never hear industry folk condoning or encouraging this type of behavior. The general consensus on orgasms is that they happen or they do not happen, but pretending they did when in fact they did not can only lead to confusion, betrayal, and increasingly ineffective sexual techniques.

This can’t be true for everyone. I know this for a fact because it is not true of me.

It isn’t my lover’s “fault” if they can’t give me an orgasm. I am from the camp that we are all responsible for our own orgasms and “giving” someone one, while a nice idea, often leads to a mentality where another person is on the hook for providing my pleasure. Handing off the reins to someone else in this way can be very powerful on occasion, but as a rule, the expectation of success can lead to the demise of a relationship.

While I certainly do not enter a sexual encounter with the intention to fake an orgasm if one does not magically spring forth from my loins, I have made the decision to insert one or two into otherwise non-orgasmic sessions.

Sometimes I just can’t come. I simply can’t. It wouldn’t matter if a room full of lust-crazy nymphs surrounded me driven to attend to my every desire, it just will not happen. This doesn’t mean that the sex we are having is bad or not pleasurable nor that my lover is failing me in some way. Sex can feel amazing and I still might not orgasm. This precise scenario is when I am most prone to faking. I fake it because it feels as good as if I was really going to come and I don’t want my lover to feel discouraged.

I’ll also consider faking when a lover’s confidence is on the line. If I’ve requested to act out a fantasy, if they are trying out a new technique that they are nervous about, or if I get the sense that they are on the right track and need a little encouragement, I would consider kicking off a fakie to bolster their resolve. I consider my faked orgasm akin to a cheer from the sidelines, a rallying call, a way of saying, “You love stud, keep it coming because I am loving this!” Mind you, I don’t do this every time, but if I get the sense that a lover is starting to doubt themselves in the heat of the moment and indeed they are doing a fine job, I might slip one in on their behalf.

I’ve also been one to embellish an already existing orgasm, adding a little bit extra thrashing or volume to an otherwise fine orgasm. This isn’t always for the benefit of my lover; sometimes going to extra mile and over-acting can turn me on even more, strengthening my physical orgasmic response as my clitoris works to match the sensation with the noises I’m making.

That said, I’ve made a vow to never again fake when the sex sucks. The problem with offering a faked orgasm when everything is all over the place and I am not feeling pleasure is that it affirms the course of actions that has led to the non-arousal. I’ve made this mistake before. My boyfriend at the time had this thing for trying to tongue-fuck me, sticking his skinny tongue out as far as he could and then seeing how deeply he could penetrate me with it. I wasn’t into it. I remember telling him as much on more than one occasion, but he kept on doing it anyway, often when he sensed I was close to orgasm. It was like tongue-Tourettes.

Once upon a tongue-thrusting extravaganza, I decided to fake an orgasm on the grounds that by doing so he would stop. It worked. I pretended to come, he was thrilled, and we moved on to cuddling. In the remaining months that followed however, I was left to deal with the aftermath. He was convinced that he would help me along to another powerful orgasm with his trusty tongue technique and I, more ashamed to admit my falsity than eager to correct him, put up with it. My resentment grew. I swore to never again praise techniques that left me cold and, true to my word, I never have.

Of course, I can also recall a time where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the person I was fucking would never again grace my sheets. I faked an orgasm so they would get off of me and leave me alone. Not the most graceful of rejections, but it worked just the same. The sex stopped and I never called them again. Perfect execution of a fakie, if I do say so myself.

While certainly there are times to fake that are more harmful to one’s sex life than others, I want to go on record as saying that faking an orgasm doesn’t have to be destructive to your relationship. But if you find yourself faking more than every once in awhile or faking to stop a scene because you aren’t having fun or your lover isn’t respecting you, it might be time to wonder if all of your acting is being wasted on sex that doesn’t deserve the effort.

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Friday, 7 December 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.