The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: Dry Spell

I’m in a dry spell these days. It’s hard for me to admit this, being the couple’s columnist and a professional sex-advice person and all. I feel like my sex drive should be infallible! But the truth of the matter is that I haven’t wanted to get off for weeks.

Perhaps some of you might read this and think, “Weeks? She’s complaining about weeks?!” May sound downright crazy that a few measly weeks of low sex drive is something that should bother me. It’s such a departure from my normal state of affairs however that I have taken keen note of it and stand back and stare at my fledgling sex drive as if it were worthy of intense examination.

I haven’t even wanted to masturbate.
Unheard of!

I have a feeling I know what the deal is. I’m busy. Very, very busy. In the midst of enduring 12-hour workdays, exercising my increasingly agitated puppy, helping my partner develop her new business plan, surviving the holidays packed into my mother’s home along with several antsy family members and said agitated puppy, and counseling folks about their most intimate, emotional issues, I can’t find the energy to get it up right now (so to speak).

It’s hard to find the energy to be sexual when I barely have enough energy to brush my teeth before falling into bed. I think my vibrator is getting lonely to say nothing of my lover who touches my face and kisses my ear before I fall into blackout-like sleep each evening. She tells me that she is “concerned” with my workload and that she senses I am “distant” right now. Yes, quite.

How does anyone manage to get in good fucks anymore? I can’t be the only busy one in the world. I wonder especially after new parents, traveling business executives, elementary school teachers (who we all know work harder than everyone else on the planet combined), or anyone who must balance leisure time with the copious responsibilities of life. How has our species managed to survive this long if we can’t procreate when we are taxed?

And it isn’t just finding the time that I am talking about. The energy is the trickiest part of the equation. I feel like I can’t even muster the energy to take the damn toy out of the damn drawer and get my pants off.

The few friends I’ve mentioned this to seem wholly unconcerned. “We all go through dry spells,” one reassured me with a pat on my arm. While this might be true, it’s still unnerving when the person with the dry spell is me. I want to go back to being my usual sex-craving self. I want to feel desire bubbling around in my veins, transforming dull moments into opportunities to sneak away from my desk and get off in the office bathroom. I want to want to jump on my lover and take her hard when she least expects it, to slip into something lacy and cover the house in candles, to pop in a butt-plug and wear it out to a party. I want to feel like myself again!

I suppose it is human to go into self-preservation mode when life gets too hectic. I imagine I would feel anxiety prone if instead of plummeting my sex-drive rose in times of extreme stress. Right now my body is likely dictating low desire so it can keep on working at the unhealthy speed and intensity it has been for the past few months. Flippin’ fantastic.

This period of stillness in my body does lead me to wonder how others are affected in their full, busy lives. Do other people experience this phenomenon in the same way? Are they bothered by it or is it a welcome change? My grandmother once told me that if she could take a pill in the morning that would take care of all of her bodily urges (hunger, tiredness, desire, etc), she would invest in a life supply. I don’t feel the same way.

My urges, my aches and pains, my desires and revulsions shape who I am and how I move through my life. When these urges fade, I feel that I am less than whole, less than me. I want my desire back. The question I must pose to myself is: what in this busy, full life am I willing to give up to restore healthy desire?

I suppose I’ll try to answer that question tonight, right after I finish my column, walk the puppy, prepare dinner, pick up my partner from work, take a shower, send out a birthday card, pay rent, and look over my caseload for this coming work-week. Yes, I’ll ponder these life-changing questions, just as soon as I find the time.

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Friday, 14 December 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.