The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: Negotiating the Threesome: A Couple’s Guide

While I don’t suppose that everyone wants to make the good ‘ol standard fantasy of a threesome a reality, I imagine that it has crossed many a person’s mind from time to time. Not one cock, but two! Not two breasts, but four! If sex is nice with one lover, why shouldn’t it be twice as nice with two?

Problem is, we can’t just up the players and guarantee an increase of fun. Sex is more like an oven than a multiplication problem; we can’t bake a cake twice as fast by simply doubling the temperature and hoping it will turn out alright. These things have rules. Sure, setting “rules” may ruin the spontaneity of the fantasy, but they also serve the very important function of keeping all members safe and happy to be participating.

Assuming you the reader are part of a dyad that wants to instigate a threesome with some other willing individual (perhaps a column on this in the future), and also assuming that this third party is game with your kinky antics (how to find a willing third, definitely a column in the future), it will be vital to keep the following in mind:

1) Clarity is Next to Godliness

It’s difficult to engage sexually with someone outside of the relationship without having an out-and-out conversation about boundaries. Or rather, it is very easy to engage sexually, but not having said discussion can lead to disappointments and/or consequences.

Both parties should be prepared to talk about their fears around what might happen. This is the place to speculate on the details and really suss out what you want as a couple to occur. I really like the “how would you react, what would you say” game. For example, I might tell my partner, “I don’t want you to engage in penetrative sex with our third. How would react if they asked you to? What would we say?”

Talking about the goals of the interaction can be just as, if not more, important than imagining the consequences. It would be interesting to know what leads your lover to wanting to have a threesome as well as how they see the event going down (so to speak). Do they want certain things to happen or in any specific order? Should you steer the action away from certain activities, toys, pieces of furniture?

If anyone has particular boundaries on anything, these need to be stated outright before the event. It also couldn’t hurt to have “redirect” words, sort of like a safe word that partners know to alert one another that someone is having strong feelings. Perhaps one partner is worried that they will feel left out or out of control or jealous and could work a pre-decided phrase into the play to communicate they need some reassurance. Which brings me to number two:

2) If one Person Vetoes, the Final Answer is No

No one wants your fantasy to turn into infidelity, that is, unless you planned it that way. If someone doesn’t want to play a certain way, that’s it. Respecting one another’s limits and comfort levels should be your top priority.

3) Welcome to Reality

If you decide to make your fantasies a reality, you also have to deal with the mundane details of reality. Not only does this mean engaging in safe, protected sex (c’mon, you can make it fun!), it also means realizing that the three people having sex together all likely want to get aroused, stimulated, and likely you will all want to orgasm. Pleasure in a twosome often moves back and forth, but in threesomes the pleasure can move in a cycle that goes person to person. This means someone could be “left out” at any given moment.

How can you keep yourself busy when the action does not involve you? Masturbate is one great way of being occupied without distracting the action. Also take some time to be one of the groping hands or mouths in someone else’s fantasy and pleasure them. Is there an available thigh that could use a caress? Is there a pussy available that can be licked? A nipple that is begging for a tweak? Consider what you can give in the moment and rest assured the attention will come full circle at some later point.

4) In the End, You Still Have a Relationship

As my mother used to say, “To thine’s partner one must be true, even if they are being schnooped by someone else.” Alright, she never said that. But it is true. Your third person is there for but a night and your lover, well, your lover is there for longer than a night. If the intentionality of the interaction is for shared pleasure, the end result will be far more satisfactory than one person looking out for their own needs above all else. Not to mention that helping your lover have the best threesome possible with simply increase the likelihood that they will want to do it again some other time (hopefully also benefiting you in the future).

5) Discuss over Brunch the Next Day, as a Couple not a Trio

While cuddling post-coitus is lovely in triple-spoon formation, it is not necessarily a great idea to have your threesome partner spend the night. Waking up just the two of you can give you both the time and space to talk about what transpired. Not only will this conversation give you ammunition to make next time (should there be one) even better, it will nip any issues of jealously or doubt in the bud.

Reassure your partner that you are committed to your relationship and that they are your primary concern. It would be totally appropriate to tell them how much they turn you on and how wonderful it was to be able to experience their pleasure from a different perspective. It’s not out of the question that your relationship could actually grow from this shared sexual experience and keeping one another at the forefront of your minds throughout the process will help guarantee you’re in it together.

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Thursday, 24 January 2008 at 12:00 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.