The Blowfish Blog

Couple’s Couch: Am I Codependent? -or- What I Learned from Teaching Teens, Part 3

I feel like “codependent” is the new relationship buzzword.

More often than not, the happiest couples that come my way will inevitably joke that they are “codependent” on one another. I suppose this is meant to convey the message that these people just love spending time with one another to the point that no one else blinks on their radars.

“Co-de” (pronounced like the name Cody) has replaced “whipped” in my college-aged brother’s vocabulary as someone who puts their partner above their friends. This is, of course, looked down upon by the bros and smiled upon by the young ladies.

The girls I work with at “the hall” don’t seem to have a slang term for codependent, but they can label their friends as codependent from a mile away just as soon someone else in the group starts talking about the person they were last dating. These ladies, just like every other person I know, seem to have incredible insight into one another’s relationship patterns but relatively awful insight into their own.

So if we’re all talking about it and many of us are, in fact, enacting some codependent patterns in our romantic relationships, what in fact are they? And, perhaps even more importantly, is being “co-de” so bad?

Codependent relationship patterns originate when an individual, or often both individuals in a partnership, have interactional styles that frequently depend upon systematic Compliance, Denial, Control, or Self-Effacing messages. The more we rely on these four styles or techniques to guide and structure our interactions, the more our relationships become entrenched with inhibiting messages.

Co-dependent’s Anonymous (CoDA or codependents.org), a non-profit organization designed to help people who suffer from codependent relationship patterns, have outlined statements commonly made by people who identify as codependent. Some of these are listed below.

Compliance Patterns:

• I compromise my personal values and integrity to avoid rejection or other’s anger.
• I am loyal to the point of remaining in situations that are bad for me far longer than I should.
• I routinely put my needs aside to meet those of others, even when I am not invested in the lives of those other people and I know that would not do the same for me.
• I never say “no” even when saying “yes” will significantly and negatively affect me.

Denial Patterns:

• I suppress my feelings, especially frustration, only to explode later in anger.
• I am often unsure of what I am feeling, what I want, and defer to others to tell me or decide for me.
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and present myself to others as willing to do anything with a gracious smile.

Control Patterns:

• I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think or decode what they “truly” feel and inform them.
• I feel that the behavior and appearance of my loved ones is a direct reflection of me.
• I have to be “needed” in order to feel good about my relationships.
• I freely offer advice or directions without being asked.
• I lavish gifts, favors, or sex on people I care about to gain approval and love.

Self-Effacing Patterns:

• I judge most things I think, say, or do harshly and often feel I am never good enough
• I value other’s approval of my thinking, behavior, or feelings more than my own
• My best feelings stem from receiving approval from others or being liked
• I do not think of myself as lovable or worth someone else’s effort.
• I accept sex when I want love.

These statements are offered as tools for self-evaluation, not as specific criteria or a diagnostic tool to decode our true natures. However, I believe we can take something powerful from this as we think about the kinds of relationships we maintain and the way we think about the people who are most important in our lives.

When I read through this list, I’m a little surprised how many of these statements are true of me. And what’s more, some of these patterns are akin to my most prized relationship values. For instance, I learned from my parents that feeling needed is the highest form of praise and love. Doesn’t everyone offer advice without being asked? And what was that last one about sex and love? Jeez!

Does anyone have a relationship without some small degree of codependency?

My guess is no. The very nature of sharing lives with people we love requires exchanges of affection, love, and control. We are dependent on each other in a very tangible, real way.

Could that dependency be more honest, though? Could it be less about proving our dedication to one another and more about giving each other permission to be independent? Could we learn to put our faith in people who are actually trustworthy while believing that we deserve nothing less?

I’m not wholly convinced that relationships free of dependency are necessarily better than those in which people enact some of these patterns. I am convinced, however, that we always have the opportunity to become better partners in spite of how we have conducted ourselves in the past. To do so requires some work, some time, and some honest communication with those that we hold most dear. And it requires forgiving ourselves a little for the mistakes we’ve made and will continue to make throughout the rest of our relationship.

— Rebekah Skoor, MA

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This entry was posted on Thursday, 6 March 2008 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.